Hate
by Filthy Weeabu Trash
Summary: "Death is too much a mercy for one such as you. The sin you have sown, the path you have walked, the atrocities you've committed. No, no there can be no half measures for a monster like you. I will throw you now, to the bleakest pit, in the farthest reaches of the void I shall condemn you for all time. Locked away, left to your mind, knowing that all you have wrought is now folly."
1. Child of Ruin, Daughter of Evil

**This is vital plot related information regarding the 'Ours is-" Series i'm working on, if you do not read this nothing will make sense, this is all entirely explaining the correct categorical order of how things happened, as well as expanding on background information regarding certain characters and there eccentricities that you may have noticed and have further questions about, feel free to ask questions in the review or PM me with your concerns. Without further delay, please continue and read the gripping plot related conclusions that will be revealed to you in the following:**

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Hatebound.

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SO, abbadon the defoiler was walking to the store one day, he was having a real' good time, sun was out, wasn't too cold, not too hot, it was just right. It was around october, turning over into sprin, so the trees were all green and shit, but the clouds were kinda fucked up and stuff. Anyways, Abbadabbadabbudoon got to the store and walked through through the disabled persons door because Abbadabby is a crippple with no arms. He goes on over to the food-isle where they keep all the cleaning shit and stuff because abby needs to clean his apartment because it's all out of ink, and that shit will not stand. So, he goes down the isle and keeps going because he's in the food isle and they don't have what he needs there,his shit is in the isle just beyond it, the utilities isle, pay afucking tention.

BabbyAbby grabs some printer ink- which he will break later and smear all over Kharn's face, while calmly explaining to him that 'it is just a brank, bro, no homo, k?'. he also grabs some lawsunjizz and shit because he's afraid his throat might be coming down with the flue or some shit, andhe really needs to be at his best for the next upcoming horus-hoopla black krewsayed shit where he will finally defeat the orks- his arch rivals- for the last time and never have to deal with their constant memeing ever again.

so, Big-Boy_Babadon goes to the register and pays for his shit, he tips the register lady very nicely, because he's a good guy like that and exits out the disabled persons side because he's retarded and has no arms, like he do, and starts walking home,, carrying his stuff, trying to think up of some good ways to beat all the nerds on fortnite because abbadon is a bitch and plays fortnite you kow what I'm saying? and so he goes on and thinks that he's got some top-quality shit goin on for his strats and he goes home.

So, the despoiler gets back home and he puts his junk down and opens his door, because he needs two hands for this, and he opens his door and steps inside, , then he opens his door again and grabs his stuff and then goes inside, laughing at how silly he was to forget his shit. he closes the door, locks it- can't be too careful with the neighborhood being overrun by those damn salamanders and their damn communism and marxist ideologies- he sets his stuff down on the front hall table, and turns on the oven, and gets out a butterN U T squash he got on monday, thinking that some roasted squash sounded really nice to have for dinner, and probably was a lot healtheir than that leftover chinese from a week ago he had in his fridge. That in mind, he also decided to boil some noodles.

So, big-boy dickdaddy abbadonious suudenly remembered that he had to file his taxes, so he went over and did that, he sat down on the chair and it immedietly broke because he's in terminator armor god fucking damnit abby that's the fifth chair this week you fat fuck but it doesn't matter because Abby just sweeps it up and blames the Tau for shoddy construction and files his taxes while standing, making sure to dot all the eyes and teeteess.

The oven is done preheating, so he slices up the squash and puts it in the oven, setting the timer and goes off to his room, where he has plastered the wall with agregious amounts o wall paper and memoriabelia. He gets his vaccume cleaner, ignoring the hogtied dark eldar he has in their and tiedies up the living room, making sure to chase away the stray guartdsmen that infiltrait through his cat door that he has for the neighborhood dog that hangs around outside his yard and comes inside whenever it rains, he has a food bowl with kibble set out, he hopes that the dog is doing alright.

One of the guardsmen clibs up the chimneyneyney and he makes note of that, he'll have to make sure it gets out later so the poor thing doesn't starve of some shit, if it dies it'll stink the place to high hell. Abbydaddy also remembers that he should check in on his folks, so he calls up horus, only gets a dial tone, remembers that HorUS is DEaDru, laughs, and then cries and blames lorgar for everything that ever hapened forever ever never ever forever ever. Abbadon checks the time, and takes his squash out of the oven, serves it up with some spices, gets a glass of water, sits down in his chair- it breaks, he blames the tau for shoddy construciton, and eats standing up. he washes his plate and glass, and decides its time to go bed, he has an early day tommorow. Befor ehe goes to bed he brutally facefucks a TauFirewarrior and then tucks himself in. He suddenly sits upright, and wonders how he did anything today when he doesn't have any hands. AbbyDabby screams, his head explodes, and sucks the entire worl dinto the wartp, where everyone is donged by daemonetts.

Endy.

...

 **I made bread today.** .


	2. Scour the Weak, Purge the Innocent

dl  
ddstrongShrek/strong: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen./dd  
dd[Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: What a load of-/dd  
dd[Toilet Door Slams]/dd  
dd[ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]/dd  
ddstrongSteve Harwell/strong: Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. /dd  
dd[Shouting]/dd  
ddstrongSteve Harwell/strong: Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. /dd  
dd[Belches]/dd  
ddstrongVillagers/strong: Go! Go!/dd  
dd[Record Scrating]/dd  
ddstrongSteve Harwell/strong: Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. /dd  
ddstrongVillagers/strong: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!/dd  
ddstrongVillager 1/strong: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?/dd  
ddstrongVillager 2/strong: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin./dd  
ddstrongVillager 3/strong: No!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast./dd  
ddstrongVillager 3/strong: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!/dd  
dd[Gasping]/dd  
ddstrongVillager 3/strong: Right./dd  
dd[Roaring]/dd  
dd[Shouting]/dd  
dd[Roaring]/dd  
dd[Roaring Continues]/dd  
dd[Shouting Continues]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away./dd  
dd[Gasping]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs]/dd  
ddstrongGuard 1/strong: All right. This one's full. Take it away!/dd  
dd[Gasps]/dd  
ddstrongGuard 2/strong: Move it along. Come on! Get up!/dd  
ddstrongCaptain/strong: Next!/dd  
ddstrongGuard 3/strong: Give me that! Your flying days are over./dd  
ddstrongCaptain/strong: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!/dd  
ddstrongGuard 4/strong: Get up!/dd  
ddstrongCaptain/strong: Twenty pieces./dd  
ddstrongGuard 5/strong: Come on!/dd  
dd[Thudding]/dd  
ddstrongGuard 6/strong: Sit down there! Keep quiet!/dd  
ddstrongBear/strong: [Crying] This cage is too small./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!/dd  
ddstrongOld Lady/strong: Oh, shut up./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Oh!/dd  
ddstrongCaptain/strong: Next! What have you got?/dd  
ddstrongGeppetto/strong: This little wooden puppet./dd  
ddstrongPinocchio/strong: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy./dd  
ddstrongCaptain/strong: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away./dd  
ddstrongPinocchio/strong: Father, please! Don't let them do this!/dd  
ddstrongCaptain/strong: Next./dd  
ddstrongPinocchio/strong: Help me!/dd  
ddstrongCaptain/strong: What have you got?/dd  
ddstrongOld Lady/strong: Well, I've got a talking donkey./dd  
dd[Grunts]/dd  
ddstrongCaptain/strong: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it./dd  
ddstrongOld Lady/strong: Oh, go ahead, little fella./dd  
ddstrongCaptain/strong: Well?/dd  
ddstrongOld Lady/strong: Oh, oh, he's just- He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt-/dd  
ddstrongCaptain/strong: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!/dd  
ddstrongOld Lady/strong: No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw./dd  
ddstrongCaptain/strong: Get her out of my sight./dd  
ddstrongOld Lady/strong: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly!/dd  
ddstrongPeter Pan/strong: He can fly!/dd  
ddstrongPigs/strong: He can fly!/dd  
ddstrongCaptain/strong: He can talk!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh./dd  
ddstrongCaptain/strong: Seize him!/dd  
ddstrongGuard 7/strong: After him! He's getting away!/dd  
dd[Grunts, Gasps]/dd  
ddstrongGuard 8/strong: Get him! This way! Turn!/dd  
ddstrongCaptain/strong: You there. Ogre!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Aye?/dd  
ddstrongCaptain/strong: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh, really? You and what army?/dd  
dd[Gasps, Whimpering]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Are you talkin' to- me? Whoa!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh, that's great. Really./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Man, it's good to be free./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us./dd  
dd[Roaring]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Why are you following me?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends- /dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Uh- Really tall?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Nope./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Really?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Really, really./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Man, I like you. What's your name?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Uh, Shrek./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to like in a place like that?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: That would be my home./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: I like my privacy./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence, you know. Can I stay with you?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Uh, what?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Can I stay with you? Please?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Of course!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Really?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: No./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Okay! Okay! But one night only./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Ah! Thank you!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: What are you- No! No!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: This is gonna be fun! We can stay up lat, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Where do, uh, I sleep?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Outside!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. /dd  
dd[Bubbling]/dd  
dd[Sighs]/dd  
dd[Creaking]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: I am outside./dd  
dd[Clattering]/dd  
dd[Clattering]/dd  
ddstrongMouse 1/strong: Well, gents it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?/dd  
ddstrongMouse 2/strong: It's not home, but it'll do just fine./dd  
ddstrongGorder/strong: What a lovely bed./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Got ya./dd  
ddstrongGorder/strong: [Sniffs] I found some cheese./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Ow! [Grunts]/dd  
ddstrongGorder/strong: Blah! Awful stuff./dd  
ddstrongMouse 1/strong: Is that you, Gorder?/dd  
ddstrongGorder/strong: How did you know?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey!/dd  
dd[Snickers]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table./dd  
ddstrongDwarf/strong: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Huh? [Gasps]/dd  
ddstrongWolf/strong: What?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?/dd  
ddstrongWolf/strong: Aah!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh, no. Oh, no. No! No!/dd  
dd[Cackling]/dd  
dd[Cackling Continues]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: What?/dd  
ddstrongGirl/strong: Quit it. Don't push./dd  
dd[Squeaking]/dd  
dd[Lows]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!/dd  
dd[Gasping]/dd  
ddstrongFairies/strong: Oh, dear!/dd  
ddstrongDwarf/strong: Whoa!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!/dd  
ddstrongDwarf/strong: Quickly. Come on!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there./dd  
ddstrongDwarf/strong: Oh!/dd  
dd[Sighs]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Hey, look at me. I didn't invite them./dd  
ddstrongPinocchio/strong: Oh, gosh, no one invited us./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: What?/dd  
ddstrongPinocchio/strong: We were forced to come here./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: By who?/dd  
ddstrongPig/strong: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he... singed an eviction notice./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?/dd  
dd[Murmuring]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Oh, I do. I know where he is./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Me! Me!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Anyone?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!/dd  
dd[Cheering]/dd  
dd[Twittering]/dd  
dd[Cheering Continues]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh! You! You're comin' with me./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek./dd  
ddstrongDwarf/strong: Hey. Oh, oh!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: I can't wait to get in the road again. /dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: What did I say about singing?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Can I whistle?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: No./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Can I hum it?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: All right, hum it./dd  
dd [Humming]/dd  
dd[Grunts]/dd  
dd[Whimpering]/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: That's enough. He's ready to talk./dd  
dd[Coughing]/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!/dd  
ddstrongGingy/strong: You're a monster./dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?/dd  
ddstrongGingy/strong: Eat me!/dd  
dd[Grunts]/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll-/dd  
ddstrongGingy/strong: No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons./dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: All right then. Who's hiding them?/dd  
ddstrongGingy/strong: Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: The muffin man?/dd  
ddstrongGingy/strong: The muffin man./dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?/dd  
ddstrongGingy/strong: Well, she's married to the muffin man./dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: The muffin man?/dd  
ddstrongGingy/strong: The muffin man!/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: She's married to the muffin man./dd  
dd[Door Opens]/dd  
ddstrongCaptain/strong: My lord! We found it./dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in./dd  
dd[Man Grunting]/dd  
dd[Gasping]/dd  
ddstrongGingy/strong: Oh!/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Magic Mirror-/dd  
ddstrongGingy/strong: Don't tell him anything! No! [Gingerbread Man Whimpers]/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect king of all?/dd  
ddstrongMirror/strong: Well, technically you're not a king./dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying?/dd  
ddstrongMirror/strong: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess./dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Go on./dd  
ddstrongMirror/strong: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?/dd  
ddstrongGuards/strong: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Three? One? [Shudders] Three?/dd  
ddstrongThelonius/strong: Three! Pick number three, my lord!/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Okay, okay, uh, number three!/dd  
ddstrongMirror/strong: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona./dd  
dd[ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing]/dd  
ddstrongRupert Holmes/strong: If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. /dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Princess Fiona./dd  
ddstrongRupert Holmes/strong: If you're not into yoga. /dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go-/dd  
ddstrongMirror/strong: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night./dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: I'll do it./dd  
ddstrongMirror/strong: Yes, but after sunset./dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Uh-huh. That's the place./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek./dd  
ddstrongMan/strong: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Hey, you!/dd  
dd[Screams]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just- I just-/dd  
dd[Whimpering]/dd  
dd[Sighs]/dd  
dd[Whimpering, Groans]/dd  
dd[Turnstile Clatters]/dd  
dd[Chuckles]/dd  
dd[Sighs]/dd  
dd [Instrumental Music]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: It's quiet. Too quiet./dd  
dd[Creaking]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Where is everybody?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Hey, look at this!/dd  
dd[Clattering, Whirring, Clicking]/dd  
dd[Clicking]/dd  
dd[Clicking Quickens]/dd  
ddstrongWooden People/strong: Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... face. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! /dd  
dd[Camera Shutter Clicks]/dd  
dd[Whirring]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Wow! Let's do that again!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: No. No. No, no, no! No./dd  
dd[Trumpet Fanfare]/dd  
dd[Crowd Cheering]/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land./dd  
dd[Donkey Humming]/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Today one of you shall prove himself-/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Sorry about that./dd  
dd[Cheering]/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: That champion shall have the honor- no, no- the privilege, to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona, from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make./dd  
dd[Cheering]/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Let the tournament begin!/dd  
dd[Gasps]/dd  
ddstrongKnight 1/strong: Oh!/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: What is that?/dd  
dd[Gasping]/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: It's hideous!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Huh?/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!/dd  
ddstrongKnight 2/strong: Get him!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now./dd  
ddstrongWoman/strong: Go ahead! Get him!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Can't we just settle this over a pint?/dd  
ddstrongKnight 3/strong: Kill the beast!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: No? All right then. Come on!/dd  
dd[ Bad Reputation By Halfcocked Playing]/dd  
ddstrongHalfcocked/strong: I don't give a damn about my reputation. You're living in the past, it's a new generation. /dd  
ddstrongKnight 4/strong: Damn!/dd  
dd[Whinnying]/dd  
ddstrongHalfcocked/strong: A girl can do what she wants to do, and that's what I'm gonna do. And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. /dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!/dd  
ddstrongHalfcocked/strong: And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. /dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Ah! [Laughs]/dd  
ddstrongHalfcocked/strong: And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun. /dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Yeah!/dd  
ddstrongHalfcocked/strong: And I don't have to please no one. /dd  
ddstrongWoman/strong: The chair! Give him the chair!/dd  
ddstrongHalfcocked/strong: And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me. Not me. /dd  
dd[Bell Dings]/dd  
dd[Cheering]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: [Laughs] Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!/dd  
dd[Shrek Laughs]/dd  
dd[Crowd Gasping, Murmuring]/dd  
ddstrongGuard 9/strong: Shall I give the order, sir?/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc, I give you our champion!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: What?/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Congratulations, ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Quest? I'm already on a quest, a quest to get my swamp back./dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Your swamp?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!/dd  
dd[Crowd Murmuring]/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Indeed. All right, ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Exactly the way it was?/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: And the squatters?/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: As good as gone./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: What kind of quest?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon, and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: I don't get it, Shrek. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Uh, no, not really, no./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Example?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: [Sniffs] They stink?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Yes- No!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: They make you cry?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: No!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Oh, you leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [Sighs]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [Sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like parfait?" Parfaits are delicious./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: You know what, I think preferred your humming./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering./dd  
dd[ I'm On My Way By The Proclaimers Playing]/dd  
ddstrongThe Proclaimers/strong: I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And everything that you receive up yonder is what you give to me the day I wander, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm on my way. /dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Ooh! Shrek! Did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. [Sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't not brimstone. It didn't come off no stone either./dd  
dd[Rumbling]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [Laughing]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh, aye./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: You know what I mean./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable being on a rickety over a boiling lake of lava!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support, we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Really?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Really, really./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Okay, that makes me feel so much better./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Just keep moving. And don't look down./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. [Gasps] Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now, please!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: But you're already halfway./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Yeah, but I know that half is safe!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Shrek, no! Wait!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Just, Donkey- Come on. Let's have a dance then, shall we?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Don't do that!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Yes, that!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Yes? Yes, do it. Okay./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: [Screams] No, Shrek! No! Stop it!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: You said do it! I'm doin' it./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: [Chuckles] I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek./dd  
dd[Water Dripping]/dd  
dd[Wind Howling]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: [Donkey Whispering] You afraid?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: No, but- Shh./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Oh, good. Me neither. [Gasps] 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. [Gasps]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Stairs? I thought I was lookin' for the princess./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: What makes it you think she'll be there?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: I read it in a book once./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'./dd  
dd[Creaking]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the-/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Dragon! [Screams] [Gasps]/dd  
dd[Roars]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Donkey, look out! [Screams]/dd  
dd[Screams]/dd  
dd[Whimpering]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Got ya!/dd  
dd[Roars]/dd  
dd[Gasps]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: [Shouts] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Screaming]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: [Gasps] Oh! Aah! Aah! [Gasping]/dd  
dd[Growls]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: No. Oh, no. No! [Screams] Oh, what large teeth you have./dd  
dd[Growls]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: I mean, I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. And do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're- You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 'Cause, you're just reeking a feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh- [Coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! [Gasps] [Whimpering] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!/dd  
dd[Groans, Sighs]/dd  
dd [Chorus Vocalizing]/dd  
dd [Vocalizing Continues]/dd  
dd [Vocalizing Continues]/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Oh! Oh!/dd  
ddstrongShrek in Armor/strong: Wake up!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: What?/dd  
ddstrongShrek in Armor/strong: Are you Princess Fiona?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me./dd  
ddstrongShrek in Armor/strong: Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?/dd  
ddstrongShrek in Amror/strong: Yeah, sorry, lady? There's no time./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed./dd  
ddstrongShrek in Armor/strong: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Mm-hmm. [Screams, Grunts] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!/dd  
ddstrongShrek in Armor/strong: I don't think so./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Can I at least know the name of my champion?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Um, Shrek./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Sir Shrek. [Clears Throat] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude./dd  
ddstrongShrek in Armor/strong: Thanks!/dd  
dd[Roaring]/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: You didn't slay the dragon?/dd  
ddstrongShrek in Armor/strong: It's on my to-do list. Now, come on!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: [Screams] But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did./dd  
ddstrongShrek in Armor/strong: Yeah, right before they burst into flame./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: That's not the point. Oh! Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there./dd  
ddstrongShrek in Armor/strong: Well, I have to save my ass./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: What kind of night are you?/dd  
ddstrongShrek in Armor/strong: One of a kind./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned, you know. [Laughs] I don't to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this- Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first as friends or maybe his pen pals. 'Cause I'm the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards, and- I'd really love to stay, but- Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to- Wait. What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh!/dd  
dd[Growls]/dd  
dd[Roars]/dd  
dd[Roaring]/dd  
dd[Gasps]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Hi, Princess!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: It talks!/dd  
ddstrongShrek in Armor/strong: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Shrek! [Screams] [Screaming]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh!/dd  
dd[Thuds]/dd  
dd[Groans]/dd  
dd[Shrek Groans]/dd  
dd[Roars]/dd  
dd[Roars]/dd  
dd[Roaring]/dd  
dd[Roars]/dd  
ddstrongShrek in Armor/strong: Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. [Echoing] Run!/dd  
dd[Gasping]/dd  
dd[Screaming]/dd  
dd[Screams]/dd  
dd[Roars]/dd  
dd[Panting, Sighs]/dd  
dd[Whimpers]/dd  
dd[Roars]/dd  
dd[Roars, Whimpers]/dd  
dd[Dragon Growling In The Distance]/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. You're- You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt./dd  
dd[Clears Throat]/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: And where would be a brave knight be without his noble steed?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: All right, I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a noble steed./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: [Fiona Laughs] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight./dd  
ddstrongShrek in Armor/strong: Uh, no./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Why not?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: I have helmet hair./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer./dd  
ddstrongShrek in Armor/strong: No, no, you wouldn't- 'st./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: But how will you kiss me?/dd  
ddstrongShrek in Amor/strong: What? That job wasn't in the job description./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Maybe it's a perk./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon, is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Hmm? With Shrek? You think- Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Well, yes./dd  
dd[Laughing]/dd  
dd[Laughing]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: You think Shrek is your true love!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: What is so funny?/dd  
ddstrongShrek in Armor/strong: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now- Now remove your helmet./dd  
ddstrongShrek in Amror/strong: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Just take off the helmet./dd  
ddstrongShrek in Amror/strong: I'm not going to./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Take it off./dd  
ddstrongShrek in Amror/strong: No!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Now!/dd  
ddstrongShrek in Armor/strong: Okay! Easy. As you command, Your Highness./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: You- You're a- an ogre./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He's the one who wants to marry you./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- his pet./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: So much for noble steed./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Look, Princess. You're not making my job any easier./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Well, I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: You wouldn't dare. Put me down!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Ya comin', Donkey?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: I'm right behind ya./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! [Screams]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you rind your- Hey! [Sighs] The sooner we get to Duloc the better./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Oh, yeah. You're gonna love it there, Princess? It's beautiful!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Well, let me put this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's statue are in short supply. [Laughs]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: I don't know, Shrek. There are those who think little of him./dd  
dd[Both Laughing]/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: No, that'll take longer. We can keep going./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: But there's robbers in the woods./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: I need to find somewhere to camp now!/dd  
dd[Bird Wings Fluttering]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: [Grunting] Hey! Over here./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Homey touches? Like what?/dd  
dd[Crashing]/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: I said good night!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Shrek, what are you doing?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: [Laughs] I just- You know- Oh, come on. I was just kidding./dd  
dd[Fire Crackling]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: I know you're making this up./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Man, that ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: [Sighs] Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Our swamp?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: You know, when we're through rescuing the princess./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: We? Donkey, there is no "we." There's no "our." There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: No, do ya think?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Are you hidin' something?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Never mind, Donkey./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Why don't you want to talk about it?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Why do you want to talk about it?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Why are you blocking?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: I'm not blocking./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Oh, yes, you are./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Donkey, I'm warning you./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Who you trying to keep out? Just tell me about, Shrek./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Everyone! Okay?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh! For the love of Pete!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: What's your problem? What you got against the whole world?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go, "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" [Sighs] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Yeah, I know./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: That's the moon./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Oh, okay./dd  
dd [Orchestra]/dd  
dd [Dulcimer]/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Again. Show me again./dd  
dd[Music Stops, Rewinds]/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess./dd  
ddstrongMirror/strong: Hmph./dd  
dd[Rewinds, Resumes]/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Ah. Perfect. [Inhales]/dd  
dd[Snoring]/dd  
dd [Vocalizing]/dd  
dd [Vocalizing Continues]/dd  
dd [Whistling]/dd  
dd [Whistling Continues]/dd  
dd [Vocalizes]/dd  
dd [Whistles]/dd  
dd [Vocalizes]/dd  
dd [Whistles]/dd  
dd [Vocalizing]/dd  
dd [Whistling]/dd  
dd [Vocalizing, High-pitched]/dd  
dd [Whistling, High-pitched]/dd  
dd [Continues]/dd  
dd[Sizzling]/dd  
dd[Sniffs, Yawns]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Come on, baby. I said I like it./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Donkey, wake up./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Huh? What?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Wake up./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: What?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Good morning. How do you like your eggs?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Good morning, Princess!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: What's all this about?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. After all, you did rescue me./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Uh, thanks./dd  
dd[Sniffs]/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us./dd  
dd[Belches]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Shrek!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [Laughs]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess./dd  
dd[Belches]/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Thanks./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: She's as nasty as you are./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: [Laughs] You know, you're not exactly what I expected./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing]/dd  
ddstrongRobin Hood/strong: La liberte! Hey!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Princess!/dd  
dd[Laughs]/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: What are you doing?/dd  
ddstrongMonsieur Hood/strong: Be still, mon cherie, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green- [Kissing Sounds] beast./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Hey! That's my princess! Go find your own!/dd  
ddstrongMonsieur Hood/strong: Please, monsters! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!/dd  
ddstrongMonsieur Hood/strong: Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! [Laughs]/dd  
dd [Accordion]/dd  
ddstrongMerry Men/strong: Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo! /dd  
ddstrongMonsieur Hood/strong: I steal from the rich and give to the needy. /dd  
ddstrongMan/strong: He takes a wee percentage. /dd  
ddstrongMonsieur Hood/strong: But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels. Man, I'm good. /dd  
ddstrongMerry Men/strong: What a guy, Monsieur Hood! /dd  
ddstrongMonsieur Hood/strong: Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid. /dd  
ddstrongMerry Men/strong: What he's basically saying is he likes to get- /dd  
ddstrongMonsieur Hood/strong: Paid. /dd  
ddstrongMerry Men/strong: So. /dd  
ddstrongMonsieur Hood/strong: When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad. /dd  
ddstrongMerry Men/strong: That's bad. /dd  
ddstrongMonsieur Hood/strong: When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. /dd  
ddstrongMerry Men/strong: He's mad. He's really, really mad. /dd  
ddstrongMonsieur Hood/strong: I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart. Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start! /dd  
dd[Grunts, Groans]/dd  
dd[Karate Yell]/dd  
dd[Merry Men Gasping]/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: [Panting] Man, that was annoying!/dd  
ddstrongMan/strong: Oh, you little-/dd  
dd[Karate Yell]/dd  
dd [Accordion]/dd  
dd[Shouting, Groaning]/dd  
dd[Groaning]/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: [Chuckles] Um, shall we?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Hold the phone./dd  
dd[Grunts]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: What?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Well- [Chuckles] When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a- There's an arrow in your butt!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: What? Oh, would you look at that?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Why? What's wrong?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Shrek's hurt./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Donkey, I'm okay./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Oh, you can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay. I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die, Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!/dd  
ddstrongBoth/strong: Donkey!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: What are the flowers for?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: For getting rid of Donkey./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Ah./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: I'm sorry, but it has to come out./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: No, it's tender. Now, hold on. What you're doing is the opposite of help./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Don't move./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Look, time out./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Would you- [Grunts] Okay. What do you propose we do?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Ow!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Ow! Not good./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head./dd  
dd[Grunts]/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: It's just about-/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Ow! Ohh!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Ahem./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Nothing happened. We were just, uh-/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was as, okay./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind! The princess here was just- Ugh! Ow!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Hey, what's that? [Nervous Chuckle] That's- Is that blood? [Sighs]/dd  
dd[Bird Chirping]/dd  
dd[ My Beloved Monster By Eels Playing]/dd  
dd[Grunts]/dd  
ddstrongEels/strong: My beloved monster and me. We go everywhere together. Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves, gets us through all kinds of weather. /dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Aah!/dd  
ddstrongEels/strong: She will always be the only thing. That comes between me and the awful sting. That comes from living in the world that's so damn mean. /dd  
dd[Croaks]/dd  
ddstrongEels/strong: Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh. /dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Hey!/dd  
ddstrongEels/strong: La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la. /dd  
dd[Both Laughing]/dd  
ddstrongEels/strong: La-la, la-la, la-la./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: That's Duloc?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really- Ow!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Um, I, uh- I guess we better move one./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Sure. But, Shrek? I'm- I'm worried about Donkey./dd  
dd[Blubbering]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: What?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: What are you talking about? I'm fine./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: I'll make you some tea./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look. [Bones Crunch] Ow! See?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: I'll get the firewood./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: No kidding./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Well, this is delicious. Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. [Chuckling]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: [Sighs] I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: [Gulps] Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare- you name it./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: [Chuckles] I'd like that./dd  
dd[Slurps, Laughs]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: See the pyramids along the Nile. /dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Um, Princess?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Watch the sunrise from a tropical isle. /dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Yes, Shrek?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: I, um, I was wondering./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Just remember, darling all the while. /dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Are you-/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: You belong to me./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: [Sighs] Are you gonna eat that?/dd  
dd[Chuckles]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: What?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark./dd  
dd[Shrek Sighs]/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Good night./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Good night./dd  
dd[Door Creaks]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh, what are you talkin' about?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. I know two weee diggin' in each other. I could feel it./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: I- There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know- and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't- she's a princess, and I'm-/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: An ogre?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Yeah. An ogre./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Hey, where you goin'?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: To get... more firewood. [Sighs]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?/dd  
dd[Wings Fluttering]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Princess?/dd  
dd[Creaking]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: [Gasps] It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games./dd  
dd[Screams]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Aah!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Oh, no!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: No, help!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Shh!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: No, it's okay. It's okay./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: What did you do with the princess?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Donkey, I'm the princess./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Aah!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: It's me, in this body./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Oh, my God! You ate the princess! Can you hear me?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Donkey!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: No!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Shh./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Shrek!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: This is me./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: [Muffled Mumbling] Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong I'm ugly, okay?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now-/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: No. I- I've been this way as long as I can remember./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form."/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: It's a spell. [Sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this. [Sobs]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: But, Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek- well, you got a lot in common./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Shrek?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Princess, I- Uh, how's going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and- well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd- uh, uh- [Sighs] I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love./dd  
dd[Deep Sigh]/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Promise you won't tell. Promise!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'./dd  
dd[Door Opens]/dd  
dd[Snoring]/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want-/dd  
dd[Snoring]/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Shrek. Are you all right?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Perfect! Never been better./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: I- I don't- There's something I have to tell you./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: You heard what I said?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Every word./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: I thought you'd understand./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Yeah? Well, it does./dd  
dd[Gasps, Sighs]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Ah, right on time./dd  
dd[Horse Whinnies]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Princess, I've brought you a little something./dd  
dd [Fanfare]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: [Yawns] What'd I miss? What'd I miss? [Muffled] Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey./dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Princess Fiona./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: As promised. Now hand it over./dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, ad agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have ever seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no./dd  
dd[Snaps Fingers]/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying, a short, farewell./dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: That's so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: No, you're right. It doesn't./dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage./dd  
dd[Gasps]/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make./dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets./dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Oh, anxious, are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Fare-thee-well, ogre./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Yeah? So what?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night. She's-/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Shrek, I- I wanna go with you./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: But I thought-/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Shrek./dd  
dd[ Hallelujah By John Cale Playing]/dd  
ddstrongJohn Cale/strong: I heard there was a secret chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do ya? It goes like this the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall the major lift. The baffled king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Baby, I've been here before, I know this room I've walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you. I've seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's broken hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. And all I ever learned from love is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. /dd  
dd[Moaning]/dd  
ddstrongJohn Cale/strong: And it's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. /dd  
dd[Moaning]/dd  
ddstrongJohn Cale/strong: Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. /dd  
dd[Thumping Sound]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Donkey?/dd  
dd[Grunts]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: What are you doing?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: It is around your half. See, that's your half, and this is my half./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh! Your half. Hmm./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half tge work, I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Back off!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: No, you back off./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: This is my swamp!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Our swamp./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Let go, Donkey!/dd  
ddstrongDonke/strong: You let go./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Stubborn jackass!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Smelly ogre./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Fine!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Well, I'm through with you./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you, for stabbin' me in the back!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Go away!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Donkey!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: No!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Hmph./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: [Sighs] I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Hey, that's what friends are for, right?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Right. Friends?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Friends./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: So, um, what did Fiona say about me?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: The wedding! We'll never make it in time./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way. [Whistles]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Donkey?/dd  
dd[Donkey Laughing]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: I guess it's just an animal magnetism./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: [Laughing] Aw, come here, you./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. [Donkey Laughing] Whoo!/dd  
dd[Bells Tolling]/dd  
dd[All Gasping]/dd  
ddstrongPriest/strong: People of Duloc, we gather here today, to bear witness, to the union.../dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Um- of our new king-/dd  
ddstrongPriest/strong: Excuse me./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: [Chuckling] Go on./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: What are you talking about?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: I don't have time for this!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Yes./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: You wanna hold her?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Yes./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Please her?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Yes!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness! The chicks love that romantic crap!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: We gotta check it out./dd  
dd[Donkey Grunting]/dd  
ddstrongPriest/strong: And so, by the power vested in me,/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: What do you see?/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: The whole town's in there./dd  
ddstrongPriest/strong: I now pronounce you husband and wife,/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: They're at the altar./dd  
ddstrongPriest/strong: king and queen./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Mother Fletcher! He already said it./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Oh, for the love of Pete!/dd  
dd[Grunts]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: I object!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Shrek?/dd  
dd[Gasps]/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Oh, now what does he want?/dd  
dd[Crowd Clamoring]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: What are you doing here?/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding-/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Fiona! I need to talk to you./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me-/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: But you can't marry him./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: And why not?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Because- Because he's just marrying you so he can be king./dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: He's not your true love./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: And what do you know about true love?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Well, I- Uh- I mean-/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Oh, this is precious. [Chuckling] The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord./dd  
dd[Crowd Laughing]/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: An ogre and a princess! [Laughing Continues]/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Shrek, is this true?/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmm!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before./dd  
dd[Whimpers]/dd  
dd[Crowd Gasping]/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Well, uh, that explains a lot./dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: No, no! Shrek!/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: No, let go of me, Shrek!/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: No!/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: Don't just stand there, you morons./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: No! Shrek!/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: And as for you, my wife,/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Fiona!/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I am king!/dd  
dd[Whistles]/dd  
ddstrongFarquaad/strong: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have- Aaah! Aah!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it./dd  
dd[Dragon Roars]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: I'm a donkey on the edge!/dd  
dd[Belches]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: [Donkey Laughs] Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?/dd  
dd[Cheering]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Go ahead, Shrek./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Uh, Fiona?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Yes, Shrek?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: I- I love you./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Really?/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Really, really./dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: I love you too./dd  
ddstrongAll/strong: Aawww!/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: "Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form." [Echoing] [Echoing Continues] "Take love's true from. Take love's true form."/dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?/dd  
ddstrongFiona/strong: Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful./dd  
ddstrongShrek/strong: But you are beautiful./dd  
dd[Chuckles]/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: I was hoping would be a happy ending./dd  
dd[ I'm A Believer By Smash Mouth Playing]/dd  
ddstrongSteve Harwell/strong: I thought love was only true in fairy tales. /dd  
ddstrongAll/strong: Oy!/dd  
ddstrongSteve Harwell/strong: Meant for someone else but not for me. Love was out to get me, that's the way it seemed, disappointment haunted all my dreams. And then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer. And not a trace. Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. /dd  
ddstrongChoir/strong: Ohh-ahh. /dd  
ddstrongSteve Harwell/strong: I'm a believer I couldn't leaver her if I tried. /dd  
ddstrongGingy/strong: God bless us, every one./dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face. Ha-ha! Now I'm a believer. Listen! Not a trace. Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. Ooh-ahh. I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried. /dd  
ddstrongMice/strong: Ooh! Uh!/dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: Then I saw her face! Now I'm a believer! Hey! Not a trace. Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind. One more time! I'm in love. I'm a believer. Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey! Y'all sing it with me! I believe! I believe! People in the back! I believe! /dd  
ddstrongSmash Mouth/strong: I'm a believer. /dd  
ddstrongDonkey/strong: I believe. I believe. I believe! [Hysterical Laughing] Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe./dd  
/dl 


	3. Rite of Doom, Death of Stars

h2Shrek 2 Script/h2  
pre

[man's voice] Once upon a time

in a kingdom far, far away,

the king and queen were blessed

with a beautiful baby girl.

And throughout the land,

everyone was happy...

until the sun went down

and they saw that their daughter was

cursed with a frightful enchantment

that took hold each and every night.

Desperate, they sought the help

of a fairy godmother

who had them lock the young princess

away in a tower,

there to await the kiss...

of the handsome Prince Charming.

[horse whinnies]

It was he who would chance

the perilous journey

through blistering cold

and scorching desert

traveling for many days and nights,

risking life and limb

to reach the Dragon's keep.

[crows caw]

For he was the bravest,

and most handsome...

in all the land.

And it was destiny that his kiss

would break the dreaded curse.

He alone would climb to the highest room

of the tallest tower

to enter the princess's chambers,

cross the room to her sleeping silhouette,

pull back the gossamer curtains

to find her... [gasps]

What?

\- Princess... Fiona?

\- No!

[sighs relief] Oh, thank heavens.

Where is she?

\- She's on her honeymoon.

\- Honeymoon? With whom?

\- She's on her honeymoon.

\- Honeymoon? With whom?

[ Counting Crows: Accidentally In Love]

So she said

what's the problem, baby?

What's the problem?

I don't know

Well, maybe I'm in love

Think about it

every time I think 'bout it

Can't stop thinking 'bout it

How much longer

will it take to cure this?

Just to cure it,

'cause I can't ignore it

If it's love, love

Makes me wanna turn around

and face me

But I don't know nothing

'bout love

Oh, come on, come on

\- [screams]

\- Turn a little faster

Come on, come on

The world will follow after

Come on, come on

Everybody's after love

So I said

I'm a snowball running

Running down into this spring

that's coming all this love

Melting under blue skies

belting out sunlight

Shimmering love

Well, baby, I surrender

To the strawberry ice cream

Never ever end of all this love

Well, I didn't mean to do it

But there's no escaping your love

These lines of lightning

mean we're never alone

Never alone, no, no

Come on, come on

Jump a little higher

Come on, come on

If you feel a little lighter

Come on, come on

We were once upon a time in love

Hyah!

We're accidentally in love

Accidentally in love

Accidentally in love

Accidentally in love

Accidentally in love

Accidentally in love

Accidentally in love

Accidentally

I'm in love, I'm in love,

I'm in love, I'm in love

I'm in love, I'm in love

Accidentally in love

I'm in love

I'm in love

It's so good to be home!

\- [distant singing]

\- [giggling]

Just you and me and...

[Donkey sings]

\- Two can be as bad as one...

\- Donkey?

Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two

a sight for sore eyes!

Give us a hug, Shrek,

you old love machine.

[chuckles]

And look at you, Mrs. Shrek.

How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed?

Donkey, what are you doing here?

Taking care of your love nest for you.

Oh, you mean like... sorting the mail

and watering the plants?

\- Yeah, and feeding the fish!

\- I don't have any fish.

You do now. I call that one Shrek

and the other Fiona.

That Shrek is a rascally devil.

Get your...

Look at the time.

I guess you'd better be going.

Don't you want to tell me about your trip?

Or how about a game of Parcheesi?

Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be

getting home to Dragon?

Oh, yeah, that.

I don't know.

She's been all moody and stuff lately.

I thought I'd move in with you.

You know we're always happy

to see you, Donkey.

But Fiona and I are married now.

We need a little time, you know,

to be together.

Just with each other.

Alone.

Say no more.

You don't have to worry about a thing.

I will always be here to make sure

nobody bothers you.

\- Donkey!

\- Yes, roomie?

You're bothering me.

Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess...

Me and Pinocchio was going to catch

a tournament, anyway, so...

Maybe I'll see y'all Sunday

for a barbecue or something.

He'll be fine.

Now, where were we?

[giggles] Oh.

I think I remember.

\- Donkey!

\- [Fiona yelps]

I know, I know! Alone!

I'm going! I'm going.

What do you want me

to tell these other guys?

[fanfare]

[ theme to Hawaii Five-O]

Enough, Reggie.

[clears throat] "Dearest Princess Fiona.

"You are hereby summoned

to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away

"for a royal ball

in celebration of your marriage

"at which time the King

"will bestow his royal blessing...

upon you and your..."

uh..."Prince Charming.

"Love, the King and Queen

of Far, Far Away.

"aka Mom and Dad."

Mom and Dad?

\- Prince Charming?

\- Royal ball? Can I come?

\- We're not going.

\- [both] What?

I mean, don't you think

they might be a bit...

shocked to see you like this?

[chuckles] Well, they might be

a bit surprised.

But they're my parents, Shrek.

They love me.

And don't worry.

They'll love you, too.

Yeah, right.

Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome

at the country club.

Stop it.

They're not like that.

How do you explain Sergeant Pompous

and the Fancy Pants Club Band?

Oh, come on! You could at least

give them a chance.

To do what?

Sharpen their pitchforks?

No! They just want

to give you their blessing.

Oh, great.

Now I need their blessing?

If you want to be a part

of this family, yes!

Who says I want

to be part of this family?

You did!

When you married me!

Well, there's some fine print for you!

[exasperated sigh]

So that's it. You won't come?

Trust me. It's a bad idea.

We are not going! And that's final!

Come on!

We don't want to hit traffic!

[Gingy] Don't worry!

We'll take care of everything.

[all cheer]

\- Hey, wait for me. Oof!

\- [glass breaks]

[sighs]

[ Chic: Le Freak]

Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up!

Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em up!

Rawhide! Move 'em on!

Head 'em up!

Move 'em on! Move 'em on!

Head 'em up! Rawhide!

Ride 'em up! Move 'em on!

Head 'em up! Move 'em on! Rawhide!

Knock 'em out! Pound 'em dead!

Make 'em tea! Buy 'em drinks!

Meet their mamas!

Milk 'em hard!

Rawhide!

Yee-haw!

\- [Donkey] Are we there yet?

\- [Shrek] No.

\- [Donkey] Are we there yet?

\- [Fiona] Not yet.

\- [Donkey] OK, are we there yet?

\- [Fiona] No.

\- [Donkey] Are we there yet?

\- [Shrek] No!

\- [Donkey] Are we there yet?

\- [Shrek] Yes.

\- Really?

\- No!

\- Are we there yet?

\- [Fiona] No!

\- Are we there yet?

\- [Shrek] We are not!

\- Are we there yet?

\- [Shrek Fiona] No!

\- Are we there yet?

\- [Shrek mimics]

\- That's not funny. That's really immature.

\- [Shrek mimics]

\- This is why nobody likes ogres.

\- [Shrek mimics]

\- Your loss!

\- [Shrek mimics]

\- I'm gonna just stop talking.

\- Finally!

This is taking forever, Shrek.

There's no in-flight movie or nothing!

The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey.

That's where we're going.

Far, far...

[softly] away!

All right, all right, I get it.

I'm just so darn bored.

Well, find a way

to entertain yourself.

[sighs]

[deep sigh]

[clicks tongue]

[popping]

\- [popping]

\- [exasperated sigh]

For five minutes...

Could you not be yourself...

[shouts]... for five minutes!

\- [popping]

\- [shrieks]

Are we there yet?

\- [chuckles] Yes!

\- Oh, finally!

[fanfare]

[ Lipps, Inc: Funkytown]

Wow!

It's going to be champagne wishes

and caviar dreams from now on.

Hey, good-looking!

We'll be back to pick you up later!

Gotta make a move

to a town that's right for me

We are definitely not

in the swamp anymore.

[whistle] Halt!

Well, I talk about it, talk about it,

talk about it, talk about it

Hey, everyone, look.

Talk about, talk about movin'...

Hey, ladies! Nice day for a parade, huh?

You working that hat.

[Donkey] Swimming pools!

Movie stars!

[cheering]

[applause]

[fanfare]

Announcing the long-awaited return

of the beautiful Princess Fiona

and her new husband.

Well, this is it.

\- This is it.

\- This is it.

This is it.

[fanfare]

[fanfare and cheering stop]

[gasps]

[tweeting]

[baby wails]

Uh... why don't you guys go ahead?

I'll park the car.

[chuckles] So...

you still think

this was a good idea?

Of course! Look.

Mom and Dad look happy to see us.

\- [softly] Who on earth are they?

\- [softly] I think that's our little girl.

That's not little!

That's a really big problem.

Wasn't she supposed to kiss

Prince Charming and break the spell?

Well, he's no Prince Charming,

but they do look...

[softly] Happy now?

We came. We saw them.

Now let's go before

they light the torches.

\- They're my parents.

\- Hello? They locked you in a tower.

That was for my own...

Good! Here's our chance. Let's go

back inside and pretend we're not home.

Harold, we have to be...

Quick! While they're not looking

we can make a run for it.

Shrek, stop it!

Everything's gonna be...

A disaster! There is no way...

\- You can do this.

\- I really...

\- Really...

\- don't... want... to... be...

Here!

Mom... Dad...

I'd like you to meet my husband...

Shrek.

Well, um...

It's easy to see where Fiona

gets her good looks from.

[chuckles nervously]

[gulps]

[belches]

\- Excuse me.

\- [Shrek Fiona laugh]

Better out than in,

I always say, eh, Fiona?

[both giggle]

[Shrek] That's good.

I guess not.

What do you mean, "not on the list"?

Don't tell me you don't know who I am.

What do you mean, "not on the list"?

Don't tell me you don't know who I am.

What's happening, everybody?

Thanks for waiting.

\- I had the hardest time finding this place.

\- No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Down!

No, Dad! It's all right.

It's all right. He's with us.

\- He helped rescue me from the dragon.

\- That's me: the noble steed.

Waiter!

How 'bout a bowl for the steed?

Oh, boy.

[slurps]

\- Um, Shrek?

\- Yeah?

Oh, sorry!

Great soup, Mrs Q.

Mmm!

No, no. Darling.

[chuckles nervously] Oh!

So, Fiona, tell us

about where you live.

Well...

Shrek owns his own land.

\- Don't you, honey?

\- Oh, yes!

It's in an enchanted forest

abundant in squirrels

and cute little duckies and...

[laughing] What?

I know you ain't

talking about the swamp.

An ogre from a swamp.

Oh! How original.

I suppose that would be a fine place

to raise the children.

\- [splutters]

\- [chokes]

It's a bit early to be

thinking about that, isn't it?

\- Indeed. I just started eating.

\- Harold!

\- What's that supposed to mean?

\- Dad. It's great, OK?

\- For his type, yes.

\- My type?

I got to go to the bathroom.

\- Dinner is served!

\- Never mind. I can hold it.

Bon appetit!

Oh, Mexican food!

My favorite.

Let's not sit here with our tummies

rumbling. Everybody dig in.

Don't mind if I do, Lillian.

I suppose any grandchildren

I could expect from you would be...

Ogres, yes!

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Right, Harold?

Oh, no! No! Of course, not!

That is, assuming you don't

eat your own young!

Dad!

No, we usually prefer the ones

who've been locked away in a tower!

\- Shrek, please!

\- I only did that because I love her.

Aye, day care

or dragon-guarded castle.

You wouldn't understand.

You're not her father!

It's so nice to have the family

together for dinner.

\- Harold!

\- Shrek!

\- Fiona!

\- Fiona!

\- Mom!

\- Harold...

Donkey!

[glissando]

Your fallen tears have called to me

So, here comes my sweet remedy

I know what every princess needs

For her to live life happily...

[both gasp]

Oh, my dear.

Oh, look at you.

You're all grown up.

\- Who are you?

\- Oh, sweet pea!

I'm your fairy godmother.

\- I have a fairy godmother?

\- Shush, shush.

Now, don't worry.

I'm here to make it all better.

With just a...

Wave of my magic wand

Your troubles will soon be gone

With a flick of the wrist and just a flash

You'll land a prince with a ton of cash

A high-priced dress

made by mice no less

Some crystal glass pumps

And no more stress

Your worries will vanish,

your soul will cleanse

Confide in your very own

furniture friends

We'll help you set a new fashion trend

\- I'll make you fancy, I'll make you great

\- The kind of girl a prince would date!

They'll write your name

on the bathroom wall...

"For a happy ever after,

give Fiona a call!"

A sporty carriage to ride in style,

Sexy man boy chauffeur, Kyle

Banish your blemishes, tooth decay,

Cellulite thighs will fade away

And oh, what the hey!

Have a bichon frisé! '

Nip and tuck, here and there

to land that prince with the perfect hair

Lipstick liners, shadows blush

To get that prince with the sexy tush

Lucky day, hunk buffet

You and your prince take a roll in the hay

You can spoon on the moon

With the prince to the tune

Don't be drab, you'll be fab

Your prince will have rock-hard abs

Cheese soufflé, Valentine's Day

Have some chicken fricassee!

Nip and tuck, here and there

To land that prince with the perfect hair

Stop!

[chuckles] Look...

Thank you very much,

Fairy Godmother,

but I really don't need all this.

[gasps and mutterings of disapproval]

\- Fine. Be that way.

\- We didn't like you, anyway.

\- [knocking]

\- [Shrek] Fiona? Fiona?

[dog barks]

Oh! You got a puppy?

All I got in my room was shampoo.

Oh, uh...

Fairy Godmother, furniture...

[giggles]

I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek.

Your husband? What? What did you say?

When did this happen?

Shrek is the one who rescued me.

\- But that can't be right.

\- Oh, great, more relatives!

She's just trying to help.

Good! She can help us pack.

Get your coat, dear. We're leaving.

\- What?

\- I don't want to leave.

When did you decide this?

\- Shortly after arriving.

\- Look, I'm sorry...

No, that's all right.

I need to go, anyway.

But remember, dear.

If you should ever need me...

happiness...

is just a teardrop away.

Thanks, but we've got all

the happiness we need.

Happy, happy, happy...

[laughs] So I see.

Let's go, Kyle.

\- Very nice, Shrek.

\- What?

I told you coming here was a bad idea.

You could've at least tried

to get along with my father.

I don't think I was going to get

Daddy's blessing,

even if I did want it.

Do you think it might be nice

if somebody asked me what I wanted?

Sure. Do you want me

to pack for you?

You're unbelievable!

You're behaving like a...

\- Go on! Say it!

\- Like an ogre!

Here's a news flash for you!

Whether your parents like it or not...

I am an ogre!

\- [yelps]

\- [roars]

And guess what, Princess?

That's not about to change.

I've made changes for you, Shrek.

Think about that.

That's real smooth, Shrek.

"I'm an ogre!"

[mimics Shrek roaring]

[sniffling]

I knew this would happen.

[Lillian] You should.

You started it.

I can hardly believe that, Lillian.

He's the ogre. Not me.

I think, Harold, you're taking this

a little too personally.

This is Fiona's choice.

But she was supposed to choose

the prince we picked for her.

I mean, you expect me to give

my blessings to this... thing?

Fiona does.

And she'll never forgive you if you don't.

I don't want to lose

our daughter again, Harold.

Oh, you act as if love

is totally predictable.

Don't you remember when

we were young?

We used to walk

down by the lily pond and...

\- they were in bloom...

\- Our first kiss.

It's not the same!

I don't think you realize that

our daughter has married a monster!

Oh, stop being such a drama king.

Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong!

La, di, da, di, da!

Isn't it all wonderful!

I'd like to know

how it could get any worse!

\- Hello, Harold.

\- [gasps]

\- What happened?

\- Nothing, dear!

Just the old crusade wound

playing up a bit!

[chuckles]

I'll just stretch it

out here for a while.

You better get in.

We need to talk.

Actually, Fairy Godmother,

off to bed.

[yawns] Already taken my pills,

and they tend to make me a bit drowsy.

So, how about... we make this

a quick visit. What?

Oh, hello.

Ha-ha-ha!

So, what's new?

You remember my son,

Prince Charming?

Is that you? My gosh!

It's been years.

When did you get back?

Oh, about five minutes ago, actually.

After I endured blistering winds,

scorching desert...

I climbed to the highest room

in the tallest tower...

Mommy can handle this.

He endures blistering winds

and scorching desert!

He climbs to the highest bloody room

of the tallest bloody tower...

And what does he find?

Some gender-confused wolf

telling him that his princess

is already married.

It wasn't my fault.

He didn't get there in time.

Stop the car!

[crash]

Harold.

You force me to do something

I really don't want to do.

[gasps] Where are we?

Hi. Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy!

May I take your order?

My diet is ruined!

I hope you're happy. Er... okay.

Two Renaissance Wraps,

no mayo... chili rings...

\- I'll have the Medieval Meal.

\- One Medieval Meal and, Harold...

\- Curly fries?

\- No, thank you.

\- Sourdough soft taco, then?

\- No, really, I'm fine.

Your order, Fairy Godmother.

This comes with the Medieval Meal.

There you are, dear.

We made a deal, Harold, and I assume

you don't want me to go back on my part.

[sighs deeply] Indeed not.

So, Fiona and Charming will be together.

\- Yes.

\- Believe me, Harold. It's what's best.

Not only for your daughter...

but for your Kingdom.

What am I supposed to do about it?

Use your imagination.

[whooshing]

[whinnies]

Oh...

Come on in, Your Majesty.

[piano plays, people talk]

I like my town

With a little drop of poison

Nobody knows...

[barman belches]

[clears throat] Excuse me.

Do I know you?

No, you must be mistaking me

for someone else.

Uh... excuse me.

I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister.

Ah! There you are. Right.

You see, I need to have

someone taken care of.

\- Who's the guy?

\- Well, he's not a guy, per se.

Um... He's an ogre.

[crowd gasp]

Hey, buddy, let me clue you in.

There's only one fellow who can handle

a job like that, and, frankly...

he don't like to be disturbed.

he don't like to be disturbed.

Where could I find him?

[knock on door]

Hello?

Who dares enter my room?

Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, but

I'm told you're the one to talk to

about an ogre problem?

You are told correct.

But for this, I charge

a great deal of money.

Would... this be enough?

You have engaged my valuable

services, Your Majesty.

Just tell me where

I can find this ogre.

[ Eels: I Need Some Sleep]

[snoring]

[chimes]

Everyone says

I'm getting down too low

Everyone says

you've just gotta let it go

You just gotta let it go

I need some sleep

Time to put the old horse down

I'm in too deep

And the wheels keep spinning round

Everyone says

you've just gotta let it go

Everyone says

you've just gotta let it go

Dear Knight, I pray that you take

this favor as a token of my gratitude.

[plays tune]

Dear Diary...

Sleeping Beauty is having

a slumber party tomorrow,

but Dad says I can't go.

He never lets me out after sunset.

Dad says I'm going away for a while.

Must be like some finishing school.

Mom says that when I'm old enough,

my Prince Charming will rescue me

from my tower

and bring me back to my family,

and we'll all live

happily ever after.

Mrs. Fiona Charming.

Mrs. Fiona Charming.

Mrs. Fiona Charming.

[echoing] Mrs. Fiona Charming.

[knock on door]

Sorry. I hope I'm not

interrupting anything.

No, no. I was just reading a, uh...

a scary book.

I was hoping you'd let me apologize

for my despicable behavior earlier.

\- Okay...

\- I don't know what came over me.

Do you suppose we could pretend

it never happened and start over...

\- Look, Your Majesty, I just...

\- Please. Call me Dad.

Dad. We both acted like ogres.

Maybe we just need some time

to get to know each other.

Excellent idea! I was actually hoping

you might join me for a morning hunt.

A little father-son time?

I know it would mean

the world to Fiona.

[sighs]

Shall we say,

: by the old oak?

[birds twitter]

[Shrek] Face it, Donkey!

We're lost.

We can't be lost. We followed

the King's instructions exactly.

"Head to the

darkest part of the woods..."

"Past the sinister trees

with scary-looking branches."

\- The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey!

\- We passed that three times already!

You were the one who said

not to stop for directions.

Oh, great. My one chance

to fix things up with Fiona's dad

and I end up lost

in the woods with you!

Don't get huffy!

I'm only trying to help.

I know! I know.

\- I'm sorry, all right?

\- Hey, don't worry about it.

I just really need to make

things work with this guy.

Yeah, sure. Now let's go

bond with Daddy.

[purring]

[purring]

Well, well, well, Donkey.

I know it was kind of a tender

moment back there, but the purring?

What? I ain't purring.

Sure. What's next? A hug?

Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don't purr.

What do you think I am, some kind of a...

Ha-ha!

Fear me, if you dare!

[hisses]

Look! A little cat.

\- Look out, Shrek! He got a piece!

\- It's a cat, Donkey.

Come here,

little kitty, kitty.

Come on, little kitty. Come here.

Oh! Come here, little kitty.

\- [screaming]

\- Whoa!

\- Hold on, Shrek! I'm coming!

\- Come on! Get it off! Get it off!

Oh, God. Oh...

No!

\- Look out, Shrek! Hold still!

\- Get it off!

Shrek! Hold still!

\- Did I miss?

\- No. You got them.

Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from...

Puss... in Boots!

I'll kill that cat!

Ah-ha-ha!

[coughs]

[wheezes]

[retches]

[coughs]

\- [chuckles] Hairball.

\- Oh! That is nasty!

What should we do with him?

Take the sword and neuter him.

Give him the Bob Barker treatment.

Oh, no! Por favor!

Please!

I implore you!

It was nothing personal, Señor.

I was doing it only for my family.

My mother, she is sick.

And my father lives off the garbage!

The King offered me much in gold

and I have a litter of brothers...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Fiona's father paid you to do this?

The rich King? Sí.

[screams]

Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing.

Don't feel bad. Almost everybody

that meets you wants to kill you.

Gee, thanks.

Maybe Fiona would've been better off

if I were some sort of Prince Charming.

That's what the King said.

Oh, uh... sorry. I thought that question

was directed at me.

Shrek, Fiona knows

you'd do anything for her.

Well, it's not like

I wouldn't change if I could.

I just... I just wish

I could make her happy.

Hold the phone...

"Happiness."

"A tear drop away."

Donkey! Think of the saddest thing

that's ever happened to you!

Aw, man, where do I begin?

First there was the time that old farmer

tried to sell me for some magic beans.

Then this fool had a party and he have

the guests trying to pin the tail on me.

Then they got drunk and start beating me

with a stick, going "Piñata!"

What is a piñata, anyway?

No, Donkey! I need you to cry!

Don't go projecting on me.

I know you're feeling bad,

but you got to...

Aaaahhh!

You little, hairy,

litter-licking sack of...

What? Is it on? Is it on?

[clears throat]

This is Fairy Godmother.

I'm either away

from my desk or with a client.

But if you come by the office, we'll be

glad to make you an appointment.

Have a "happy ever after."

Oh...

Are you up for a little quest, Donkey?

That's more like it! Shrek and Donkey,

on another whirlwind adventure!

Ain't no stoppin' us now! Whoo!

We're on the move!

\- Stop, Ogre! I have misjudged you.

\- Join the club. We've got jackets.

On my honor, I am obliged to accompany

you until I have saved your life

as you have spared me mine.

The position of annoying talking animal

has already been taken.

Let's go, Shrek. Shrek?

\- Shrek!

\- Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him...

in his wee little boots.

You know, how many cats can wear boots?

Honestly.

\- Let's keep him!

\- Say what?

[purrs]

Ahh!

Listen. He's purring!

\- Oh, so now it's cute.

\- Come on, Donkey. Lighten up.

Lighten up? I should lighten up?

Look who's telling who to lighten up!

Lighten up? I should lighten up?

Look who's telling who to lighten up!

[giggles] Shrek!

[barks]

[barks]

Shrek?

They're both festive, aren't they?

What do you think, Harold?

Um... Yes, yes.

Fine. Fine.

[sighs]

Try to at least pretend you're interested

in your daughter's wedding ball.

Honestly, Lillian,

I don't think it matters.

How do we know there will

even be a ball?

Mom. Dad.

\- Oh, hello, dear.

\- What's that, Cedric? Right! Coming.

Mom, have you seen Shrek?

I haven't.

You should ask your father.

Be sure and use small words, dear.

He's a little slow this morning.

\- Can I help you, Your Majesty?

\- Ah, yes! Um...

Mmm! Exquisite.

What do you call this dish?

That would be the dog's breakfast,

Your Majesty.

Ah, yes. Very good, then.

Carry on, Cedric.

\- Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek?

\- No, I haven't, dear.

I'm sure he just went off to look for

a nice... mud hole to cool down in.

You know, after your

little spat last night.

Oh. You heard that, huh?

The whole kingdom heard you.

I mean, after all,

it is in his nature to be...

well, a bit of a brute.

Him? You know, you didn't exactly

roll out the Welcome Wagon.

Well, what did you expect?

Look at what he's done to you.

Shrek loves me for who I am.

I would think you'd be happy for me.

Darling, I'm just thinking about

what's best for you.

Maybe you should do the same.

[both whisper]

No, really?

[both laugh]

[Shrek] Shh...

Oh...

[hooter blasts]

Oh, no. That's the old Keebler's place.

Let's back away slowly.

That's the Fairy Godmother's cottage.

She's the largest producer of hexes

and potions in the whole kingdom.

Then why don't we pop in there

for a spell? Ha-ha! Spell!

[Puss in Boots

shrieks with laughter]

[Puss in Boots] He makes me laugh.

Hi. I'm here to see the...

The Fairy Godmother.

I'm sorry. She is not in.

Jerome!

Coffee and a Monte Cristo. Now!

[sighs]

Yes, Fairy Godmother.

Right away.

Look, she's not seeing

any clients today, OK?

That's OK, buddy.

We're from the union.

The union?

We represent the workers in all magical

industries, both evil and benign.

Oh! Oh, right.

Are you feeling at all

degraded or oppressed?

Uh... a little.

We don't even have dental.

They don't even have dental.

Okay, we'll just have

a look around.

Oh. By the way.

I think it'd be better if the Fairy Godmother

didn't know we were here.

\- Know what I'm saying? Huh?

\- Huh? Huh? Huh?

\- Stop it.

\- Of course. Go right in.

[voices and grinding machines]

[explosion]

A drop of desire.

[giggles] Naughty!

A pinch of passion.

[laughs]

And just a hint of...

lust!

[laughs]

\- [Shrek] Excuse me.

\- [gasps]

Sorry to barge in like this...

What in Grimm's name

are you doing here?

Well, it seems

that Fiona's not exactly happy.

Oh-ho-ho!

And there's some question

as to why that is?

Well, let's explore that, shall we?

Ah. P, P, P...

Princess. Cinderella.

Here we are.

"Lived happily ever after." Oh...

[laughs] No ogres!

Let's see. Snow White.

A handsome prince.

Oh, no ogres.

Sleeping Beauty. Oh, no ogres!

Hansel and Gretel? No!

Thumbelina? No.

The Golden Bird,

the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman...

No, no, no, no, no!

You see, ogres don't

live happily ever after.

All right, look, lady!

Don't you point...

those dirty green sausages at me!

Your Monte Cristo and coffee.

Oh! Sorry.

Ah... that's okay.

We were just leaving.

Very sorry to have wasted your time,

Miss Godmother.

Just... go.

Come on, guys.

[whistles tune]

TGIF, eh, buddy?

Working hard or hardly working,

eh, Mac?

Get your fine Corinthian footwear

and your cat cheeks out of my face!

Man, that stinks!

You don't exactly smell like

a basket of roses.

\- Well, one of these has got to help.

\- I was just concocting this very plan!

Already our minds are becoming one.

Whoa, whoa. If we need an expert on

licking ourselves, we'll give you a call.

Shrek, this is a bad idea.

Look. Make yourself useful

and go keep watch.

Puss, do you think you

could get to those on top?

No problema, boss.

In one of my nine lives,

I was the great cat burglar

of Santiago de Compostela.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Shrek, are you off your nut?

Donkey, keep watch.

Keep watch?

Yeah, I'll keep watch.

I'll watch that wicked witch come and

whammy a world of hurt up your backside.

I'll laugh, too.

I'll be giggling to myself.

\- What do you see?

\- Toad Stool Softener?

I'm sure a nice BM is the perfect solution

for marital problems.

\- Elfa Seltzer?

\- Uh-uh.

\- Hex Lax?

\- No! Try "handsome."

Sorry. No handsome.

Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"?

Well, what does it do?

It says "Beauty Divine."

In some cultures, donkeys are revered

as the wisest of creatures.

Especially us talking ones.

[gasps] Donkey!

That'll have to do.

We've got company.

Can we get on with this?

Hurry!

Nice catch, Donkey!

Finally! A good use for your mouth.

[ Pete Yorn: Ever Fallen In Love]

Come on!

You spurn my natural emotions

You make me feel like dirt

and I'm hurt

And if I start a commotion

I run the risk of losing you

and that's worse

Ever fallen in love with someone,

ever fallen in love

In love with someone,

ever fallen in love

In love with someone

you shouldn't have fallen in love with

Ever fallen in love with someone,

ever fallen in love

In love with someone,

ever fallen in love

With someone

you shouldn't have fallen in love with

Fallen in love with

Ever fallen in love with someone

you shouldn't have fallen in love with

I don't care whose fault it is.

Just get this place cleaned up!

And somebody bring me something

deep fried and smothered in chocolate!

\- Mother!

\- Charming. Sweetheart.

This isn't a good time, pumpkin.

Mama's working.

Whoa, what happened here?

\- The ogre, that's what!

\- What? Where is he, Mom?

I shall rend his head

from his shoulders!

I will smite him where he stands!

He will rue the very day he stole

my kingdom from me!

Oh, put it away, Junior!

You're still going to be king.

We'll just have to come up

with something smarter.

Pardon. Um...

Everything is accounted for,

Fairy Godmother, except for one potion.

What?

Oh...

I do believe we can make

this work to our advantage.

"Happily Ever After Potion.

Maximum strength.

"For you and your true love.

"If one of you drinks this,

you both will be fine.

"Happiness, comfort

and beauty divine."

\- You both will be fine?

\- I guess it means it'll affect Fiona, too.

Hey, man, this don't feel right.

My donkey senses are tingling all over.

Drop that jug o' voodoo

and let's get out of here.

It says, "Beauty Divine."

How bad can it be?

[sneezes]

See, you're allergic to that stuff.

You'll have a reaction.

And if you think that I'll be smearing

Vapor Rub over your chest, think again!

Boss, just in case there is something

wrong with the potion...

allow me to take the first sip.

It would be an honor to lay my life

on the line for you.

Oh, no, no. I don't think so.

If there'll be any animal testing,

I'll do it.

That's the best friend's job.

Now give me that bottle.

How do you feel?

I don't feel any different.

I look any different?

You still look like an ass to me.

Maybe it doesn't work on donkeys.

\- Well, here's to us, Fiona.

\- Shrek?

\- You drink that, there's no going back.

\- I know.

\- No more wallowing in the mud?

\- I know.

\- No more itchy butt crack?

\- I know!

\- But you love being an ogre!

\- I know!

But I love Fiona more.

Shrek, no! Wait!

[gurgling]

[farts]

Got to be... I think you grabbed

the "Farty Ever After" potion.

Maybe it's a dud.

Or maybe Fiona and I

were never meant to be.

Or maybe Fiona and I

were never meant to be.

[thunder rumbles]

Uh-oh. What did I tell you?

I feel something coming on.

I don't want to die.

I don't want to die. I don't want to die!

Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy.

I'm melting!

I'm melting!

It's just the rain, Donkey.

[chuckles] Oh.

Don't worry. Things seem bad

because it's dark and rainy

and Fiona's father hired

a sleazy hitman to whack you.

[hisses]

lt'll be better in the morning.

You'll see...

The sun'll come out...

Tomorrow

[yawns]

Bet your bottom...

Bet my bottom?

I'm coming, Elizabeth!

Donkey?

Are you all right?

\- Hey, boss. Let's shave him.

\- D-Donkey?

[groans]

[Puss In Boots shrieks]

There you are!

We missed you at dinner.

What is it, darling?

Dad...

I've been thinking

about what you said.

And I'm going to set things right.

Ah! Excellent!

That's my girl.

It was a mistake to bring Shrek here.

I'm going to go out and find him.

And then we'll go back

to the swamp where we belong.

[Lillian] Fiona, please!

Let's not be rash, darling.

You can't go anywhere right now.

[rain patters]

[Both] Fiona!

Look, I told you he was here.

Look at him! Quiet. Look at him.

[Shrek groans]

Good morning, sleepyhead.

[Shrek shouts]

[All] Good morning!

We love your kitty!

\- [Shrek] Oh... My head...

\- Here, I fetched a pail of water.

Thanks.

Uhh!

Aahh!

Oh...

A cute button nose?

Thick, wavy locks?

Taut, round buttocks?

I'm... I'm...

\- Gorgeous!

\- I'll say.

I'm Jill. What's your name?

\- Um... Shrek.

\- Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe?

\- You're tense.

\- I want to rub his shoulders.

\- I got it covered.

\- I don't have anything to rub.

Get in line.

Get in line.

\- Have you seen my donkey?

\- Who are you calling donkey?

\- Donkey? You're a...

\- A stallion, baby!

I can whinny.

[whinnies]

I can count.

Look at me, Shrek!

I'm trotting!

That's some quality potion.

What's in that stuff?

"Oh, don't take the potion,

Mr. Boss, it's very bad."

Pah!

"Warning: Side effects may include

burning, itching, oozing, weeping.

"Not intended for heart patients

or those with... nervous disorders."

I'm trotting, I'm trotting in place! Yeah!

What?

Señor? "To make the effects

of this potion permanent,

"the drinker must obtain his

true love's kiss by midnight."

Midnight?

Why is it always midnight?

\- Pick me! I'll be your true love!

\- I'll be your true love.

I'll be true... enough.

Look, ladies, I already have a true love.

[all] Oh...

And take it from me, Boss.

You are going to have

one satisfied Princess.

And let's face it.

You are a lot easier on the eyes.

Inside you're the same

old mean, salty...

\- Easy.

...cantankerous, foul,

angry ogre you always been.

And you're still the same

annoying donkey.

\- Yeah.

\- [sighs]

Well...

Look out, Princess.

Here comes the new me.

First things first.

\- We need to get you out of those clothes.

\- [all gasp]

\- Ready?

\- Ready!

\- [Donkey screams]

\- Driver, stop!

Oh, God! Help me, please!

My racing days are over!

I'm blind! Tell the truth.

Will I ever play the violin again?

You poor creature!

Is there anything

I can do for you?

Well, I guess there is one thing.

Take off the powdered wig

and step away from your drawers.

\- Not bad.

\- Not bad at all.

[both laugh]

Father?

Is everything all right, Father?

Thank you, gentlemen!

Someday, I will repay you.

Unless, of course,

I can't find you or if I forget.

\- [whinnies]

\- [Puss in Boots, in angry Spanish]

[ Butterfly Boocher: Changes]

[ Butterfly Boocher: Changes]

Oh, yeah

Turn and face the strange

Ch-Ch-Changes

Don't wanna be a richer one

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Turn and face the strange

Ch-Ch-Changes

Just gonna have to be

a different man

Time may change me

But I can't trace time

Halt!

Tell Princess Fiona her husband,

Sir Shrek, is here to see her.

Still don't know what

I was looking for

And my time was running wild,

a million dead-end streets

Every time I thought

I'd got it made

It seemed the taste

was not so sweet

\- [screams]

\- Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Turn and face the strange

\- Shrek?

\- Ch-Ch-Changes

Don't wanna be a richer one

Time may change me

But I can't trace time

Fiona?

Hello, handsome.

Shrek!

\- Princess!

\- Donkey?

Wow! That potion

worked on you, too?

What potion?

Shrek and I took some magic potion.

And well...

Now, we're sexy!

Shrek?

[purrs]

For you, baby... I could be.

\- Yeah, you wish.

\- Donkey, where is Shrek?

He went inside looking for you.

Shrek?

Fiona! Fiona!

You want to dance, pretty boy?

Are you going so soon?

Don't you want to see your wife?

Fiona?

Shrek?

Aye, Fiona. It is me.

What happened to your voice?

The potion changed

a lot of things, Fiona.

But not the way I feel about you.

Fiona?

\- Charming?

\- Do you think so?

[laughs] Dad. I was so hoping

you'd approve.

\- Um... Who are you?

\- Mom, it's me, Shrek.

I know you never get a second chance

at a first impression,

but, well, what do you think?

[Shrek in distance] Fiona! Fiona!

Fiona!

\- Fiona!

\- Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho!

Oh, shoot! I don't think they

can hear us, pigeon.

[sighs deeply]

Don't you think you've already

messed her life up enough?

I just wanted her to be happy.

And now she can be.

Oh, sweetheart.

She's finally found

the prince of her dreams.

But look at me.

Look what I've done for her.

It's time you stop living

in a fairy tale, Shrek.

She's a princess,

and you're an ogre.

That's something no amount

of potion will ever change.

But...

I love her.

If you really love her...

you'll let her go.

[ Nick Cave: People Ain't No Good]

[ Nick Cave: People Ain't No Good]

Shrek?

Señor.

What's going on?

Where are you going?

You wouldn't have had anything to do

with this, would you, Harold?

People just ain't no good

I think that's well understood

There you go, boys.

Just leave the bottle, Doris.

Hey. Why the long face?

It was all just a stupid mistake.

I never should have rescued her

from that tower in the first place.

I hate Mondays.

I can't believe you'd walk away from

the best thing that happened to you.

What choice do I have?

She loves that pretty boy,

Prince Charming.

Come on. Is he really

that good-looking?

Are you kidding?

He's gorgeous!

He has a face that looks like

it was carved by angels.

\- Oh. He sounds dreamy.

\- You know...

shockingly, this isn't

making me feel any better.

Look, guys.

It's for the best.

Mom and Dad approve,

and Fiona gets the man

she's always dreamed of.

Everybody wins.

Except for you.

I don't get it, Shrek.

You love Fiona.

Aye.

And that's why

I have to let her go.

Excuse me, is she here?

She's, uh... in the back.

Oh, hello again.

Fairy Godmother. Charming.

You'd better have a good reason

for dragging us down here, Harold.

Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really...

warming up to Prince Charming.

\- FYI, not my fault.

\- No, of course it's not, dear.

I mean,

how charming can I be

when I have to pretend

I'm that dreadful ogre?

No, no, it's nobody's fault.

Perhaps it's best if we just

call the whole thing off, okay?

\- [both] What?

\- You can't force someone to fall in love!

I beg to differ.

I do it all the time!

Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love

with the first man she kisses,

which will be Charming.

\- Umm... no.

\- What did you say?

I can't. I won't do it.

Oh, yes, you will.

If you remember, I helped you

with your happily ever after.

And I can take it away

just as easily.

Is that what you want? Is it?

\- No.

\- Good boy.

Now, we have to go.

I need to do Charming's hair

before the ball.

He's hopeless.

He's all high in the front.

He can never get to the back.

You need someone to do the back.

Oh. Thank you, Mother.

[Donkey] Mother?

Um... Mary! A talking horse!

The ogre!

Stop them! Thieves! Bandits!

Stop them!

(Announcer) The abs are fab

and it's gluteus to the maximus

here at tonight's Far, Far Away

Royal Ball blowout!

The coaches are lined up

as the cream of the crop pours out of them

like Miss Muffet's curds and whey.

Everyone who's anyone

has turned out

to honor Princess Fiona

and Prince Shrek.

And, oh my,

the outfits look gorgeous!

Look! Hansel and Gretel!

What the heck are the crumbs for?

And right behind them,

Tom Thumb and Thumbelina!

\- Oh, aren't they adorable!

\- [screaming]

[woman] Here comes Sleeping Beauty!

Tired old thing.

Who's this? Who's this?

Who is this?

Oh. It's the one, it's the only...

It's the Fairy Godmother!

Hello, Far, Far Away!

Can I get a whoop whoop?

May all your endings be happy and...

Well, you know the rest!

We'll be right back with the Royal

Far, Far Away Ball

after these messages.

I hate these ball shows.

They bore me to tears.

Flip over to Wheel Of Torture!

I'm not flipping anywhere, sir,

until I see Shrek and Fiona.

Whizzes on you guys.

Hey, mice, pass me a buffalo wing!

No, to your left. Your left!

\- Tonight on "Knights"...

\- Now here's a good show!

We got a white bronco heading east

into the forest. Requesting backup.

It's time to teach these madcap mammals

their "devil may mare" attitudes

just won't fly.

Why you grabbing me?

Police brutality!

I have to talk to Princess Fiona!

\- We warned you!

\- Ow! Ow!

Did someone let the cat out of the bag?

You capitalist pig dogs!

[shrieks]

\- Catnip!

\- That's not mine.

Find Princess Fiona!

I'm a donkey!

Tell her Shrek...

I'm her husband, Shrek!

Quick! Rewind it!

I'm her husband, Shrek! Ow!

[knock on door]

Darling?

Ah. I thought I might

find you here.

How about a nice hot cup

of tea before the ball?

I'm not going.

The whole Kingdom's turned out

to celebrate your marriage.

There's just one problem.

That's not my husband.

I mean, look at him.

Yes, he is a bit different,

but people change

for the ones they love.

You'd be surprised how much

I changed for your mother.

Change?

He's completely lost his mind!

Why not come down to the ball

and give him another chance?

You might find you like

this new Shrek.

But it's the old one

I fell in love with, Dad.

I'd give anything to have him back.

Darling. That's mine. Decaf.

Otherwise I'm up all night.

Thanks.

I got to get out of here!

I got to get out of here!

You can't lock us up like this!

Let me go!

What about my Miranda rights?

You're supposed to say

I have the right to remain silent.

Nobody said I have the right

to remain silent!

You have the right to remain silent.

What you lack is the capacity.

I must hold on before I, too,

go totally mad.

Shrek? Donkey?

Too late.

Gingy! Pinocchio!

Get us out of here!

Oh...

[ Theme from Mission Impossible]

Fire in ze hole!

[explosion, rumbling]

Look out below!

Quick! Tell a lie!

\- What should I say?

\- Anything, but quick!

Say something crazy like

"I'm wearing ladies' underwear!"

I am wearing ladies' underwear.

\- Are you?

\- I most certainly am not!

It looks like you

most certainly am are!

\- I am not!

\- What kind?

\- It's a thong!

\- Oww! They're briefs!

\- Are not.

\- Are too!

\- Are not!

\- Are too!

Here we go. Hang tight.

[Donkey] Wait, wait, wait!

Ow! Ow! Hey, hey, hey!

Ow!

\- Excuse me?

\- What? Puss!

Pardon me, would you

mind letting me go?

\- Sorry, boss.

\- Quit messing around!

We've got to stop that kiss!

I thought you was going

to let her go.

I was, but I can't let them

do this to Fiona.

Boom! That's what I like to hear.

Look who's coming around!

It's impossible!

We'll never get in.

The castle's guarded.

There's a moat and everything!

Folks, it looks like we're up chocolate

creek without a Popsicle stick.

\- What?

\- Do you still know the Muffin Man?

Well, sure!

He's down on Drury Lane. Why?

Because we're gonna need flour.

Lots and lots of flour.

Gingy!

Fire up the ovens, Muffin Man!

We've got a big order to fill!

[evil chuckle]

[Gingy] It's alive!

[rattling]

[gasping]

[whinnies] Run, run, run,

as fast you can!

[screaming]

Go, baby, go!

There it is, Mongo!

To the castle!

[Shrek] No, you great stupid pastry!

Come on!

[all shout]

[Donkey] Mongo! Down here!

Look at the pony!

That's right! Follow the pretty pony!

Pretty pony wants to play

at the castle!

[Mongo] Pretty pony.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Presenting Princess Fiona

and her new husband, Prince Shrek.

[applause, cheering]

Shrek, what are you doing?

I'm just playing the part, Fiona.

Is that glitter on your lips?

Mm. Cherry flavored.

Want to taste?

\- Ugh! What is with you?

\- But, Muffin Cake...

[piano plays]

C Minor, put it in C Minor.

Ladies and gentlemen.

[applause, cheering]

I'd like to dedicate this song to...

Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek.

Fiona, my Princess.

Will you honor me with a dance?

Where have all the good men gone

And where are all the gods?

[all chant] Dance!

Where's the streetwise Hercules

To fight the rising odds?

Since when do you dance?

Fiona, my dearest,

if there's one thing I know,

it's that love is full of surprises.

Late at night I toss and I turn

And I dream of what I need

Hit it!

I need a hero

All right, big fella!

Let's crash this party!

Man the catapults!

Aim! Fire!

\- Brace yourselves!

\- Ooh! Purty!

[groaning]

Not the gumdrop button!

[enraged howling]

Incoming!

Ha-ha! All right!

Somewhere after midnight

In my wildest fantasy

Go, Mongo! Go!

Man the cauldrons!

After you, Mongo.

\- That's it! Heave-ho!

\- Watch out!

Shrek!

More heat, less foam!

Up where the mountains

Meet the heavens above

Out where the lightning

Splits the sea

I could swear there is someone

Somewhere watching me

Heave! Ho!

[Gingy, slow-motion] No...!

[Mongo groans]

[whistles] Come on!

[cheering]

Look out!

\- Be good.

\- [weeping bitterly]

[sobbing] He needs me!

Let me go!

Donkey!

Puss!

Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go!

Today, I repay my debt.

[all] Aww...

[growling] On guard!

He's gotta be strong

And he's gotta be fast

And he's gotta be fresh

From the fight

\- I need a hero

\- Stop!

[Donkey whinnies]

\- Hey, you! Back away from my wife.

\- Shrek?

You couldn't just go back to your swamp

and leave well enough alone.

\- Now!

\- Pigs und blanket!

Pinocchio! Get the wand!

I see London! I see France!

Whah!

I'm a real boy!

Ah! Ah! Aaahhh!

Catch!

Donkey!

Oh!

I'm a real boy. Aah!

Oh!

\- Ha!

\- Ah.

That's mine!

Pray for mercy, from Puss...

And Donkey!

She's taken the potion!

Kiss her now!

No!

\- Hi-ya!

\- [crowd gasp]

\- Fiona.

\- Shrek.

Harold! You were supposed

to give her the potion!

Well, I guess I gave her

the wrong tea.

\- [Charming] Mommy!

\- Mommy?

[growls] I told you.

Ogres don't live happily ever after.

[screams]

Woo!

Ha!

[breathes deeply]

[gasping] Oh, Dad!

[sobbing]

\- Is he...?

\- Yup.

[croaking]

He croaked.

Harold?

Dad?

I'd hoped you'd never

see me like this.

\- And he gave you a hard time!

\- Donkey!

No, no, he's right.

I'm sorry.

To both of you.

I only wanted what

was best for Fiona.

But I can see now...

she already has it.

Shrek, Fiona...

Will you accept

an old frog's apologies...

and my blessing?

Harold?

I'm sorry, Lillian.

I just wish I could be

the man you deserve.

You're more that man today

than you ever were...

warts and all.

[ribbits]

[clock chimes]

[clock chimes]

Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion!

Midnight!

Fiona. Is this what you want?

To be this way forever?

\- What?

\- Because if you kiss me now...

we can stay like this.

You'd do that?

\- For me?

\- Yes.

I want what any princess wants.

To live happily ever after...

with the ogre I married.

Whatever happens,

I must not cry!

You cannot make me cry!

[sobbing]

[clock chimes]

Whoa!

No. No, no.

Aaah! Ow.

Oh, no.

[sighs]

[laughs] Hey. You still look like

a noble steed to me.

[giggles] Now, where were we?

Oh. I remember.

[giggling]

[applause]

Hey! Isn't we supposed

to be having a fiesta?

Uno, dos, quatro, hit it!

[ Eddie Murphy/Antonio Banderas:

Livin' La Vida Loca]

[ Eddie Murphy/Antonio Banderas:

Livin' La Vida Loca]

Puss and Donkey, y'all...

She's into superstitions

Black cats and voodoo dolls

\- Sing it, Puss!

\- I feel a premonition

That girl's gonna make me fall

Here we go!

She's into new sensations

New kicks in the candlelight

She's got a new addiction

For every day and night

She'll make you take your clothes off

And go dancing in the rain

She'll make you live her crazy life

But she'll take away your pain

Like a bullet to your brain

Upside inside out

Living la vida loca

Hey gorgeous!

Living la vida loca

Her lips are devil red

And her skin's the color of mocha

She will wear you out

\- Living la vida loca

\- [Donkey] She livin' it loca!

Living la vida loca

\- [Donkey] Say it one more time now!

\- Living the vida loca

[Puss in Boots jamming]

[Puss in Boots]

Hey, Donkey, that's Spanish!

She'll push and pull you down

Living la vida loca

She will wear you out

Living la vida loca

Living la vida loca

She'll push and pull you down

Living the vida loca

Her lips are devil red

And her skin's the color of mocha

She will wear you out

Living la vida loca

Living la vida loca

Living la vida loca

Living la vida loca

All by myself

All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myself anymore...

Amigo, we are off

to the Kit-Kat Club.

Come on, join us.

Thanks, compadre.

I'm... I'm not in the mood.

We will cheer you up!

Find you a nice burro!

[shrieking]

Hey, baby!

Hey, that's my girl!

Yeah! All right!

Baby, where you been?

\- [cries]

\- I'm sorry, too.

I should've stayed.

But Shrek had this thing he had to do.

What? Say it one more time.

What you talking about?

Are you serious?

\- [cooing]

\- [gasping]

\- Papa!

\- [screaming]

\- [cooing, squealing]

\- [chuckling]

Look at our little mutant babies!

[Donkey] I got to get a job.

[Donkey] I got to get a job.

/pre 


	4. Names of Fallen Heroes

pre strong INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES THEATER - NIGHT /strong A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Onward Chauncey, to the highest room of the tallest tower! Where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming.  
Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background.  
In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop.  
The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience.  
strong GINGERBREAD MAN /strong This is worse than Love Letters! I hate dinner theatre.  
strong PINOCCHIO /strong Me too.  
Pinocchio's nose grows as he is caught in the lie.  
Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Whoa there, Chauncey!  
He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He strikes a dramatic pose.  
A Princess leans from a tower window.  
strong ACTRESS /strong Hark! The brave Prince Charming approach-ith.  
Prince Charming puffs his chest out.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 2.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Fear not fair maiden! I shall slay the monster that guards you and take my place as rightful King.  
An old couple at a table look confused.  
strong OLD LADY /strong (to old man)  
What did she say?  
Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him.  
A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage.  
strong OGRE /strong Grrrrrrr!  
The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures cheer.  
strong FAIRYTALE CREATURES /strongstrong (CHEERING)  
/strong Woooo hoooo!  
strong GINGERBREAD MAN /strong Yea! Shrek!  
At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the monster.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Prepare foul beast to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar!  
He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake.  
strong WAITER /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong Happy Birthday to thee.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Do you mind?  
Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade.  
strong GINGERBREAD MAN /strong Do you mind? Bo-ring!  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 3.  
The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again.  
The tower facade starts to topple.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strongstrong (CLEARS THROAT)  
/strong Prepare foul beast-  
Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes.  
The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong (shaking his sword again)  
Someday you'll be sorry.  
strong HECKLER /strongstrong (O.S.)  
/strong We already are!  
They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword,  
picks up his hobby horse and exits.  
strong OGRE /strong Grrrrrrr!  
The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage.  
strong INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER /strong Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it.  
He opens it.  
strong EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS /strong Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make-  
shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater.  
Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries.  
He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel"  
is written on the picture.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 4.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strongstrong (HEAVY SOBS)  
/strong Oh mommy.  
He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Oh, you're right. I can't let this happen. I can't.  
Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He holds his chin up high.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong I am the rightful King of Far Far Away and I promise you this mother.  
I will restore dignity to my throne!  
A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face.  
He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D)  
/strong And this time, no one will stand in my way!  
In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a crowd.  
Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists.  
strong EXT. CASTLE - MORNING /strong The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises and the birds sing.  
strong INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS /strong The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up.  
strong SHREK /strong Good morning.  
strong FIONA /strong Good morning.  
strong (DREAMY)  
/strong Oh... morning breath...  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 5.  
Shrek breathes in and smiles.  
strong SHREK /strongstrong (DREAMY)  
/strong I know. Isn't it wonderful?  
The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes.  
strong DONKEY /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "Good morning! Good morning!"  
Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused.  
Donkey starts to sing "Good Morning" from Singin' in the Rain as he enters the room.  
strong DONKEY /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "The sun is shining through! Good morning! Good morning.  
(coming closer and closer strong TO SHREK)  
/strong "To you!"  
strong (TO SHREK)  
/strong "And you!"  
strong (TO DRONKEY)  
/strong And you!  
The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path.  
strong DONKEY /strong Oh, they grow up so fast.  
Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys.  
strong SHREK /strong Not fast enough.  
Puss leaps onto the bed.  
strong PUSS /strong Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen.  
There are several functions that require your attendance, sir.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 6.  
strong SHREK /strong Great! Let's get started.  
Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore.  
strong DONKEY /strong C'mon, lazy bones, time to get movin'!  
Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is surprised to see Shrek's bare legs.  
strong DONKEY /strong Aaahhh! You know you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies.  
Shrek sighs.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY - DAY /strong The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the title: "Shrek The Third" is superimposed.  
A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church.  
Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous.  
Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn't have any idea what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek starts to knight the knight.  
strong SHREK /strong I knight thee...  
Shrek accidentally stabs the knight.  
strong SHREK /strong He-he. Ooh.  
The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 7.  
strong EXT. BOAT DOCKS - DAY /strong Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy.  
Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks.  
Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY /strong Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them.  
strong DONKEY /strong Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real King. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek please?  
Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow.  
strong RAUL /strongstrong (AHEM)  
/strong I will see what I can do.  
He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools.  
Suddenly Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair.  
A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes.  
We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash.  
Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked.  
strong FIONA /strong Ow!  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 8.  
Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's.  
A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and tighten up the zipper all the way.  
A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn,  
Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP!  
A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is tightened.  
A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek.  
strong INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER /strong REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits.  
Donkey gasps.  
strong DONKEY /strong Oh!  
Puss rolls his eyes.  
strong PUSS /strong Yeah, wow.  
Fiona is uncomfortable.  
strong FIONA /strong Uh, is this really necessary?  
strong RAUL /strongstrong (TO SHREK)  
/strong Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona.  
strong SHREK /strong I'm Shrek, you twit.  
strong RAUL /strong Whatever.  
strong PUSS /strong Okay peoples! This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle.  
strong DONKEY /strong Smiles everyone, smiles!  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 9.  
Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party.  
Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood.  
strong SHREK /strong I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona.  
strong FIONA /strong I'm sorry Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better.  
Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh.  
strong FIONA /strong Shrek?  
strong SHREK /strong Yeah.  
strong FIONA /strong You look handsome.  
strong SHREK /strong Ah. Come here, you.  
She gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back.  
Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it.  
Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air.  
strong SHREK /strong Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit!  
Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail.  
strong SHREK /strong Oh.  
strong (WHISTLE)  
/strong Hey you. Come here!  
A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek.  
strong SHREK /strong What's your name?  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 10.  
strong FIDDLESWORTH /strong Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir.  
strong SHREK /strong Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect.  
strong INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS /strong The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona.  
strong MASTER OF CEREMONIES /strong Ladies and gentlemen, Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek!  
The audience claps. The curtain starts to open.  
Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt.  
strong SHREK /strong You've done it. Oh, a little over to the left, yeah. That's great.  
strong FIONA /strong Uh Shrek?  
Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention.  
strong SHREK /strong Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh that's it!  
Oh that's good!  
strong FIONA /strong Shrek...  
strong SHREK /strong Oh yeah! Scratch that thing! You got it. You're on it. That's great!  
strong FIONA /strongstrong SHREK!  
/strong Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously.  
Suddenly Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming.  
strong DONKEY /strong Ow! My eye! My eye!  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 11.  
As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd.  
strong WOMAN /strong What are you doing?  
The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase which causes Fiona to fall over.  
Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona.  
strong SHREK /strong Fiona!  
He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole,  
trapping him.  
strong FIDDLESWORTH /strong Uhhh...  
strong (WIMPER)  
/strong Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor.  
strong SHREK /strong Are you okay?  
strong FIONA /strong Yeah. I'm fine.  
Fiona's eyes suddenly widen.  
Fiddlesworth's jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers.  
strong FIDDLESWORTH /strong Ahhhh!  
The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite.  
strong DONKEY /strong Oh! Shrimp! My favorite.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 12.  
The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half.  
The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide.  
strong CRASH! BANG!  
/strong strong CUT TO BLACK:  
/strong strong INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT /strong The door to Fiona's room flies open.  
strong SHREK /strong That's it! We're leaving!  
Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face.  
strong FIONA /strong Honey, please calm down...  
Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside.  
strong SHREK /strong Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona and I never will be.  
Shrek wipes off his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to Donkey.  
strong DONKEY /strong I think that went pretty well.  
Shrek startles.  
strong SHREK /strong Donkey!  
Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door.  
strong DONKEY /strong Aww, come on now Shrek!  
Shrek slams the door shut.  
Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on his pillow.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 13.  
strong PUSS /strong Some people just don't understand boundaries.  
Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the blinds.  
Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries to calm him down.  
strong FIONA /strong Just think... a couple more days,  
and we'll be back home in our vermin-filled shack, strewn with fungus, filled with the rotting stench of mud and neglect.  
This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath and exhales. He smiles.  
strong SHREK /strong Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled."  
strong FIONA /strong And, uh... maybe even the pitter-  
patter of little feet on the floor...?  
strong SHREK /strongstrong (LAUGHS)  
/strong That's right. The swamp rats will be spawning.  
strong FIONA /strong Uh, no... you know, what I was thinking of is a little bit bigger than a swamp rat.  
strong SHREK /strong Donkey?  
strong FIONA /strong No, Shrek. Um... what if -  
strong THEORETICALLY -  
/strong strong SHREK /strong Yeah?  
strong FIONA /strong They were little ogre feet?  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 14.  
strong SHREK /strong Oh.  
strong (NERVOUS LAUGH)  
/strong Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed.  
He slowly emerges from behind the bed.  
strong SHREK /strong Honey? Let's try and be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop and they cry and then they cry when they poop and they poop when they cry...Now, imagine an ogre baby.  
They extra cry and they extra poop.  
strong FIONA /strong Shrek.  
She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes.  
strong FIONA /strong Don't you ever think about having a family?  
Shrek takes her hand.  
strong SHREK /strong Right now, you're my family.  
There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open,  
revealing a Royal Page.  
Shrek springs up.  
strong SHREK /strong Well, somebody better be dying.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong INT. KING'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER /strong The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King's bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing.  
strong KING HAROLD /strong I'm dying.  
The King inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit.  
Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. The Queen comes to the King's aid and he settles down.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 15.  
strong QUEEN /strong Harold.  
strong KING HAROLD /strong Don't forget to pay the gardener,  
Lillian.  
The Queen is used to these kind of non-sequiturs.  
strong QUEEN /strong Of course darling.  
The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter.  
strong KING HAROLD /strong Fiona...  
strong FIONA /strong Yes Daddy?  
strong KING HAROLD /strong I know I've made many mistakes with you.  
strong FIONA /strong It's okay.  
strong KING HAROLD /strong But your love for Shrek has taught me so much.  
Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek.  
strong KING HAROLD /strong My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son.  
strong SHREK /strong And I'm proud to call you my Frog... King Dad in-law.  
Shrek smiles.  
strong KING HAROLD /strong Now, there is a matter of business to attend tooo...  
The King starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops.  
They think he's dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat.  
strong PUSS /strong The Frog King is dead.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 16.  
Fiona starts crying. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing.  
strong DONKEY /strongstrong (TO PUSS)  
/strong Put your hat back on, fool.  
strong KING HAROLD /strong Shrek, please come hither.  
Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King.  
strong SHREK /strong Yeah, Dad?  
strong KING HAROLD /strong This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne.  
strong SHREK /strong Ooo. Next in line. Now you see Dad, that's why people love you.  
Even on your deathbed you're still making jokes.  
The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer.  
strong SHREK /strong Oh, come on Dad...an Ogre as King?  
I don't think that's such a good idea. There's got to be somebody else. Anybody?  
strong KING HAROLD /strong Aside from you there is only one remaining heir.  
Shrek brightens.  
strong SHREK /strong Really!? Who is he, Dad?  
strong KING HAROLD /strong His name is... is... is...  
strong SHREK /strong What's his name? What's his name?  
strong KING HAROLD /strong ...is ...  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 17.  
Shrek leans in closer after each "is," waiting in anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate.  
strong FIONA /strong Daddy!  
The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away.  
Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame.  
A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on.  
strong KING HAROLD /strong (chewing the fly)  
His name is Arthur.  
strong SHREK /strong Arthur?  
strong KING HAROLD /strongstrong (COUGH)  
/strong I know you'll do what's...  
strong (EXHALING)  
/strong riiiight...  
He succumbs. The King really is dead now.  
strong QUEEN /strong Harold!?  
strong SHREK /strong Dad? Dad? Dad?  
Donkey bows his head.  
strong DONKEY /strong Do your thing, man.  
Puss takes his hat off.  
Fiona starts to cry and hugs Shrek. The weight of the King's request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock.  
We hold a moment on the Queen, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey to let the King's passing sink in.  
strong DISSOLVE TO:  
/strong Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 18.  
strong EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS /strong The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up the shops on Rodeo Drive.  
strong DISSOLVE TO:  
/strong strong EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS /strong The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the flag is lowered to half-masked.  
strong EXT. POND - LATER /strong Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen,  
and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered for the funeral. The Queen sets an old shoe box ("Ye Olde Footlocker") on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out into the water.  
An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing "Live and Let Die." The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly.  
Shrek puts his arm around Fiona.  
The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse.  
Shrek, Fiona and the Queen stand by the pond. The Queen sadly gazes at the pond.  
strong DISSOLVE TO:  
/strong strong EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE - CONTINUOUS /strong The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and rides off.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. POISONED APPLE BAR - NIGHT /strong Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 19.  
strong INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS /strong Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing "I've Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson.  
The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch of empty beer mugs.  
Prince Charming enters the bar.  
A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming.  
Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves glare in Prince Charming's direction. Prince Charming walks by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White)  
playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman's neck.  
Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool,  
and sits.  
Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He clears his throat.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here?  
Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster with a smiling beer wench.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know.  
He winks at her. She glares at him.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Where's Doris, taking the night off?  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20.  
strong MABEL /strong She's not welcome here and neither are you.  
She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel.  
strong MABEL (CONT'D)  
/strong What do you want, Charming?  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Oh not much, just a chance at redemption...  
strong (LAUGHS)  
/strong And a Fuzzy Navel.  
Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends!  
Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug.  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong We're not your friends.  
Prince Charming grows nervous.  
The Villains all approach Prince Charming.  
From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Ahh!  
Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming's neck.  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong You don't belong here.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong You're right; oh, I mean you're absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us?  
strong CYCLOPS /strong Do a number on his face!  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 21.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think.  
Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves saved Snow White and then what happened?  
strong EVIL QUEEN /strong Oh, what's it to you?  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are,  
hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel?  
strong EVIL QUEEN /strong Pretty unfair.  
Prince Charming begins to work the crowd.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong And you? Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father.  
strong PUPPET MASTER /strong I hate that little wooden puppet.  
Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong And Hook...  
Prince Charming looks down at the hook.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D)  
/strong ... Need I say more?  
Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong And you! Frumpypigskin.  
strong RUMPLESTILTSKIN /strong Rumplestiltskin.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Where's that first-born you were promised, hey?  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 22.  
Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm.  
Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper?  
Mabel sighs.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting with every little last Fairy-tale Creature that has ever done you wrong.  
Prince Charming now has everyone's attention.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told.  
The crowd listens, rapt.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their happily ever after?!  
The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. DOCKS - DUSK /strong The camera booms down from the lighthouse.  
strong BLIND MOUSE #1 /strong This way gents.  
The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they set off to retrieve Arthur.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 23.  
On the docks, two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat.  
strong PUSS /strong It's out of my hands senorita, the winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life.  
Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss.  
strong PUSS (CONT'D)  
/strong As are you...  
Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching Puss.  
strong PUSS (CONT'D)  
/strong And you.  
Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs away from them and into another.  
strong PUSS (CONT'D)  
/strong And, uh... hi. I don't know you,  
but I'd like to. I gotta go.  
Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets out a soft wail.  
strong DONKEY /strong I know, I know... I don't want to leave you either baby, but you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me.  
She gives him an understanding smile.  
strong DONKEY /strong But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses everyday!  
He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his children, holding back tears.  
strong DONKEY /strong Alright, be strong babies! Be strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you listen to Mama, alright? And Bananas, no more roastin'  
marshmallows on your sister's head.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 24.  
Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze.  
strong DONKEY /strong Ah, that's my special boy. Oh,  
come over here, all of you. Give your Daddy a big hug!  
The baby Dronkeys fly around their Daddy.  
The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey and the others.  
Fiona nervously takes in a breath.  
strong FIONA /strong Shrek, maybe you should just stay and be King.  
strong SHREK /strong Oh, c'mon, there's no way I could ever run a kingdom. That's why your cousin Arthur's the perfect choice.  
strong FIONA /strong It's not that. No. It's, you see...  
strong SHREK (CONT'D)  
/strong And if he gives me any trouble,  
I've always got persuasion and reason.  
(holds up his right fist)  
Here's persuasion,  
(holds up his left fist)  
and here's reason.  
Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her.  
strong SHREK /strong Fiona, soon it's just gonna be you and me and our swamp.  
strong FIONA /strongstrong (HESITANT)  
/strong It's not going to be just you and me.  
The ship's fog horn sounds.  
strong SHIP CAPTAIN /strong All aboard!  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 25.  
strong SHREK /strong It will be. I promise. I love you.  
He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat.  
He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out "We Love You Daddy" with smoke in the sky.  
strong FAIRYTALE CREATURES /strong Awwwwwwwww!  
strong PIG #1 /strong That's lovely.  
Donkey waves to his kids, sobs.  
strong DONKEY /strong Bye bye babies!  
Fiona runs after the boat.  
strong FIONA /strong Shrek!  
Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her.  
strong SHREK /strong Yeah?  
strong FIONA /strong Wait!  
strong SHREK /strong What is it?  
She smiles and takes a deep breath.  
strong FIONA /strong I'm, I'm-  
The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek smiles back at her.  
strong SHREK /strongstrong (LAUGHS)  
/strong I love you too honey!  
strong FIONA /strong No... No, I said I'm pr-  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 26.  
The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn and throws it overboard.  
strong SHREK /strong You're what?!  
strong FIONA /strong I said I'm pregnant!  
The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer.  
strong SHREK /strong (doesn't want to believe strong HIS EARS)  
/strong Uh... what was that?  
strong FIONA /strong You're going to be a father!  
strong SHREK /strongstrong (NERVOUS LAUGH)  
/strong That's great.  
strong FIONA /strong Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you.  
Shrek smiles back at Fiona.  
strong SHREK /strong Yeah...  
strong (NERVOUS LAUGH)  
/strong Me too... you...  
Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder.  
Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing.  
strong DONKEY /strong I'm gonna be an Uncle. I'm gonna be an Uncle! I'm gonna be an Uncle!  
strong PUSS /strong Oh, and you my friend are royally-  
The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 27.  
strong EXT. BOAT CABIN - NIGHT /strong The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself.  
Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door.  
strong SHREK /strong Ahhh. Home.  
He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right outside of Shrek's swamp house.  
He leaps off the boat.  
strong SHREK /strong Woohoo!  
strong EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS /strong Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air.  
strong SHREK /strong Ahh.  
He skips and dances happily toward his house.  
strong FIONA (O.S.)  
/strong Shrek!?  
strong SHREK /strong Ooo.  
strong (LAUGHS)  
/strong strong INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS /strong He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed,  
presenting himself.  
strong SHREK /strong Fiona!  
After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that Fiona is not there.  
strong SHREK /strong Fiona?  
He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed behind him.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28.  
A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket.  
Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling innocently at him.  
strong SHREK /strong Huh? Oh no.  
The baby burps.  
strong SHREK /strongstrong (AMUSED)  
/strong Better out than in, I always say.  
Ha ha!  
strong OGRE BABY /strong Hiccup!  
This time the baby's burp turns into projectile vomit aimed directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek.  
The baby looks like it's about to cry. Shrek raises his hands.  
strong SHREK /strong No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha.  
It's okay. It's gonna be alright.  
Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes that his house is filled with babies.  
strong OGRE BABY /strong Da-Da!  
Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies onto Shrek's head. A standing lamp with a baby on top falls,  
and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him.  
Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a baby out of the cauldron.  
strong SHREK /strong Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya?  
No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No.  
Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf.  
Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs through the room picking up babies.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29.  
strong INT. SHREK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS /strong After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides open the curtain to his bedroom.  
strong SHREK /strong Huh?  
He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The baby shrugs.  
strong OGRE BABY /strong Bubabatoo?  
Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around.  
Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace.  
First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow.  
Hundreds of them start piling in.  
Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind.  
strong INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS /strong Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet.  
He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his high school.  
Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS /strong Shrek's eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose himself.  
strong SHREK /strong Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake-  
up!  
Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in,  
Donkey's eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30.  
strong DONKEY /strong (with ogre baby head)  
Da-da!  
A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and Puss wake up.  
strong SHREK /strong Ahhhh!  
He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself.  
strong DONKEY /strong Shrek. Shrek, are you okay?  
strong SHREK /strong Oh... I can't believe I'm going to be a father.  
Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to the ship's railing.  
strong SHREK /strong How did this happen?  
strong PUSS /strong Allow me to explain. You see, when a man has certain feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him...  
strong SHREK /strong I know how it happened. I just can't believe it.  
Shrek walks away.  
Donkey leans over to Puss.  
strong DONKEY /strong How does it happen?  
Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend.  
strong DONKEY /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,  
strong (MORE)  
/strong Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31.  
strong DONKEY (CONT'D)  
/strong Little boy blue and the man in the moon.  
Shrek rolls his eyes.  
strong DONKEY (CONT'D)  
/strong "When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when,  
But we'll get together then, Dad-"  
Shrek cuts Donkey off.  
strong SHREK /strong Donkey, can you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better?  
Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing and whispers into Shrek's other ear.  
strong PUSS /strong You know I love Fiona, Boss.  
Right?  
strong (CONFIDENTIALLY)  
/strong But what I'm talking about here is you, me, my cousin's boat, an ice-  
cold pitcher of mojitos, and two weeks of nothing but fishing.  
Puss makes a "let's go fishing" gesture by casting an imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to whisper in Shrek's other ear.  
strong DONKEY /strong Man, don't you listen to him.  
Having a baby is not going to ruin your life.  
strong SHREK /strong It's not my life I'm worried about ruining. It's the kid's.  
Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants.  
strong SHREK /strong I mean...when have you ever heard the phrase "as sweet as an...ogre"  
or "as nurturing as...an ogre" Or how `bout..."you're gonna' love my dad...he's a real ogre."  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32.  
strong DONKEY /strong Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said it was going to be easy. But at least you got us to help you out.  
strong SHREK /strong That's true.  
He thinks for a moment.  
strong SHREK /strong I'm doomed.  
strong DONKEY /strong You'll be fine.  
strong SHIP CAPTAIN /strong You're finished.  
Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat.  
strong SHIP CAPTAIN /strong Uh, with your journey.  
He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a nearby bluff.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY /strong Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle.  
Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance.  
strong DONKEY /strong Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that sounds fancy.  
strong SHREK /strong It's Worcestershire.  
strong DONKEY /strong Like the sauce!? Mmmm... It's spicy!  
The drawbridge to the castle lowers.  
strong DONKEY /strong Oohh! They must be expecting us.  
They start over the drawbridge.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33.  
A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek.  
strong DONKEY /strong What in the shista-shire kind of place is this?  
Shrek suddenly looks concerned.  
strong SHREK /strong Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school.  
strong DONKEY /strong High school?!  
strong EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS /strong A group of cheerleaders practice.  
strong CHEERLEADERS /strong Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou headed, to the top? Yeah we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay we thinks not! We thinks not!  
Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as he walks through the courtyard.  
strong FEMALE STUDENT #1 /strong Ahhhhh!  
The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked.  
A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution -  
Student Driver."  
strong DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR /strong All right Mr. Percival, just ease up on the reigns-  
The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen.  
Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage.  
strong VAN STUDENT /strong (cough, cough)  
For lo bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34.  
strong DONKEY /strong I'm already starting to feel nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies!  
strong PUSS /strong But how did you receive the wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of the underpants?  
strong DONKEY /strong Let's just say some things are better left unsaid and leave it at that.  
He notices two female students discussing their love lives.  
strong GUINEVERRE /strong So then I was all like "I'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden than go out with you."  
strong TIFFANY /strong Eh, totally.  
Shrek approaches them.  
strong SHREK /strong Pardon me...  
They flee in terror.  
strong GUINEVERRE /strong Eh! Totally ew-th!  
strong TIFFANY /strong Yeah, totally!  
A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board game.  
strong GARY /strong Yes! I just altered my character level to plus three superbability.  
strong SHREK /strong Hi, we're looking for someone named-  
strong GARY /strong Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork"  
spell and summoned the beast and his quadrupeds.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35.  
strong XAVIER /strong Ha! Ha!  
strong (SNORT)  
/strong Ah!  
The students panics when his nose starts to bleed.  
strong SHREK /strong I know you're busy "not fitting in"  
but can either of you tell me where I can find Arthur?  
While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points towards the athletic field.  
strong GARY /strong He's over there.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS /strong In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed.  
He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge.  
Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the charge. It's an exciting back and forth.  
Hooves pound on sand.  
The Knight's eyes steady.  
The horse rears majestically.  
The opponent's eyes widen in fear.  
The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey.  
Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys his victory.  
strong KNIGHT (LANCELOT)  
/strong Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory!  
strong JOCKS /strong Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!  
Shrek turns to Puss.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36.  
strong SHREK /strong Strong, handsome, face of a leader.  
Does Arthur look like a King or what?  
Shrek steps forward.  
strong TEENAGER (ARTIE)  
/strong Ow.  
Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of LANCELOT's opponent. Shrek steps back.  
strong SHREK /strong Oh. Sorry.  
The kid doesn't budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out where he hit the ground.  
strong TEENAGER (ARTIE)  
/strong Did you just say you were looking for Arthur?  
Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around.  
strong PUSS /strong That information is on a need to know basis.  
strong DONKEY /strong It's top secret, hushity hush.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA /strong The Knight commands his troops.  
strong KNIGHT (LANCELOT)  
/strong Now gentlemen let's away... to the showers!  
strong JOCKS /strong Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo!  
Shrek approaches the Knight.  
The Knight's horse rears up and he falls off. The horse gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37.  
strong SHREK (CONT'D)  
/strong Greetings your majesty. This is your lucky day.  
strong KNIGHT (LANCELOT)  
/strong So what for like are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something?  
strong SHREK /strong Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant leprechaun... You made a funny.  
Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder,  
ogre-style.  
strong KNIGHT (LANCELOT)  
/strong Unhand me, monster!  
strong SHREK /strong Stop squirming, Arthur.  
strong KNIGHT (LANCELOT)  
/strong I'm not Arthur!  
Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot tries to regain his dignity.  
strong LANCELOT /strong I am Lancelot.  
Lancelot points across the school yard.  
strong LANCELOT /strong That dork over there is Arthur!  
He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the school yard.  
strong SHREK /strong Hey!  
Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking.  
Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground.  
strong LANCELOT /strong Aaah.  
Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38.  
strong GUINEVERRE /strong Ahem! This is like totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly...  
The other girls giggle.  
strong GUINEVERRE /strong And she thought perchance thou would wanna ask her to the Homecoming Dance or something...  
strong SHREK /strong Uh, excuse me?  
strong GUINEVERRE /strong It's like whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff.  
She pops her gum.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong INT. HALLWAY - LATER /strong Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie.  
strong SHREK /strong Oh Arthur! Come out, come out wherever you are...  
Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing.  
strong DONKEY /strong Yeah, you better run, you little punk no good-niks, `cause the days of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers"  
are over!  
An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey's butt.  
Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a HALL MONITOR who stops them.  
strong HALL MONITOR /strong Hold it...  
Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39.  
strong COSTUME STUDENT 1 /strong We're here for the Mascot Contest.  
strong COSTUME STUDENT 2 /strong Grrrrr!  
The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea.  
strong SHREK /strong (pleased with himself)  
We're here for the Mascot Contest too.  
The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain.  
strong HALL MONITOR /strongstrong (SUSPICIOUS)  
/strong This is a costume?  
strong SHREK /strongstrong (RECOVERING)  
/strong Aaaiyyyy... worked on it all night long!  
The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still suspicious.  
strong HALL MONITOR /strong Looks pretty real to me.  
strong PUSS /strong If it were real could I do this?  
Puss's claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek's butt.  
strong DONKEY /strong Or this?  
Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs.  
Shrek winces and sweats.  
strong SHREK /strongstrong (UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED)  
/strong He's right! If it were real that would have been agonizingly painful!  
strong DONKEY /strong Now watch this...  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40.  
strong SHREK /strongstrong (INTERRUPTING; THROUGH /strongstrong GRITTED TEETH)  
/strong That's quite enough boys.  
strong INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS /strong Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire student body. He speaks through a megaphone.  
strong PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY /strong Thank you to Professor Primbottom for his invigorating lecture on how to just say "nay".  
Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed up like a dragon and the other as a griffin.  
strong PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY /strong And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah to the winner of our "New Mascot"  
contest... the-  
Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym.  
strong PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT'D)  
/strong -ogre?  
The students gasp as Shrek marches forward.  
strong SHREK /strong That's right. I'm the new mascot.  
So let's really try and beat the other guys... at whatever it is they're doing.  
The band plays Smashmouth's "Rock Star."  
strong PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY /strong This is indeed all a bit unorthodox.  
Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley's megaphone.  
strong SHREK /strong Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon?  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41.  
The students all point... to the basketball hoop, where Artie hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh.  
In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort.  
strong LANCELOT /strong Classic.  
Donkey turns to Lancelot.  
strong DONKEY /strong You should be ashamed of yourself.  
strong LANCELOT /strong I didn't do it. They did.  
Lance points to the DD nerds. They are beside themselves with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again.  
Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level.  
strong ARTIE /strong Please don't eat me.  
strong STUDENTS /strongstrong (CHANTING)  
/strong Eat him! Eat him!  
Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement.  
strong PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY /strong Eat him!  
Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop.  
strong SHREK /strong I'm not here to eat him.  
strong STUDENTS /strongstrong AWWW.  
/strong strong SHREK /strong It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away.  
strong ARTIE /strong What?  
The students react with surprise and disbelief.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42.  
strong LANCELOT /strong Artie a King? More like the Mayor of Loserville.  
strong BOHORT /strong Nice one Lance!  
They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha.  
strong LANCELOT /strong Burn.  
Everyone laughs.  
strong ARTIE /strong Is this for real?  
strong SHREK /strong Absolutely. Now clean out your locker, kid. You've got a kingdom to run.  
strong ARTIE /strong So wait, I'm really the only heir?  
Shrek pauses for just a moment, then...  
strong SHREK /strong The one and only.  
strong ARTIE /strong Give me just a second.  
Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt speech.  
strong ARTIE /strong My good people, I think there's a lesson here for all of us. Maybe the next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot,  
you'll stop and think, hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. Because maybe, just maybe... this guy's gonna turn out to be, uh...I dunno...a King! And maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him - that's right, I'm looking at you, jousting team.  
Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43.  
strong ARTIE /strong And Gwen... oh Gwen. I've always loved you.  
strong GUINEVERRE /strong Ew.  
strong ARTIE /strong Well good friends, it breaks my heart, but, enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world baby!  
strong SHREK /strong Alright, let's not overdo it.  
strong ARTIE /strong I'm building my city people! On Rock and Roll!  
strong SHREK /strong You just overdid it.  
Shrek shoves the kid through the door.  
strong ARTIE /strong Ow!  
Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong INT. LIBRARY - DAY /strong All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for Fiona's baby shower. A group of birds gently place a flowered wreath on Fiona's head. The Princesses all gaze at her.  
strong PRINCESSES /strongstrong (GASP)  
/strong Oh!  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong Look at you!  
strong RAPUNZEL /strong Wow!  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong You look darling!  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44.  
strong SLEEPING BEAUTY /strong Just precious! Look at her!  
strong RAPUNZEL /strong So, have you had any cravings since you've been pregnant?  
Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on.  
strong FIONA /strongstrong (MOUTH FULL)  
/strong No, no, not at all.  
She takes another bite.  
strong FIONA /strong Do you smell ham?  
strong SNOW WHITE /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong Oooh! It's present time!  
The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed.  
strong CINDERELLA /strong Oh, Fiona, won't you please open mine first? It's the one in front.  
Fiona reads the card.  
strong FIONA /strongstrong (READING)  
/strong "Congratulations on your new mess maker..." Oh, `mess maker.'  
strong (LAUGHS)  
/strong "Hopefully this helps. Love,  
Cinderella."  
Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper-  
scooper.  
strong PRINCESSES /strong Oooo! Aaaah!  
strong DORIS /strong Will you look at that!  
strong SLEEPING BEAUTY /strong What is it?  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45.  
strong CINDERELLA /strong It's for the poopies.  
strong SLEEPING BEAUTY /strong Eww. Wait, babies poop?  
strong RAPUNZEL /strong Everyone poops Beauty.  
The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited.  
strong PIG #2 /strong Fiona...  
strong PIG #1 /strong Fiona! We all chipped in for a little present too.  
strong PIGS /strong Yah!  
Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with Gingerbread Man inside.  
strong GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO /strong Ta dah!  
strong PRINCESSES /strong Oooh.  
strong GINGERBREAD MAN /strong You know the baby's gonna love it because I do!  
strong FIONA /strong Oh, you guys, that's so sweet.  
Thank you.  
Fiona turns to another present.  
strong FIONA /strong Who's this one from?  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong I got you the biggest one because I love you the most.  
The other girls scowl at her.  
strong FIONA /strong (reading the card)  
"Have one on me, love Snow White"  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46.  
Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf.  
strong FIONA /strongstrong (CONFUSED)  
/strong Umm... what is it?  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong Ha, haaa! He's a live-in baby-  
sitter.  
strong NANNY DWARF /strong Where's the baby?  
strong FIONA /strong You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong Think nothing of it. I've got six more at home.  
strong FIONA /strong What does he do?  
strong CINDERELLA /strong The cleaning.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong The feeding.  
strong NANNY DWARF /strong The burping.  
strong FIONA /strong So what are Shrek and I supposed to do?  
strong RAPUNZEL /strong Well, now you'll have plenty of time to work on your marriage.  
strong FIONA /strong Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what's that supposed to mean?  
strong RAPUNZEL /strong Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know what happens.  
Cinderella prods beauty.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 47.  
strong SLEEPING BEAUTY /strongstrong (WAKING)  
/strong Huh? You're tired all the time...  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong You'll start letting yourself go...  
strong GINGERBREAD MAN /strong Stretch marks!  
strong RAPUNZEL /strong Say goodbye to romance.  
Dragon puts her head through the window.  
strong DRAGON /strong Yort.  
strong FIONA /strong Um sorry... but how many of you have kids?  
Doris wedges herself in on the couch.  
strong DORIS /strong She's right. A baby is only gonna strengthen the love that Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? Tell me!  
Fiona smiles.  
strong FIONA /strong Well, when he first found out...Shrek said-  
strong DRAGON /strong Roarrr!  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY - DAY /strong The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle with one of the witches.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D)  
/strongstrong (LAUGHING)  
/strong Onward my new friends.  
strong (MORE)  
/strong Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 48.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D)  
/strong To our happily ever afters! Ha ha ha ha ha!  
A bug flies into his mouth.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Gaa! Gulp! Ahhhh!  
Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Now, bombs away!  
From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches swoop down in "winged" formation on the broomsticks.  
The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards Rodeo Drive.  
strong EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS /strong A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People are diving out of her way.  
The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in terror.  
strong EVIL TREES /strong Ha ha ha ha ha ha!  
A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback.  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan.  
strong MOTHER /strong His name's not Peter!  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong Shut it, Wendy!  
strong MOTHER /strong Ahhh!  
Evil dwarves chase patrons from the "Ye Olde Booteria" shop.  
They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into "Ye Olde HOOTERS."  
The excited patrons race back in.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 49.  
An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee.  
Another Villain throws a cart through a store window.  
Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs.  
strong CYCLOPS /strong Ha, ha, ha, ha!  
The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick flying down Rodeo Drive.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Enough pillaging! To the castle!  
Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains up to the castle.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS /strong The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her.  
Fiona runs to the window.  
The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She struggles.  
strong DRAGON /strong Roarrrr!  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS /strong BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door.  
The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other furniture in front of the door.  
The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace themselves against the furniture.  
strong GINGERBREAD MAN /strongstrong (TO FIONA)  
/strong You go and take care of the baby!  
The Princesses panic.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 50.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong Everybody stay calm. We're all going to die!  
Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strongstrong (WHIMPER)  
/strong Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side,  
revealing an underground passageway.  
strong FIONA /strong Everyone in! Now.  
strong INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR - CONTINUOUS /strong Prince Charming commands the Villains.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong C'mon. Put some back into it people!  
The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops rides the tree like a mechanical bull.  
strong CYCLOPS /strong Yee-haw! Ow.  
strong INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS /strong BOOM! The door is starting to give way.  
strong FIONA /strong We don't have time. Now go!  
strong QUEEN /strong Quickly ladies!  
The Princesses go down the stairs.  
strong GINGERBREAD MAN /strong We'll hold them off as long as we can!  
BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open.  
Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 51.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Where are Shrek and Fiona?  
strong GINGERBREAD MAN /strong Name doesn't ring a bell.  
strong PIG #1 /strong Yah!  
strong PIG #2 /strong No bell!  
The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong I suggest you freaks cooperate with the new King of Far Far Away.  
strong GINGERBREAD MAN /strong The only thing you're ever gonna be King of is "King of the Stupids."  
Prince Charming snaps his fingers.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Hook!  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong Right!  
Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man.  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong Avast, ye cookie!  
He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man's chin.  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong Start talkin'!  
Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out.  
A montage of Gingerbread Man's life flashes before his eyes.  
strong INT. BAKERY - DAY /strong A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born.  
strong MUFFIN MAN /strong Gingy!  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 52.  
strong GINGERBREAD MAN /strong Papa!  
strong INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM - DAY /strong Gingerbread Man is attending school.  
strong TEACHER /strong Settle down, now.  
Gingerbread Man graduates.  
strong EXT. ROAD TRIP - DAY /strong Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down.  
strong INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT /strong Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie.  
strong EXT. CHURCH - DAY /strong Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and wife.  
strong INT. FARQUAAD'S CASTLE - DAY /strong Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his legs.  
strong INT. GYM - DAY /strong Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his rehabilitation.  
strong EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY /strong Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field.  
strong CUT BACK TO:  
/strong strong INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS /strong Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 53.  
strong GINGERBREAD MAN /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "On the Good Ship Lollypop,  
It's a sweet trip,  
To the candy shop,  
Where the Bon Bons play,  
On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay.."  
Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio's head towards him.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong You! You can't lie. So tell me puppet... Where is Shrek?!  
Pinocchio thinks.  
strong PINOCCHIO /strongstrong (NERVOUS)  
/strong Well, I don't know where he's not.  
Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio's face.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is?  
Pinocchio is still a little nervous.  
strong PINOCCHIO /strong It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect.  
Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong So you do know where he is!  
strong PINOCCHIO /strong On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less, not definitely rejecting the idea, that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty that...  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Stop it.  
strong PINOCCHIO (CONT'D)  
/strong ...I undeniably do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 54.  
Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated.  
strong PINOCCHIO /strong If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't.  
Gingerbread Man continues to sing his "Lollipop Song."  
strong PIG #1 /strong Oh, enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! Oh!  
The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong He's bringing back the next heir?  
strong PINOCCHIO /strong No!  
Pinocchio's nose grows.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Hook! Get rid of this new "King."  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong Right!  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him.  
strong PINOCCHIO /strong He'll never fall for your tricks!  
Pinocchio's nose grows again.  
strong WOLF /strong Oh boy.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. BOAT DECK - DUSK /strong The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 55.  
strong ARTIE /strong I can't believe it... me a King?  
I...I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me.  
He looks out to sea, disbelieving.  
strong SHREK /strong Oh no, in fact, the King asked for you personally.  
Artie smiles.  
strong ARTIE /strong Really? Wow! Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games.  
strong SHREK /strong It really is all fun and games,  
actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two.  
By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle.  
strong ARTIE /strong Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle.  
Shrek chuckles sheepishly.  
strong SHREK /strong Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks.  
strong ARTIE /strong Whoa! This is gonna be huge.  
Parties, princesses, castles...  
princesses.  
strong DONKEY /strong It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury.  
They got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order.  
Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie.  
strong PUSS /strong And fortunately you'll have the royal food tasters.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 56.  
strong ARTIE /strongstrong (INTRIGUED))  
/strong Oh yeah? What do they do?  
strong PUSS /strong They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned.  
strong ARTIE /strong Poisoned?  
Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in.  
strong SHREK /strong Or too salty!  
Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up.  
strong DONKEY /strongstrong (TO ARTIE)  
/strong Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your body guards.  
strong ARTIE /strong Body guards?  
strong PUSS /strong All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you.  
strong ARTIE /strong Really?  
strong PUSS /strong Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance.  
Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "shut-up" to Puss and Donkey.  
strong DONKEY /strong Just make sure they don't die of famine.  
strong PUSS /strong Or plague.  
strong DONKEY /strong Oh, plague is bad.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 57.  
strong PUSS /strong The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores.  
Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh.  
strong SHREK /strong Oh! Festering sores! Hey, you are one funny kitty cat.  
strong PUSS /strong What did I say?  
strong SHREK /strong We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea.  
Shrek motions to Artie, but he's gone. They all look around.  
strong SHREK (CONT'D)  
/strong Uh, Artie?  
The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away.  
strong ALL /strong Whoa!  
Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain slides by.  
strong SHIP CAPTAIN /strong Whoa! Oh, there goes my hip.  
strong SHREK /strong Artie!  
Shrek turns the wheel the other way.  
strong SHREK (CONT'D)  
/strong What are you doing?!  
The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away.  
Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat.  
A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it.  
strong ARTIE /strong What does it look like?!  
He jams it in the boat's wheel. The boat lurches.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 58.  
He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises up and grabs the wheel and turns it.  
strong SHREK /strong This really isn't up to you!  
Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the wheel back the other way.  
strong ARTIE /strong But I don't know anything about being King!  
strong SHREK /strong You'll learn on the job!  
Donkey and Puss roll across the deck.  
strong DONKEY /strong Whoaaa!  
Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the wheel. They wrestle for control.  
strong ARTIE /strong Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back!  
strong SHREK /strong Back to what? Being a loser?!  
As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking.  
strong SHREK (CONT'D)  
/strong Now look what you did!  
strong ARTIE /strong Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel chief?  
Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead.  
strong DONKEY /strongstrong (SWALLOWING; THEN /strongstrong SHOUTING)  
/strong Shrek!  
Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer the ship clear of the rocks.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 59.  
The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat crash into the rocks.  
strong SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.)  
/strong Land ho!  
strong EXT. BEACH - DUSK /strong Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach.  
He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek drops Puss and Donkey.  
Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame.  
strong PUSS /strong How humiliating...  
strong SHREK /strong Oh, nice going, Your Highness.  
strong ARTIE /strong Oh, so now it's "Your highness?"  
What happened to "loser?" Huh?  
strong SHREK /strong Hey, if you think this is getting you out of anything, well it isn't.  
We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another, and you're gonna be a father!  
Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek uncomfortably.  
strong ARTIE /strong What?  
strong DONKEY /strong (clearing his throat)  
A-hem. You just said father...  
strong SHREK /strong You're... I said king. You're gonna be King!  
strong ARTIE /strongstrong (IMITATING SHREK)  
/strong "You're gonna be King!" Yeah right.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 60.  
Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a path into the woods.  
strong SHREK /strong Where do you think you're going?  
strong ARTIE /strong Far Far Away... from you!  
strong SHREK /strong You get back here young man and I mean it!  
Artie keeps climbing.  
strong PUSS /strong Uh boss, I don't think he's coming back and maybe it's for the best.  
He is not exactly king material.  
Shrek looks towards Artie.  
strong DONKEY /strong When were you planning on telling him that you were really supposed to be King?  
strong SHREK /strong Oh c'mon, now why would I do that?  
Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me.  
Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek.  
strong DONKEY /strong Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then you're gonna have to change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with this kid.  
Beat.  
strong SHREK /strong You're right, Donkey.  
Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood.  
strong SHREK /strong What about this?  
Donkey shakes his head in disgust.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 61.  
strong DONKEY /strong Shrek!  
Shrek tosses the log.  
strong SHREK /strong Oh c'mon. It's just a joke.  
strong (LAUGHS)  
/strong Still...  
Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie.  
strong EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER /strong Artie marches up the mountain trail.  
Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic with the kid. He catches up to Artie.  
strong SHREK /strong Listen Artie...  
Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just keeps going.  
strong SHREK (CONT'D)  
/strong If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screaming is, yo, check out this kazing thazing bazaby.  
Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a cottage in the distance and heads toward it.  
strong SHREK /strong I mean, if it doesn't groove or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', just say, oh no you didn't, you know, you're gettin' on my last nerve. And then I'll know it's... then I'll know it's whack-  
Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch,  
striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 62.  
strong EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - CONTINUOUS /strong A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the door.  
strong ARTIE /strongstrong SOMEBODY HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED /strongstrong BY A MONSTER TRYING TO RELATE TO /strongstrong ME!  
/strong strong SHREK /strong Artie! Wait!  
Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp.  
strong ARTIE /strong C'mon! C'mon! Help! Help!  
Hello?  
Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old wizard's head is projected out. Donkey is terrified.  
strong DONKEY /strongstrong AHHHH!  
/strong strong WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN)  
/strong Greetings cosmic children of the universe, and welcome to my serenity circle!  
Shrek watches.  
strong WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN)  
/strong Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. And now prepare ...  
With a "FZZZZT" and a "BLOOP", the image disappears.  
The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out.  
strong MERLIN /strong I knew I should of gotten that warranty!  
Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and is promptly zapped in the head.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 63.  
strong MERLIN /strong AHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.  
strong ARTIE /strong Mr. Merlin?  
strong SHREK /strong You know this guy?  
strong ARTIE /strong Yeah. He was the school's magic teacher until he had his nervous breakdown.  
strong MERLIN /strong Uh, technically I was merely a victim of a level three fatigue,  
and at the request of my therapist and the school authorities, I have retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose.  
Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head.  
Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment.  
strong MERLIN /strong Now, can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage?  
strong SHREK /strong Uh, no.  
Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks.  
strong MERLIN /strong Sure you don't wanna try my famous rock au-gratin?  
Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding from eating rocks.  
strong MERLIN /strong It's organic!  
They both stare at him uncomfortably.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 64.  
strong SHREK /strong Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on the way in. What we need are directions back to Far Far Away.  
strong ARTIE /strong What's with the "we"? Who said I was going with you?  
strong SHREK /strong Oh, I did. Cause there's a lot of people counting on you so don't try and weasel out of it.  
strong ARTIE /strong If it's such a great job, why don't you do it?  
strong SHREK /strong Understand this kid, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out!  
strong ARTIE /strong Oh, so that was your "Mr. Nice Guy?"  
strong SHREK /strong I know, and I'm gonna miss him.  
strong ARTIE /strong You know what? Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone?  
strong SHREK /strong Oh, is that some kind of crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away before I kick it there.  
strong (TO MERLIN)  
/strong Now which way am I kicking?  
strong MERLIN /strong Oh, I could tell you. But since you're in the midst of self-  
destructive rage spiral it would be karmic-ly irresponsible.  
strong SHREK /strong Self-destructive ra...  
strong (TO MERLIN)  
/strong Look, are you gonna help us or not?  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 65.  
strong MERLIN /strong Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul.  
strong SHREK /strong Yeah, I don't think so.  
strong MERLIN /strong Look pal, it's either that or some primal scream therapy.  
Ahhhhhhhhhh!  
Shrek grabs Merlin's mouth and closes it.  
strong SHREK /strong Alright, alright... journey to the soul...  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - LATER /strong A fire blazes.  
Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares.  
strong MERLIN /strong Now all of you, look into the "Fire of Truth" and tell me what you see!  
Yah! Ha!  
(Wild war cry)  
Woo-looo-looo-looo!  
He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e.  
Rorschach inkblots).  
Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire.  
strong DONKEY /strong Ooo! Charades! Okay, I see a dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls.  
strong MERLIN /strong Okay. Monster, go for it.  
Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away.  
He covers his fear and changes the subject.  
strong SHREK /strong I see a rainbow pony.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 66.  
strong MERLIN /strong Excellent work!  
strong (THEN)  
/strong Now! The boy!  
strong ARTIE /strong This is lame.  
Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head.  
strong ARTIE /strong Ow!  
strong MERLIN /strong You're lame! Now just go for it.  
He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it.  
strong ARTIE /strong Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest.  
Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie's expression starts to change as he stays focused.  
strong MERLIN /strong Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it!  
strong ARTIE /strong Wait, the dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone?  
Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more worked up.  
strong ARTIE /strong It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It.. it's gonna fall!  
Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him,  
stunned.  
strong MERLIN /strong Whew, proper head case you are,  
aren't you? Really messed up.  
Whoa.  
Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 67.  
strong ARTIE /strong Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what?  
Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie.  
Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists.  
strong SHREK /strongstrong (CLEARS THROAT)  
/strong Look Artie...um-  
Just as he's about to get going, "That's What Friends Are For" starts playing loudly from Merlin's security device drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the shack where Merlin peeks out.  
strong MERLIN /strong (loud, over the music)  
Just thought I might help set the mood! Y'know for your big heart to heart chat!  
Everyone stares at him.  
He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It's quiet again.  
strong SHREK /strong I know what it's like to not feel ready for something.  
Artie looks at him.  
strong SHREK /strong Even ogres get scared...you know,  
once in a while.  
strong ARTIE /strong I know you want me to be king, but I can't. I'm not cut out for it and I never will be, alright?  
Shrek takes this in.  
strong ARTIE (CONT'D)  
/strong Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school the first chance he got and I never heard from him again.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 68.  
strong SHREK /strong My dad wasn't really the fatherly type either.  
strong ARTIE /strong Well, I doubt he was worse than mine.  
strong SHREK /strong Oh yeah? My father was an ogre.  
He tried to eat me.  
Artie looks at Shrek.  
strong SHREK /strong Now, I guess I should have seen it coming. He used to give me a bath in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth.  
Artie chuckles at this.  
strong ARTIE /strong Okay... I guess that's... pretty bad.  
Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire.  
strong SHREK /strong You know, it may be hard to believe what with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think that I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them.  
Artie looks up at Shrek.  
strong SHREK (CONT'D)  
/strong But after awhile, you learn to ignore the names that people call you and you just trust who you are.  
Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment.  
strong ARTIE /strong You know, you're okay, Shrek.  
He tosses the stick into the fire.  
strong ARTIE /strong You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 69.  
strong SHREK /strong Thanks Artie.  
strong ARTIE /strong The soap's because you stink.  
Really bad.  
strong SHREK /strong Yeah. I got that.  
The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the fire continues to burn.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong INT. SEWER CATACOMBS - CONTINUOUS /strong The Princesses, Fiona and the Queen are surrounded by darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs below the castle.  
They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading the way, holding a torch.  
strong CINDERELLA /strong Oh this place is filthy. I feel like a hobo.  
Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong I'm sorry but this just isn't working for me.  
Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up.  
strong SLEEPING BEAUTY /strong Everything's always about you,  
isn't it? It's not like your attitude is helping, Snow.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong Well maybe it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land.  
strong RAPUNZEL /strong You mean in that rigged election?  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong Oh, give me a break.  
(gesturing toward hair)  
strong (MORE)  
/strong Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 70.  
SNOW WHITE (cont'd)  
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden extensions!"  
strong QUEEN /strong Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together.  
Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look.  
Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other Princesses follow.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stink hole until we rot.  
strong FIONA /strong No, we're gonna get inside and find out what Charming's up to.  
strong DORIS /strong I know he's a jerk and everything,  
but I gotta admit, that Charming makes me hotter than July.  
strong SLEEPING BEAUTY /strong Ew!  
strong RAPUNZEL /strong Ugh.  
Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for.  
strong FIONA /strong That's it!  
Fiona, the Queen and the Princesses run towards a long ladder and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard.  
strong EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS /strong They peer around a corner and see the construction of an outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower.  
The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by.  
Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the Princesses to follow her.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 71.  
strong RAPUNZEL /strong Come on, this way!  
strong FIONA /strong Rapunzel. Wait!  
Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the arm.  
strong FIONA /strong Charming, let go of her.  
A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them.  
Prince Charming smiles at Fiona.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong But why would I want to do that?  
strong RAPUNZEL /strong Grrrr!  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Woof!  
He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked.  
strong FIONA /strong What?  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Say hello ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away.  
Cinderella claps excitedly.  
strong CINDERELLA /strong Yaaaaaaaaay!  
The Princesses stare her down.  
strong FIONA /strong Rapunzel, how could you?  
strong RAPUNZEL /strong Jealous much?  
Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 72.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Soon you'll be back where you started... scrubbing floors or locked away in towers; that is, if I let you last the week.  
strong RAPUNZEL /strong But Pooky, you promised you wouldn't hurt them!  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Not here, "kitten whiskers." Daddy will discuss it later. Now forgive us, we have a show to put on.  
strong FIONA /strong Shrek will be back soon Charming,  
and you'll be sorry.  
He stops and flashes a sadistic smile.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Sorry? Don't you realize -once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away he's doomed?  
Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat.  
The guards march them off.  
Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell.  
Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY - DAY /strong Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head,  
looking around. He realizes it's morning.  
Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly,  
the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off.  
Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up everyone.  
The trees start to advance toward Shrek.  
The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 73.  
strong ARTIE /strong Ow!  
The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally wakes up.  
strong DONKEY /strong Ahhh!  
The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano.  
The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns away from his keys and faces them.  
strong DONKEY /strong Look out! They've got a piano!  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong Kill `em all. Except the fat one.  
He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic.  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre.  
Shrek is perplexed.  
strong SHREK /strong "King Charming?"  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong Attack!  
Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches.  
strong PIRATES /strongstrong AAAARGH!  
/strong One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground.  
The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the side.  
One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie.  
strong SHREK /strong Artie, Duck!  
Shrek pushes Artie's head down and the sword narrowly misses him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts Artie above his head.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 74.  
Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look.  
A pirate charges Donkey.  
strong DONKEY /strong Ahhh!  
Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate,  
protecting Donkey.  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong Ha-ha! Argh!  
strong PIRATES /strong Argh! Argh!  
The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and rudely elbows Merlin out of the way.  
A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The pirate bounces off Shrek's belly.  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong Ready the plank!  
A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift "plank." The pirates back Shrek onto the plank.  
Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the lid on him.  
Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains.  
Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss,  
Donkey and Artie up in a net.  
The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut through the netting.  
The cannon fuse is lit.  
Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the chest still stuck to his behind.  
strong DONKEY /strong Shrek!  
strong ARTIE /strong Help!  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 75.  
Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest.  
He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second,  
Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction.  
The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook's piano, blowing it into pieces.  
Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates take off running.  
Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes his hook in the air.  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong Ya cowards!  
strong SHREK /strong What has Charming done with Fiona?  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong She's gonna get what's coming to her.  
He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away with the rest of the Villains.  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong Ahhh.  
strong (YELLING BACK)  
/strong And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him!  
TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to him now.  
Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek.  
strong PUSS /strong We've got to save her!  
strong DONKEY /strong But she's so far far away!  
Shrek thinks for a moment.  
strong SHREK /strong Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 76.  
strong ARTIE /strong No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I've got an idea.  
strong EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - CONTINUOUS /strong Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie approaches him.  
strong MERLIN /strongstrong (CHANTING)  
/strong I'm a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz,  
buzz...  
strong ARTIE /strong Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to get them...I mean, us, back to Far Far Away.  
Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his eye at Artie.  
strong MERLIN /strongstrong (GETTING UP)  
/strong Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore, kid. How about a hug instead? Hmm? That's the best kind of magic.  
Artie tries a new approach.  
strong ARTIE /strong Mr. Merlin please. I know you can strong DO IT-  
/strong strong MERLIN /strong I said, forget it!  
strong ARTIE /strongstrong BUT-  
/strong Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his breath.  
strong MERLIN (CONT'D)  
/strong Mumble, grumble, interrupt my healing. Mumble, mumble.  
Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts to sob. Merlin stops and turns around.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 77.  
strong MERLIN /strong Oh. What, what's with you?  
Artie continues to cry.  
strong ARTIE /strong It's just so hard. You know? They really need to get back `cause their kingdom's in trouble `cause there's a really bad man and it's just so hard...  
Merlin is visibly uncomfortable.  
strong MERLIN /strong C'mon, take it easy.  
Artie's blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable.  
strong ARTIE /strong No! I don't think you understand!  
There's a mean person doing mean things to good people-  
strong SHREK /strong Oh, have a heart old man!  
Artie grabs him, now desperate.  
strong ARTIE /strong And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them?  
strong MERLIN /strong Oh.  
Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line.  
Merlin is stunned. He doesn't know what to do.  
strong MERLIN /strong Uh, Okay... I'll go and get my things.  
Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers.  
Shrek is impressed.  
strong ARTIE /strong Piece of cake.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 78.  
strong SHREK /strong Well, well, well. You want some eggs with that ham?  
Shrek smiles.  
Merlin returns holding a spell book.  
strong MERLIN /strong Now, I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects.  
strong DONKEY /strong Side effects!?  
strong MERLIN /strong Don't worry, whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be, it'll wear off eventually... I think.  
Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey.  
strong DONKEY /strong Ah!  
strong MERLIN /strong Oops.  
Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look.  
strong DONKEY /strong Are you sure this is a good idea?  
strong SHREK /strong Look, if Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't quite cover his-  
strong MERLIN /strong Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy zoom zoom. Let's help our friends get back, um... soon!  
Magic rays shoot out of Merlin's fingers. Shrek, Puss,  
Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke.  
strong MERLIN /strong Woah! It worked!  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 79.  
strong EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS /strong They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree.  
strong DONKEY /strong (moan and groan)  
Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over.  
strong DONKEY (CONT'D)  
/strong (in Puss' body)  
Oh man, I haven't been on a trip like that since college.  
strong SHREK /strong Donkey?  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
What? Is there something in my teeth?  
Donkey's eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of Puss' body.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
Huh? What the?  
strong (GASP)  
/strong Oh no!  
Donkey (in Puss' body) grabs Puss' hat. He looks down at Puss' boots. His tail begins to twitch.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
I've been abracadabra'd into a fancy feasting second rate sidekick.  
Puss (in Donkey's body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in Puss' body).  
strong PUSS /strong (in Donkey's body)  
At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside piñata.  
You really should think about going on a diet!  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 80.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
Yeah, and you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants!  
I feel all exposed and nasty.  
Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted to their faces. They burst out laughing.  
Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
Oh, so you two think this is funny?  
Puss is fuming.  
Shrek and Artie regain their composure.  
strong ARTIE /strongstrong (SNICKERS)  
/strong I'm really sorry guys.  
strong SHREK /strong Don't be! You got us back kid.  
Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of them. He turns back to Artie.  
Artie smiles.  
Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss' body.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the Hans Christian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots?  
strong PUSS /strong Be very careful with those - HEE strong HAW!  
/strong Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover.  
strong PUSS /strong They were made in Madrid by the finest- HEE HAW!  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 81.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
Oh, you'll learn to control that.  
strong TIME CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY - AFTERNOON /strong Shrek, Puss (in Donkey's body), and Artie rush past a welcome sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads "Go Go Away."  
Donkey (in Puss' body) struggles to walk. His tender new feet hurt in their tiny boots.  
strong DONKEY /strong Seriously man, you need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something.  
(noticing Rodeo Drive)  
Woah!  
Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti everywhere.  
Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down Rodeo Drive.  
strong EVIL WITCHES /strong Woohoo!  
The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the street.  
Shrek is shocked by what he sees.  
A crash is heard off-screen.  
strong EVIL DWARF #1 /strong Hey... watch it I'm walking here...  
and I'm gonna keep going...  
A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf.  
A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with Pinocchio dancing in it.  
strong SHREK /strong Pinocchio?  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 82.  
strong PINOCCHIO /strong Shrek!  
Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass.  
strong SHREK /strong Pinocchio!  
strong PINOCCHIO /strong Help me!  
strong SHREK /strong What's happened?  
strong PINOCCHIO /strong Charming and the Villains have taken over everything! They attacked us but Fiona and the Princesses got away. And now she's-  
strong -  
/strong The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain goes down.  
strong SHREK /strong She's what?! She's what!?  
Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it costs per show.  
strong SHREK /strong (turns to Puss in Donkey's strong BODY)  
/strong Puss, loan me five bucks!  
strong DONKEY /strong C'mon Puss, you heard the man, help a brother out.  
strong PUSS /strong (in Donkey's body)  
Do you see any pockets on me?  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
Hold on a second.  
Donkey (in Puss' body) removes his boot, he turns it over and a bag of money falls onto the ground.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 83.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
Aha!  
Donkey (in Puss' body) tosses the money to Shrek.  
strong PUSS /strong (in Donkey's body)  
I had no idea ...really ...I swear.  
Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances.  
strong SHREK /strong Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona?  
strong PINOCCHIO /strong Charming's got her locked away some place secret. You gotta find him!  
He's probably getting ready for the strong SHOWWWW-  
/strong The curtain goes down again.  
strong SHREK /strong Wait, wait, wait! Pinocchio! What show?  
Pinocchio's hand comes out from under the curtain and points to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud.  
strong PUSS /strong (reading the poster)  
It's A Happily Ever After, After All!  
strong SHREK /strong Shrek's final performance.  
The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the ground.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
Whoa, Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play.  
strong SHREK /strong Well I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it!  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 84.  
strong GUARD #1 (O.S.)  
/strong It's the ogre! Get him!  
Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming's royal knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the alley. Puss (in Donkey's body) steps forward.  
strong PUSS /strong (in Donkey's body)  
Don't worry, Jefe. I got this.  
He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are large and sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they're staring at a donkey.  
The guards recoil.  
strong GUARD #2 /strong Ugh! Kill it!  
Puss (in Donkey's body) immediately retreats.  
Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps forward, confronting the guards.  
strong ARTIE /strong Look, don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you?  
Shrek picks up on his plan.  
strong SHREK /strong Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs.  
The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the poster off the wall.  
strong ARTIE /strong He's a star people! Hello?! I'm so sorry about this Mr. Shrek.  
strong SHREK /strong I'm gonna lose it!  
strong ARTIE /strong I assume you have everything ready for tonight! You did get the list for the dressing room?  
Donkey marches in.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 85.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna.  
Oh, and please tell me you at least have the saffron corn with the jalapeno honey butter cause our client cannot get into his proper emotional state without his jalapeno honey butter.  
strong SHREK /strong I just lost it!  
strong GUARD #1 /strong Uh...Maybe they should talk to Nancy in Human Resources.  
Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the castle.  
strong PUSS /strong (in Donkey's body)  
Oh, we'll have much to say to Nancy, I promise!  
The guards look at each other nervously.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong INT. COURTYARD STAGE - DAY /strong A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance number.  
Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth in the rear of the stage.  
The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to a Shrek stand in.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong (reading his lines from a strong SCRIPT)  
/strong With this sword, I do- No.  
He starts the line over.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong With this sword, I do smote thee!  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 86.  
Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who falls to the ground.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strongstrong (TO HIMSELF) )  
/strong Is that the right word? "Smote?"  
"Smooote." Is that even a word actually? Maybe I should just smite him.  
Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Let's try this again. Now...  
Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside Prince Charming.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong (playing the scene out strong QUIETLY)  
/strong Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be afraid.  
(he fake screams)  
Ooh!  
Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and chuckles.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong I say...  
(he riffles through pages)  
"Finally the Kingdom will get the happily ever after they deserve,  
die Ogre", blah, blah, blah...  
Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground.  
Prince Charming is still frustrated.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Oh! It just doesn't feel real enough yet!  
He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the dancing villains who are staring at him.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Who told you to stop dancing?!  
strong CYCLOPS /strong Uh... Wink and turn, wink and turn.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 87.  
He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong And what are you laying around for?  
Get up! Honestly.  
Prince Charming storms off.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong INT. CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER /strong Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles.  
Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Our happily ever after is nearly complete, mummy. And I assure you,  
the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second we've had to wait.  
Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along side him.  
Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek.  
strong SHREK /strong Break a leg. Or, on second thought, let me break it for you.  
He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his dressing table.  
Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button under the counter.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Thank goodness you're here. I was beginning to think you might not make it back in... time.  
Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 88.  
strong SHREK /strong Where's Fiona?  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Don't worry. She and the others are safe. For now.  
Shrek strengthens his grip.  
Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey.  
strong ARTIE /strong Ow.  
Prince Charming smiles.  
Shrek looks around and realizes he's beat. He drops Charming with a thud.  
Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround Shrek.  
Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across his face.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Let me guess... Arthur?  
Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up.  
strong ARTIE /strong It's Artie, actually.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away?  
Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to Artie's neck.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong How pathetic! Now, stand still so I won't make a mess.  
Shrek steps in.  
strong SHREK /strong Charming, stop! I'm here now, you got what you wanted. This isn't about him.  
Artie is confused.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 89.  
strong ARTIE /strong Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be King, right?  
Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself.  
strong SHREK /strong You weren't really next in line for the throne, okay? I was.  
strong ARTIE /strong But you said the King asked for me personally.  
strong SHREK /strong Not exactly.  
strong ARTIE /strong What's that supposed to mean?  
Shrek becomes defensive.  
strong SHREK /strong Look, I said whatever I had to say,  
alright! I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill.  
So just go!  
Artie is stunned.  
strong ARTIE /strong You were playing me the whole time.  
Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more.  
strong SHREK /strong You catch on real fast kid... Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought.  
Puss (in Donkey's body) is about to interject when Donkey (in Puss' body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet.  
strong ARTIE /strong You know, for a minute there, I actually thought you -  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect?  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 90.  
Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He stares at Shrek one last time and heads out.  
Shrek lowers his head in shame.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong You really do have a way with children, Shrek.  
Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off.  
strong INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM:  
/strong Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway.  
strong EXT. CASTLE GATE:  
/strong The scene cross-dissolves to Artie's back as he walks away from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily storms away.  
strong INT. DUNGEON:  
/strong Shrek's ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his chains. He sadly looks out the cell window.  
strong INT. PRISON:  
/strong The scene cross-disolves to another prison window. Fiona comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares sorrowfully at the castle in the distance.  
strong INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL - DAY /strong All of the Princesses, the Queen and Fiona are locked up in the same prison cell.  
Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a shine.  
Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong Had we just stayed put like I suggested, we could be sipping tea out of little heart-shaped cups...  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 91.  
strong CINDERELLA /strong Yeah... yeah, heart shaped cups.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong Eating crumpets smothered with loganberries.  
strong CINDERELLA /strong Yeah... loganberries.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong Shut up Cindy.  
strong CINDERELLA /strong Yeah, shut up.  
Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor.  
strong CINDERELLA (REFLECTION)  
/strong No! You shut up!  
strong CINDERELLA /strong Just stay out of this!  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong Who cares who's running the kingdom anyway?  
strong FIONA /strong I care.  
Fiona steps forward and challenges them.  
strong QUEEN /strong And you should all care too.  
Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind them.  
strong PUSS /strong (in Donkey's body)  
Hey, hey, hey, hey.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
Yeah, and I have your badge number,  
strong "TIN CAN-"  
/strong Puss, in Donkey's body, hisses and arches his back like a cat.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 92.  
strong FIONA (O.S.)  
/strong Donkey?!  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
Princess?!  
strong FIONA /strong Puss?!  
strong PUSS /strong (in Donkey's body)  
Lo siento, Princessa, but I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
And I'm me!  
strong FIONA /strongstrong BUT YOU'RE-  
/strong strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
I know, I know. Everything's a little fruity in the loops right now. But what happened is, we went to high school, the boat crashed,  
and we got "bippity-bopity-booped"  
by the "Magic Man."  
strong DORIS /strong You poor sweet things.  
strong CINDERELLA /strong I don't get it.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get?  
strong SLEEPING BEAUTY /strongstrong (WAKING UP)  
/strong Huh? Who dat?  
strong FIONA /strong Where's Shrek?  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 93.  
strong DONKEY /strong Charming's got him, Princess. And he plans on killing Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom.  
Fiona's lets out a breath.  
strong FIONA /strong Alright everyone, we need to find a way out, now.  
The Princesses nod in agreement.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong You're right.  
(to the other Princesses)  
Ladies, assume the position!  
Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips.  
Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs.  
strong FIONA /strong What are you doing?  
strong SLEEPING BEAUTY /strong Waiting to be rescued.  
strong FIONA /strong You have got to be kidding me.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong Well, what do you expect us to do?  
We're just four...  
strong (NOTICES DORIS)  
/strong I mean, three, super hot princesses, two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady.  
The Queen smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses.  
strong QUEEN /strong Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming through.  
She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and lets out a yell.  
strong QUEEN /strong Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah!  
She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona and the Princesses are impressed.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 94.  
strong PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY /strong Whoa.  
strong FIONA /strong Mom!?  
strong QUEEN /strong Well, you didn't actually think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you?  
Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses.  
Snow White points to another wall behind them.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong Excuse me, I think there's still one more.  
The Queen turns and sees the another wall barring their way.  
strong QUEEN /strong Hmmmm.  
The Queen hurries to the other wall.  
strong QUEEN /strong Hiiiiyah!  
It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince.  
Fiona approaches her mother.  
The Queen turns around, this time a little woozy, singing softly to herself.  
strong FIONA /strong Why don't you just lie down?  
The Queen continues to sing to herself as she walks away.  
Fiona turns to the others.  
strong FIONA /strong Okay girls, from here on out, we're gonna take care of business ourselves.  
Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other Princesses. They nod.  
Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a Dopey tattoo.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 95.  
Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress.  
The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a football player).  
Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper.  
Doris burns her bra.  
The Princesses place their hands over Fiona's. Puss and Donkey's hands come in last.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS /strong Captain Hook replaces his "hook" appendage with a "baton" and taps it on the score in front of him.  
strong ANNOUNCER /strong Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far Away Theatre at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All."  
The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All - Starring Prince Charming as himself."  
Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills and are using spears to usher people into their seats.  
strong EVIL KNIGHT #1 /strong Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen! Oy! No food or beverages in the theatre! Hey!  
The orchestra begins to warm up.  
strong EXT. STAGE /strong The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the stage to backstage.  
strong INT. BENEATH THE STAGE - NIGHT /strong SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man.  
Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains attached to the floor.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 96.  
He pulls the chains tight.  
strong SHREK /strong Oww, easy.  
strong CYCLOPS /strong Sorry. I guess I was just showing off for the little one.  
strong SHREK /strong Huh?  
strong CYCLOPS /strong It's "Bring your kids to work day."  
C'mere beautiful.  
Cyclops motions to the shadows.  
CYCLOPS' DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like Cyclops with long hair and skirt.  
Shrek recoils.  
strong SHREK /strong Well... she's got your eye.  
Cyclops picks her up and embraces her.  
strong CYCLOPS /strong Who woulda thought a monster like me deserves something as special as you?  
They touch foreheads affectionately.  
Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined look on his face.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. CASTLE GARDENS /strong The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow White stops in front of them, singing our version of: "Animal Friends/With A Smile."  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 97.  
strong SNOW WHITE (O.S.)  
/strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "Ahh ha ha ha ha haa."  
The birds answer her in song.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "Ahh ha ha ha haa."  
The birds answer again.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "Ha ha ha ha haaaa.  
Little birdies take wing,  
flitting down from the trees they appear, and to chirp in my ear."  
All the forest creatures flock to her.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "All because I sing.  
Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa."  
More forest creatures flock to Snow White.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa."  
The Evil Trees stare in amazement.  
strong SNOW WHITE /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!"  
Suddenly Snow White's face changes. She transitions into Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song."  
strong SNOW WHITE /strong Ahhaha! Ahhaha!  
All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the Princesses charge forward.  
strong FIONA /strong Move it! Go! Go! Go!  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 98.  
strong EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO - CONTINUOUS /strong Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) run through front gates of the Far Far Away Zoo.  
The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss'  
body) busts open their cage.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
My babies!  
The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey's body) and hug him.  
strong PUSS /strong (in Donkey's body)  
Help! Ow!  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
Hey!  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. CASTLE GARDENS - CONTINUOUS /strong The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through the lock to open the gates.  
As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body.  
Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and over the castle wall.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS /strong Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) break Pinocchio out of his marionette theatre.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 99.  
strong EXT. BAKERY - MOMENTS LATER /strong Gingerbread Man is locked inside a bakery display case.  
Donkey and Puss arrive (in each other's bodies). Donkey (in Puss' body) awkwardly tries to cut the glass open with his claws. Puss (in Donkey's body) intervenes, quickly bashing a hoof through the glass. They pull Gingerbread Man out of the case.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS /strong Fiona leads the Princesses and Queen, as they stealthily creep along the rooftop.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS /strong Fiona peers around a corner and sees two guards blocking their path. She gets an idea.  
The Guards turn around to find a leg sticking out. They "ooh" and "aah" as they approach the leg. The camera pans up to reveal Doris.  
strong DORIS /strong Hey. How's it going?  
She kicks the guards to the ground, and they take off running.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. FAR, FAR AWAY CASTLE- LATER /strong Donkey, Puss, (still in each other's bodies) and the rescued Fairy Tale Creatures run toward the castle.  
Donkey and Puss peek out from behind a bush.  
strong PUSS /strong (in Donkey's body)  
"O" to the "K." The coast has cleared.  
Donkey turns to address the Fairy Tale Creatures behind him.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 100.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
All right people, let's do this thing! Go Team Dy-No-Mite!  
strong PINOCCHIO /strong I thought we agreed we would go by the name of "Team Super Cool."  
strong GINGERBREAD MAN /strong As I recall it was "Team Awesome."  
strong WOLF /strong I voted for "Team Alpha Wolf Squadron."  
strong DONKEY /strong Alright! Alright! Alright! From henceforth we are to be known as "Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynomite Wolf Squadron."  
The Three Pigs notice something.  
strong PIG #1 /strong Ach to Lieber! There is some strange little girl over there staring at us!  
Donkey, in Puss' body, turns to look. Artie is staring at the strange crew.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
Artie!  
Artie turns and walks away. Puss, in Donkey's body, runs to stop him.  
strong PUSS /strong (in Donkey's body)  
Wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Hey!  
Where is the fire, Senor?  
Artie pushes Puss (in Donkey's body) out of the way.  
strong ARTIE /strong Oh please, don't act so innocent.  
You both knew what was going on the whole time and you kept it to yourself.  
Artie starts to storm away.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 101.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
Artie, it's not like it seems.  
strong ARTIE /strong It's not? I think it seems pretty clear. He was using me. That's all there is to it.  
Artie starts to walk off.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
Using you? Man, you really don't get it!  
strong PUSS /strong (in Donkey's body)  
Shrek only said those things to protect you!  
This stops Artie in his tracks.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
Charming was going to kill you Artie. Shrek saved your life.  
Artie realizes the truth and is suddenly concerned for his friend.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. COURTYARD STAGE /strong The lights dim.  
The curtain rises.  
strong INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS /strong Rumplestiltskin orders for the spotlight.  
strong RUMPLESTILTSKIN /strong Cue the spot!  
strong EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS /strong A spotlight comes up on Rapunzel, singing in a tower while the Fairy-tale Villains play their roles below.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 102.  
strong RAPUNZEL /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "I wait alone up here.  
I'm trapped another day.  
Locked up here - please set me free.  
My new life I almost see,  
A castle, you and me.  
Yes, a castle you and me..."  
Audience members look at each other in confusion; is this crap for real?  
Raul, the make-up artist, cries in the audience.  
From the audience a knight holds up a candle.  
Up in the rafters, Rumplestiltskin cues the Cherubs.  
strong RUMPLESTILTSKIN /strong Cherubs!  
The Cherubs (Evil Dwarves) are lowered onto the stage by a rope and pulley system.  
A spotlight appears on stage. From underneath the stage a clamshell rises and opens to reveal Prince Charming on horseback.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "Tis I! Tis I!  
Upon my regal steed!  
Princess, my love,  
at last you shall be freed!"  
The Cherubs drop rose petals onto Prince Charming and the clamshell. Prince Charming and his steed, Chauncey, jump out of the clamshell.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "I'm strong and brave,  
and dashing my way there!  
With speed! With might!  
With soft and bouncy hair!"  
Prince Charming begins to make his way over to the tower.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "Through the blistering desert..."  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 103.  
Prince Charming chops the head off of the flying griffin puppet.  
strong EVIL TREES /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "Hot!"  
Prince Charming dismounts, casually chops the head off of the sea serpent and crosses the sea.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "Across the stormiest sea."  
strong EVIL DWARFS /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "Wet!"  
He makes his way to dry land. He weaves in and out of the Evil Trees, who are playing the part of a forest.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "Facing creatures so vile!"  
strong FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "Foul!"  
He casually cuts off the head of a wooden cut-out reindeer and shoves a villain in a bear costume out of the way.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "So you can gaze upon me!"  
Prince Charming has made his way up the stairs at the bottom of Rapunzel's tower.  
strong RAPUNZEL /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "I knew you'd come for me.  
And now we finally meet."  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "I knew you'd wait.  
And from my plate of love you'd eat."  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 104.  
There is a loud flash and a loud growling is piped through the sound system and flares go off as a trap door opens in the stage floor. Prince Charming hams it up for the audience, putting his hand to his ear.  
strong INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS /strong Rumplestiltskin cues Mabel.  
Mabel is growling through a megaphone backstage.  
strong MABEL /strong Roar! Roar!  
Three Evil Witches turn a lever and an Evil Dwarf blows some steam with a billow.  
strong EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS /strong A large, imposing shadow grows onstage. The silhouette fades, revealing a shackled Shrek on stage. He pulls at his chains as he notes the audience and views the spectacle before him.  
strong INT. AUDIENCE - CONTINUOUS /strong A crowd of fans, with "SHREK" written on their stomachs,  
cheer. One of the fans is hit with an arrow. They promptly sit down.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "Who is this terrible ugly fiend who so rudely intervened?"  
Pirates and Evil Knights dance in from the wings.  
strong FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "Will Charming fight? Or will he flee?"  
strong RAPUNZEL /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "Oh please, rescue me!"  
strong FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "From this monstrosity!"  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 105.  
Prince Charming takes a dramatic pause and sings in an ultra-  
high voice of a castrato.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "Fear thee not Honey Lamb!  
I will slice this thing up like a strong HAM!"  
/strong strong SHREK /strong Oh boy.  
Prince Charming relishes the moment, pulling out his sword and aiming it at Shrek's chest. Prince Charming's voice climbs even higher.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong You are about to enter a world of pain with which you are strong NOT-  
/strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "FamiliaAAAAAAR!"  
He holds the last, highest note. Shrek winces. Goblets, eye glasses, a glass tiara and glass pearls all break in the audience.  
Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks at him with contempt.  
strong SHREK /strong Well it can't be anymore painful than the lousy performance you're giving.  
The audience laughs at Shrek's remark. Prince Charming is thrown by their reaction.  
From a trap door underneath the stage Rumplestiltskin tries to help Prince Charming out by feeding him his next line.  
strong RUMPLESTILTSKIN /strong "Prepare foul beast."  
He clears his throat and tries to get back into character.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strongstrong (SINGING)  
/strong "Prepare foul beast, your time is done."  
strong SHREK /strong Oooh, if you don't mind could you kill me, and then sing?  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 106.  
The audience laughs. Prince Charming gets in Shrek's face.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Be quiet!  
strong SHREK /strong Oh, come on, I'm just havin' fun with ya. That's actually a very nice leotard.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Thank you.  
strong SHREK /strong Do they come in men's sizes?  
The audience laughs again.  
strong HOOK /strong He, he. Now that be funny.  
The crowd laughs again. Shrek smiles, enjoying how he's screwing up the show. Prince Charming is furious.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strongstrong ENOUGH!  
/strong The crowd falls silent.  
Prince Charming turns back to Shrek.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Now you'll finally know what it's like to have everything you've worked for, everything that's precious to you taken away.  
Prince Charming raises his sword.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D)  
/strong Now you'll know how I felt.  
Suddenly a fireball hits the blade, melting it.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Ahhhhh!  
Another huge fireball spreads across the sky as Dragon flies above the theater. The Dronkeys follow behind her.  
strong DRAGON /strong Roar!  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 107.  
The Three Pigs come running down the aisle.  
strong PIG #1 /strong Sausage Roll!  
The Three Pigs leap onto the stage, going into a drop and roll move to land in between Shrek and Prince Charming. They strike a fighting pose.  
Pinocchio comes flying in on his strings, landing with a flurry of kung-fu hands.  
The Wolf unzips the wolf costume, steps out and joins the others.  
strong WOLF /strong Arg.  
Gingerbread Man pops up in the tower window, grabs Rapunzel's hair and swings down. Before he hits the ground, the end catches and he bounces like a bungee jumper. Her hair falls into a pile next to a very surprised Gingerbread Man.  
Rapunzel screams. Her mousy brown hair crammed under a hair net. She runs off crying.  
Prince Charming looks around, almost surrounded.  
Suddenly a shadow falls over the crowd and they gasp. Dragon and the Dronkeys fly in and land on the stage.  
Puss and Donkey leap off her back to the stage.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss's body)  
Pray for mercy from...  
strong PUSS /strong (in Donkey's body)  
...Puss!  
He claps his hooves on the stage.  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
And Donkey!  
He carves a letter "D" on Pinocchio's bottom.  
strong PINOCCHIO /strong (re: his bottom)  
Hey.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 108.  
The Queen head-butts through one of the backdrops, with Sleeping Beauty and Doris. Snow White flies in behind them with the help of her woodland creatures ("Crouching Tiger,  
Hidden Dragon" style). Cinderella runs on stage equipped with a mop as her weapon. Together, the Princesses strike fierce poses and stand next to Shrek.  
The audience applauds.  
Suddenly the front door of the "swamp house" set crashes to the floor, revealing Fiona.  
strong FIONA /strong Hi honey! Sorry we're late. You okay?  
strong SHREK /strong Much better, now that you're here.  
strong AUDIENCE /strong Awwwwwww!  
The audience applauds. Shrek turns to Prince Charming raising his shackled wrists.  
strong SHREK /strong So Charming, you wanna let me out of these so we can settle this ogre to man?  
Prince Charming considers this for a second.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Oooh, that sounds fun. But I have a better idea!  
Prince Charming strikes an imperious pose and claps his hands. Cyclops suddenly emerges from the trap door, knocking Puss and Donkey down. He approaches them menacingly.  
The witches fly in and threaten the princesses with their brooms. The Evil Queen rises up behind the Queen and puts a knife to her throat.  
The Evil Dwarves grab The Three Pigs. Gingerbread Man is suddenly surrounded by many Evil Knights. He poops out a gum-  
ball.  
Dragon starts to move forward only to find herself surrounded by crossbows. A bunch of pirates grab Fiona and tie her up.  
strong SHREK /strong Fiona!  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 109.  
strong FIONA /strong No! Let go of me!  
Shrek struggles to free himself of the chains, but it's no use.  
Prince Charming's eyes narrow.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong You will not ruin things this time ogre.  
strong (TO VILLAINS)  
/strong Kill it!  
Prince Charming signals to the villains to attack Shrek. As the villains advance towards Shrek, a spotlight shines in their eyes, stopping them in their tracks.  
strong ARTIE /strong Everybody stop!  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strongstrong (EXASPERATED)  
/strong Oh, what is it now?  
strong SHREK /strong Artie?  
Artie jumps from the spotlight.  
Artie lands clumsily on a hanging cloud.  
Artie leaps awkwardly from cloud to cloud. The audience stares in awe.  
After one last leap, he swings down on the Cherub's cable,  
sending the little person up in the air.  
Artie lands on the stage in between the Villains and Shrek.  
He stands facing the Villains.  
strong ARTIE /strong Who really thinks we need to settle things this way?  
The Evil Knights think about it and raise their hands. The other Villains follow suit.  
strong ARTIE /strong You're telling me you just want to be Villains your whole lives?  
This gives the Villains pause.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 110.  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong But we are Villains. It's the only thing we know.  
strong ARTIE /strong Didn't you ever wish you could be something else?  
The Villains aren't convinced.  
strong EVIL TREE #2 /strong Well, it's easy for you to say.  
You're not some evil enchanted tree.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong You morons! Don't listen to him!  
strong ATTACK THEM-  
/strong Another Evil Tree covers Prince Charming's mouth and then motions to Artie.  
strong EVIL TREE #1 /strong What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you.  
strong EVIL TREE #2 /strong Right, thanks Ed.  
strong ARTIE /strong Okay, fair enough. You're right.  
I'm not a talking tree. But, ya know, a good friend of mine once told me that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre...  
Artie shares a look with Shrek.  
strong ARTIE /strong ... or just some loser...  
The Fairy-tale Villains listen intently.  
strong ARTIE (CONT'D)  
/strong ...it doesn't mean you are one.  
The Evil Tree tightens his grip as Prince Charming struggles to break free.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 111.  
strong ARTIE (CONT'D)  
/strong The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself.  
Artie commands the stage.  
strong ARTIE (CONT'D)  
/strong If there's something you really want, or there's someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way ...is you.  
Artie points at Rumplestiltskin directly in front of him.  
Rumplestiltskin is alarmed.  
strong RUMPLESTILTSKIN /strong Me?  
strong OTHER PIRATES /strong Get `im lads!  
strong ARTIE /strong No, no, no! What I mean is: each of you is standing in your own way!  
strong VILLAINS /strong Oooooooh!  
The Headless Horseman breaks through the crowd.  
strong HEADLESS HORSEMAN /strong I've always wanted to play the flute.  
The Fairy-tale Villains and Creatures look at each other.  
The Evil Queen steps up.  
strong EVIL QUEEN /strong I`d like to open up a spa in France.  
The Villains nod in agreement.  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong I grow daffodils!  
Complete silence as everyone stares at Hook.  
strong CAPTAIN HOOK /strong And they're beautiful!  
Captain Hook looks thoughtfully at his sword, then throws it down.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 112.  
The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight holding Pinocchio is thinking about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands.  
Gingerbread Man high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied.  
Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw.  
Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground.  
Suddenly, Prince Charming kicks himself free of the Evil Tree and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it up, his aim set at Artie.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Aaaahhhh!  
Despite his fear, Artie faces Prince Charming bravely. As Prince Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break his chains. Just before Prince Charming strikes, a chain whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls Prince Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Furious,  
he charges Shrek and stabs him with the sword. Charming lets go and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him,  
and falls to the floor, groaning.  
Prince Charming beams, and laughs. He turns to the audience.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong A new era finally begins!  
The audience cowers.  
Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Now, all of you, bow before your king!  
Shrek casually rises up behind him and clears his throat.  
strong SHREK /strong Ah-hem.  
Charming turns around. Shrek lifts his arm revealing that he was never really stabbed.  
strong SHREK (CONT'D)  
/strong You need to work on your aim.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 113.  
Charming is stunned.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong This was supposed to be my happily ever after.  
Prince Charming is paralyzed. Shrek drops the sword and grabs him by the shirt-front, lifting him off of his feet.  
He winces, but is still defiant.  
strong SHREK /strong Well I guess you need to keep looking...  
Shrek looks at Fiona and at his friends and smiles.  
strong SHREK /strong ...cause I'm not giving up mine.  
Shrek sets Prince Charming down and signals DRAGON. She casually tips the tower over with her tail. A shadow falls over Prince Charming. He turns and sees the tower falling toward him, his body perfectly framed up in the princesses's window.  
strong PRINCE CHARMING /strong Mommy?  
It crashes down and he's trapped inside.  
As the dust clears, the crown rolls across the stage. Artie stops it with his foot and slowly picks it up.  
strong SHREK /strong It's yours if you want it, you know, but this time it's your choice.  
Artie considers it.  
He looks at Shrek, who is smiling proudly at him.  
Artie turns to the audience and holds out the crown to them.  
They cheer him.  
Artie places the crown on his head. The crowd goes nuts. In the audience, Raul sobs with joy.  
strong ALL /strong Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie!  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 114.  
Everybody cheers as the Fairy-tale Creatures and Villains put Artie up on their shoulders and carry him off. Donkey and Puss, still in each other's bodies, watch as Artie gets carried away.  
In a puff of smoke, Merlin suddenly appears. He looks around confused, clutching his show ticket.  
strong MERLIN /strong Uh, excuse me, that's my seat.  
Suddenly he is thrown back against the front of the stage as Donkey and Puss confront him.  
strong PUSS /strong (in Donkey's body)  
Okay, senor hocus-y pocus-y. The time has come to rectify some wrongs!  
strong DONKEY /strong (in Puss' body)  
Although I have been enjoying these "cat baths."  
strong PUSS /strong (in Donkey's body)  
Please say you didn't.  
strong MERLIN /strong Uh... alright, alright...look..  
Merlin rubs his hands together.  
strong MERLIN /strong You're gonna feel a little pinch,  
and possibly some lower intestinal discomfort, but this should do the trick.  
Merlin rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to make with the magic. He lets loose with a bright burst of magic. It takes a moment for Donkey and Puss to recover. They eye each other cautiously.  
strong PUSS /strong Are you..?  
Donkey lifts his hoof and inspects it carefully.  
strong DONKEY /strong I'm me again!  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 115.  
Puss checks out his own paws.  
strong PUSS /strong And I am not you!  
Donkey and Puss give each other a big hug.  
strong DONKEY /strong Alright!  
The two of them turn and walk away together.  
Merlin is behind them, smoking fingers and all. Suddenly his eyes grow wide.  
strong MERLIN /strong Oops. Ah, never mind.  
We see that Donkey still has Puss' tail and Puss had Donkey's. Merlin slips away.  
Shrek and Fiona watch Artie in the distance.  
strong SHREK /strong What'd I tell ya? I think the kid's going to be a great King.  
strong FIONA /strong Well, for what it's worth, you would have too.  
Shrek smiles, and touches Fiona's belly.  
strong SHREK /strong I have something much more important in mind.  
They kiss.  
The camera pulls back to see everyone celebrating around Shrek and Fiona as they kiss.  
strong DISSOLVE TO:  
/strong strong EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - MORNING /strong A wide-shot of a sunny morning in the swamp.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 116.  
strong INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS /strong Shrek grabs a "gourd" bottle and creates an ogre shake out of slug juice, eye balls and worms. He walk over to join Fiona by the fire.  
strong SHREK /strong Ah, finally.  
Shrek gives Fiona the "gourd" bottle and she places a nipple on it. Two ogre babies crawl up onto Fiona's lap.  
strong OGRE BABIES /strong Da da.  
A third ogre baby appears at Shrek's feet. He bends down to pick him up.  
One big happy family of five. Shrek laughs and gives the babies and Fiona a hug.  
The front door opens up to reveal Puss and Donkey.  
strong DONKEY /strong Hey! I smell Shrek Jr.  
The Dronkeys come swarming in behind Donkey. Dragon peers in through the door.  
Shrek with a safety pin in his mouth is doing his best at changing diapers. He twists the diaper around and the baby goes flying off screen and lands in a diaper that Fiona is holding. She smiles at Shrek.  
The swamp house is overrun with Dronkeys, ogre babies and dirty diapers.  
Puss sits next to an ogre baby that has a pacifier in his mouth. He takes the pacifier out of his mouth, shoves it in Puss' mouth and gives Puss a big hug. Another baby comes crawling into frame and starts to tug on Puss' tail. A tug of war ensues.  
The ogre babies are bathing in a pot of water (a la a beat from the Nightmare scene). One of the babies farts in the water as Shrek comes in and scoops them up. Shrek laughs.  
Donkey is playing "peek-a-boo" with his ears. A baby ogre laughs.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 117.  
strong DONKEY /strong Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo.  
A baby ogre pulls ear wax from Shrek's ear. The baby uses the wax to draw squiggly lines on a piece of paper.  
strong QUEEN /strong Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy boy.  
The Queen is bouncing a baby ogre on her lap. The baby pukes and the Queen smiles.  
There is a knock at the door. Donkey is laying on the floor holding a bottle with all four hooves, drinking the milk.  
Shrek grabs the bottle out of Donkey's mouth.  
strong DONKEY /strong Hey.  
Shrek opens the front door to reveal the Dwarf.  
strong NANNY DWARF /strong Where's the baby?  
Shrek puts a bottle into the Dwarf's mouth and slams the door.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - DAY /strong Fiona slides one of the babies down a "slip `n slide" made out of mud shot from geysers. Shrek slides down himself.  
The babies scramble out of the way as Shrek slides by,  
spraying mud everywhere.  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong INT. SWAMP HOUSE - EVENING /strong Shrek and Fiona are diapering two of the babies in perfect unison. They continue diapering, Fiona holds up the third baby and Shrek holds up an unhappy, diapered Puss.  
Shrek grabs a gourd bottle off of a shelf. He tosses it to Fiona.  
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 118.  
Fiona stands holding one baby over her shoulder. She catches the gourd thrown to her, twirls it around (a la Tom Cruise in Cocktail), lifts up her leg where another baby is perched on her foot and puts the gourd in the baby's mouth.  
Shrek is burping a baby over his shoulder. The baby burps.  
Fiona has a baby over her shoulder and the baby burps. A Dronkey sitting on a chair does a flame-belch and an ogre baby crawling by farts which causes a flame thrower effect into the fireplace.  
Shrek and Fiona tuck all the babies into bed.  
strong SHREK /strong Well, what shall we do now?  
strong CUT TO:  
/strong strong INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT /strong Shrek and Fiona are sound asleep, snoring.  
strong DISSOLVE TO:  
/strong strong EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS /strong A baby starts to cry.  
strong SHREK /strongstrong (SIGHS)  
/strong I got it.  
The camera trucks out.  
strong THE END/strong/pre 


	5. A Dreadful Star

Once upon a time, a long time ago, a king and queen had a beautiful daughter named Fiona. But she was possessed by a terrible curse. By day, a lovely princess. By night, a hideous ogre. Only true love's kiss could lift her curse. So Fiona waited in a tower, guarded by a dragon, until the day when her true love would arrive. But as the days turned into years, the King and Queen were forced to resort to more desperate measures. Whoa, there. I don't know about this, Lillian. Fairy Godmother said only true love's kiss could break Fiona's curse. I don't trust that woman, Harold. This may be our last hope. Besides, he does come highly recommended by King Midas. But to put our daughter's life in the hands of this... person? He's devious. He's deceitful. He's, he's... Rumpelstiltskin! Mrs. Highness. How do you do? Down, Fifi. Get down! As you can see, everything's in order. So you'll put an end to our daughter's curse? And, in return, you sign the kingdom of Far Far Away over to me. - Lillian, this is madness! - What choice do we have? Fiona has been locked away in that tower far too long. It's not like she's getting any younger. But to sign over our entire kingdom? Well, if your kingdom's worth more to you than your daughter... Nothing is worth more to us than our daughter. Jump, Fifi, jump! Just sign it and all your problems will disappear. Your Highness! The Princess! She's been saved! Who saved her? No one would have guessed that an ogre named Shrek, whose roar was feared throughout the land, would save the beautiful Princess Fiona. True love's kiss led to marriage and ogre babies! The kingdom of Far Far Away was finally at peace. Goody for them! And they lived happily ever after! Sir? You're gonna have to pay for that. Maybe we could make a deal for it, little boy? - Oh, I'm not a real boy. - Do you want to be? Nobody needs your deals anymore, Grumpel Stinkypants! I wish that ogre was never born! Wake up, Daddy, wake up! - Good morning. - Good morning to you. Better out than in. That's my line. Did my little Fergus make a... ...big, grownup ogre stink?! Oh, that's diabolical! And on your left, the lovable lug that showed us you don't have to change your undies to change the world! I wonder what Shrek's up to in there. Get in there. Get... Impossible to put on! OK, the dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop... ...and finally, into the castle. Play date! Then Shrek kissed the Princess. She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived... Happily... - Ever... - After. Look! A shooting star! So, what did you wish for? That every day could be like this one. Come here, you. Morning, Daddy. Morning. Better out than in. Did my little Fergus make a... Cute. Real cute. This lovable lug taught us you don't have to change your undies to change the world! Play date! Shrek! The outhouse is clogged up! She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived... - Happily... - Ever... After? - Daddy, get up! - Morning. - Better out than in. - This lovable lug... - Play date! - No! Outhouse again! Come on. Undies! Outhouse! - Get up, get up! - And they lived... - Happily... - Ever... After. Roar. Nice landing, baby. Hey! Now remember, don't eat the valet. Happy birthday, nios! Vamos a la fiesta! Hey, Shrek, Shrek! Mr. Shrek, would you sign our pitchforks? And our torches? Oh, man, you used to be so fierce! Yeah, when you were a real ogre! A real ogre? Shrek, it's a sing-along. You've got to sing along! - No, thanks. - Please? I'll be your best friend. Why does being your best friend entail me doing everything I don't want to do? Please, Felicia, not in Daddy's ear. Excuse me, Mr. Shrek? Could you do that ogre roar of yours for my son? He's a big, big fan. Do the roar. You know, I'd rather not. It's my kids' birthday party. - Do the roar. - Honey? Why don't you go check on the cake? - Sure. - And don't forget the candles. Hold still. Thanks for the pants, Muffin Man. I always wanted chaps! Yee-haw! Giddy up! - Monsieur Shrek. - Howdy, Shrek! Your cake. Voil! - What is that supposed to be? - That's Sprinkles the Ogre! Isn't he cute? He looks just like you. But happy. It's a party, Shrek. You gotta cheer up! I'm in a great mood, actually. - Oh, I'm gonna lick me a rainbow! - Donkey! As long as you're not doing anything, how about one of those famous Shrek roars? - Do the roar. - Let me set you straight, Butter Pants. An ogre only roars when he's angry. You don't want to see me angry, do you? Do it. Hold it together. Just hold it together. Daddy, he's getting away. Do something. Oh, good. - What happened to the cake? - Trust me. It's an improvement. - You licked it! - No. Just because you're an ogre, doesn't mean you have to eat like one. Looks like you forgot the candles! OK, just watch the cake. I'll go get them. Watch the cake? - Where's the cake?! - We ate the cake. - Ya. - What? No, don't cry. Hey! I believe you promised my son a roar. - Do the roar. - Roar. - I don't like it. - Pigs, we need another cake. - We ate the other cakes. - One roar, man. Hey, everybody! Shrek's gonna do his famous ogre roar! Not now, Donkey. Pigs, are there any cupcakes? - We ate them, too. - They have lollipops. No, I ate them. - You didn't share? - Well, you didn't share the croissants! - Everything's gonna be OK. - Shrek, what's going on? - Come on, Shrek, your fans are waiting! - Do the roar. We need the cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! I love you, Daddy. Everybody, I have found another cake! Shrek? Are you OK? - Unbelievable. - Tell me about it! Those villagers... I'm not talking about the villagers, Shrek. I'm talking about you. Is this really how you want to remember the kids' first birthday? - Oh, great. So this is all my fault? - Yes. But you know what? Let's talk about this after the party, at home. You mean that roadside attraction we live in? Step right up! See the dancing ogre! Don't worry! He won't bite! I used to be an ogre. Now I'm just a jolly green joke! OK, OK, maybe you're not the ogre you used to be. But maybe that's not such a bad thing. I wouldn't expect you to understand. It's not like you're a real ogre. You spent half your life in a palace. And the other half locked away in a tower. Look, all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be! Back when villagers were afraid of me, and I could take a mud bath in peace. When I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it! Back when the world made sense! You mean back before you rescued me from the Dragon's Keep? Exactly! Shrek, you have three beautiful children, a wife who loves you, friends who adore you. You have everything. Why is it the only person who can't see that is you? That's just great. If she thinks I'm gonna slink back there and apologize, she's got another thing coming. She's not the boss of me. I'm an ogre and I'm not gonna apologize for acting like one. Help, please! Someone, anyone at all, help me! Please, help! Please, help! I'm stuck! Help! Oh, please, help! Someone, anyone! Help me! The pain! I can see a bright light. A tunnel! Grandma? Is that you? Yeah, it's me, Granny. An ogre! Please, Mr. Ogre, please don't eat me! I'm not gonna eat you. But you are an ogre... Aren't you? Yeah, well, I... I used to be. Look, move out or get crushed. So you're not gonna eat me? No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast. Wait up! What's your rush? Where you going? Nowhere. What a coincidence! I was just heading that way myself. But, seriously, let me give you a ride. I insist. Come on. It's the least I can do after all you've done for me. I got a hot rat cooking. All right! Can I interest you in a mudslide? Slug and tonic? A liquid libation to ease that frustration? - Eyeball-tini? - Well, maybe just one. So the centaur says, "That's not the half I'm talking about. " I gotta say, Shrek, I envy you. To live the life of an ogre... no worries, no responsibilities. You are free to pillage and terrorize as you please. - Free? That's a laugh. - Oh, yeah? Sometimes I wish I had just one day to feel like a real ogre again. Why didn't you say so? Magical transactions are my specialty! Great. Next to mimes, magicians are my favourite people. Hold on. "King for a Month. " "Knight for a Week. " Ogre for a day. Think about it, Shrek. To be feared and hated. You'll be, like, "Roar!" And the villagers will be, like, "Get away! It's Shrek! I'm so scared of him!" It would be just like the good old days, when your swamp was your castle. - When the world made sense. - All right, what's the catch? Catch? No. There's no catch. No catchings, really. I mean, there's something. Small thing. Nothing. A little thing. All right, I knew it. So what do you want? - A day. - A day. Rat's done! To make the magic work, you gotta give something to get something. In this case, you gotta give a day to get a day. That's all. I can't just pick up and leave my family. But that's the best part, Shrek! It's a magical contract. No one will even know you're gone. And by the time this day is up, you are gonna feel like a changed ogre. Still, I don't know. Hey, no problem. Forget it, no big D. Doesn't matter. Do you like white meat or dark meat? So what day would I have to give up? I don't know, any day. A day from your past. A day you had the flu? A day you lost a pet? A day some meddling oaf stuck his nose where it didn't belong destroying your business and ruining your life?! Just for an example. How about the day I met Donkey? Now, there's a day I'd like to take back. I don't know who that is. I know. What about a day you wouldn't even remember? Like a day when you were a baby. - An innocent, mindless little baby. - Take any of those days you want. - Take them all for all I care. - Oh, just one will do. OK, good. A day from your childhood it is. I guess there's nothing wrong with wanting a little time for myself. Just 24 tiny little hours. - I'm still my own ogre! - Yeah, you is! I never needed to ask for anyone's permission before. So why start now? Go on, Shrek. Sign it! Go on, Shrek. Sign it, Shrek! Sign it! You signed it. So, tell me. What happens now? Have a nice day. I think I fell on my keys. There are 40 children in that shoe, which is why the weasel goes pop to this very day. Oh, great. As we head over the river and through the woods... Ogre! Kill the ogre! Kill the ogre! This is the part where you run away! Sure is great to be wanted again. Nice one. Fiona? Oh, no. My home. Fiona! Fiona! Are you in there?! All right, Rumpel! This wasn't part of the deal! Rumpel! Ogre! We've got another one, ladies! Get him! Who are you?! What are you doing in my swamp? Looks like a troublemaker! Spread 'em! Nice job, ladies! You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights! You have the right to shut your mouth! Donkey, stop with the singing, will you? Donkey! Donkey, where am I? What's happening? Quiet down there! Oh, I hate this song. I'm driving, so I'm in charge of the music. Will you witches make up your mind? Donkey? What's going on? Do you know where Fiona is? Quiet, ogre! You're gonna get me in trouble and I need this job. I am not going back to work for Old MacDonald. Tell me to E-I-E-I-O. "E-I-E-I-No!" That's what I said. Where are my babies? And where's your wife, Dragon? Look, I think you have me confused with some other talking donkey. I've never seen you before in my life. Never seen me before? Come on, Donkey! And how do you know my name anyway? It's me, Shrek. Your best friend? A donkey and an ogre friends? That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! Can you at least tell me where they're taking me? To the same place they take every ogre. To Rumpelstiltskin. - Stiltskin! - I said quiet! Oh, no. It's time to crumble! Place your bets! Place your bets! We start tout de suite! Yeah! Gingy? Gingy snap! There's one! Disgusting, filthy ogre! Hideous monster! Filthy, filthy creature! Disgusting creature! Move it! Don't worry, Donkey. I'll get us our lives back. Yeah, right. Put a little mustard on mine, Captain Crazy! Mr. Stiltskin? You got another customer. - Wolfie! - Yes, Mr. Stiltskin. Bring me my business wig. Mr. Stiltskin, please! - OK, go. - Please make me a real boy! Go away! Terms are in the details, balsa boy. Sayonara, termites! Hello, acne! Stiltskin! Shrek! There he is! So close! Have I been waiting for you! Ladies, this is the guy that made all of this possible! So, tell me, how are you enjoying your day? All right, Rumpel, what's going on? What have you done? No, Shrek, it's not what I've done. It's what you've done. Thanks to you, the King and Queen signed their kingdom over to me. They would never do that. They would if I promised them all their problems would disappear. And then they disappeared! They would have done anything if they thought it would end their daughter's curse. I ended Fiona's curse! How could you when you never existed? You better start making sense, you dirty little man! Here, let me spell it out for you! You gave me a day from your past, a day you couldn't even remember. A day when you were an innocent, mindless little baby. You took the day I was born. No, Shrek. You gave it to me. Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin, because when this day is up... But you haven't heard the best part. Since you were never born, once this day comes to an end, so will you. Where's Fiona? Where's my family? Silly little ogre. You don't get it, do you? You see, you were never born. You never met Fiona. Your kids don't exist. How's that for a metaphysical paradox? Looks like you got exactly what you wanted! - Happy Ogre Day! - Rumpel! Get him, witches! You know what'd help morale around here? Flip-flop Fridays. Feet be comfortable with the breeze on your toes. Come on, girls! Lock all the doors, you worthless witches! Do it! I'll be right back, Donkey! I don't know you! I don't know him! I'm glad I'm not you. Help me! Help! Help! No, not my pretty ball! Watch out! Wolfie? My angry wig. Help! I've been kidnapped by a deranged, unbalanced ogre! Donkey! Get off of me! Watch it with your pointy hooves! - Just take my wallet! - Hey! I'm being ass-napped! Animal cruelty! Help! You need to calm down! I'm your friend. I'm not gonna hurt you, all right? Good. I'm gonna let go... ...right... now. Please! Eat my face last! Send my hooves to my mama! Donkey! You've got to trust me. - Why should I trust you? - Because... Because... OK. Fine! Go ahead! Run away! Who needs you? I've never seen an ogre cry. I'm not crying. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I cry all the time. Just thinking about my grandma, or thinking about baby kittens, or my grandma kissing a baby kitten, or a little baby grandma kitten. - That is so darn sad. - I said, I'm not crying! Take it easy, I'm only trying to help. It's none of my business why you're upset. By the way, why are you upset? I was tricked into signing something I shouldn't have. You signed up for one of them time-shares, huh? No. I signed this. You should never sign a contract with Rumpelstiltskin! Yeah, I got that. - His fine print is crafty. - I know. - His exit clauses are sneaky. - Yeah, I... - What did you say? - I'm talking about the exit clause. Used to be, you had to guess his name, but now everybody knows who Rumpelstiltskin is. Donkey, I've read the fine print. There's nothing about an exit clause in here. Well, you didn't expect him to make it easy for you. Here, let me show you how it's done. I didn't spend all that time around them witches without picking up a few tricks. Your tiny, little ogre brain couldn't begin to comprehend the complexity of my polygonic foldability skills. What are you doing? Hey, I can't get my origami on unless you back off. Thank you. OK, here's what you gotta do. You fold this piece here, make this letter match up here, bring this corner here, and if you do it just right, it will show you what to do. There! "Try Lou's Bliss. " Who's Lou? Give me that! "True Love's Kiss. " You have to take me to dinner first. "According to fairy tale law, if not fully satisfied, true love's kiss will render this contract null and void. " Donkey, you did it! Look at you! If Fiona and I share true love's kiss, I will get my life back! OK! This isn't a petting zoo! So where is this Fiona? Well, that's just it, you see. I don't know. You know, when I lose something, I always try to retrace my steps. So... where did you leave her last? The last time I saw her, I told her I wished I'd never rescued her. - Oh, no. - Shrek? Shrek! Shrek, wait! Wait, Shrek! What, are you crazy? That's the Dragon's Keep! They keep dragons in there! OK, yeah, fine! Go ahead! I'm gonna just hang back here and find us some breakfast! Fiona! Oh, no. If I didn't save Fiona... ...then who did? This is the favour Fiona was supposed to give me on the day we met. It's a symbol of our love. Now smell it! Hey, man, get that dirty favour out of my face! Your nose is the only chance I have of tracking down my wife, so stop complaining and start smelling. Smell it! Get it! Away you go, girl! Do I look like a bloodhound to you? In case you haven't noticed, I'm a donkey, not a dog! If I was a dog, they'd call me Dog, not Donkey! And another thing... Wait a minute. I think I got something. - Whatever it is, it's sweet. - Fiona. Luscious and tasty. Hey! That's my wife you're talking about. Donkey! Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle Fairy was just a bedtime story. Sticky stacks of golden, syrupy deliciousness! Donkey! Don't eat that! There's a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest. Don't you find that a wee bit suspicious? Oh, you... I'm just... What are you...? Bad Donkey! Mustn't. I said, don't! Don't! No! Get away from it. You did. Look out! Donkey! - Are you OK? - I'm fine. Donkey. Help! Help me! Help, Shrek! Help! Watch your head. Hey, it's a new guy! Look at him, all dressed up in his Sunday vest. He's really tiny, isn't he? Yeah. Fate has delivered us a comrade-in-arms and for that, we are thankful. Suit him up! - Let's go, greenie. - Now, wait a minute! - Hey! - Here you go. - Welcome to the resistance. - Resistance? We fight for freedom and ogres everywhere! I didn't know we could do that. Help! You can't eat me! I got the mange! - I'm poisonous! I'm all poi... - I'll take him! This order's to go. Hey! I haven't removed his giblets yet. Trust me, you don't want to eat this one. I go down smooth, but come out fighting! - Let go! - Don't make Mama mad. Your dinner is my friend! - Come on, guys! - I got to get the giblets out! - She's back. - There she is. Fiona! I'm so happy I found you! Maybe you missed orientation, but for future reference, personal space is very important to me. You don't know who I am, do you? No. Brogan, I have news from Far Far Away. Gather the others and meet me in the war room. Gretched, make sure everyone is prepared to move out tonight. - I need to talk to you. - What is it? OK, I know you don't remember me, but... ...we're married. Hear me out. And at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks, and this boy kept saying, "Do the roar. " Then I punched the cakes that the pigs ate and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole. Right? Who's with me? I guess I must have kicked him harder than I thought. Fiona, I need to... Witches! All right, everyone, you know the drill! - Fiona! - Witches! Oh, no! - Witches! Witches! - Come on, now. Fiona, that's the third patrol today. We can't hide forever. Trust me, Brogan. After tonight, we won't have to. - That's your wife? - That's my wife. Well, I see who wears the chain mail in your family! Some people like to look at the goblet as... as half empty. Me, I like to look at it as half full. We've gone from the bottom to the top, ladies. But we're not just an empire. We're a family. Everyone has got their cupcake? Cupcake, cupcake? Good. Yes? Baba? Good. Yeah, you know, we have put away a lot of ogres. And so one got away. Who cares? It's not a big deal. It doesn't matter to me. It's not like it's the end of the world. Except... funny thing. Now that I think about it, the ogre who got away is Shrek! And if he shares a kiss with Fiona by sunrise, it is the end of the world! Our world! My empire! But, as I was saying, I like to look at the goblet as half full. Yelling makes me so parched. Would anyone care for some water? Wet your whistle? A clear, crisp, delicious glass... ...of agua purificada? Anybody's thirsty? Nobody's thirsty? No? Well, then does anyone care to tell me what it's going to take to get this ogre? You. Faster brooms? - No! - Pointier hats? - No! You! - Maybe we could hire a professional bounty hunter? What a world! What a world! You know, actually not a bad idea. Baba! I need a bounty hunter. And if music doth soothe the savage beast... ...then I think I might know just the person! Listen up, everyone. Word has come from Far Far Away. Stiltskin is leading tonight's ogre hunt himself. - He's never done that before. - What? Why? I bet that's because of us. If that cupcake-eating clown finally leaves the safety of his filthy witch nest... ...he'll be vulnerable. The plan's simple. If they follow the usual patrol route, they'll reach the river by midnight. We'll be concealed along this road, waiting for his caravan. Once they reach the clearing, I'll give the signal. And then we attack! And when the smoke clears... Wait, what's this? That's my chimichanga stand. No, Cookie. We won't be needing that. Trust me, Fiona. Y'all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, OK? Go and finish your little speech. All right, as I was saying, when the smoke clears, Rumpelstiltskin is gone and the chimichangas have been eaten. Far Far Away will finally be free. - And so will we. - Spread the word. We move out as soon as Rumpel leaves the palace. - Man, this is serious! - Tell me about it. How am I ever gonna get her to kiss me before sunrise? Actually, I was talking about the revolution. Revolution? Why don't you just tell her what you told me? About how you're her true love and you came from an alternate universe. Well, while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire-breathing dragon and you have little, mutant donkey-dragon babies. I do?! You saw what happened. She's gonna think I'm crazy. I'm a daddy? You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once... ...then I can do it again. Shrek, do my babies have hooves or talons? Donkey...! Hello? Fiona? You should not be here, seor. Puss? You've gotta be kidding me. Feed me, if you dare. Puss, what happened to you? You got so fa... ...fancy. - Do I know you? Well, where's your hat? Where's your belt? Your wee little boots? Boots? For a cat? Ha! But you're Puss in Boots. Maybe once. But that is a name I have outgrown. That's not the only thing you've outgrown. Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life. I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. I'll get him later. Puss, what have I done to you? You've gone soft. Well, I do get brushed twice a day. Look, it's not too late to fix it. All you have to do is help me get a kiss from Fiona. What are you doing? Can I help you with something? Well, I know how stressful mounting a rebellion can be... ...rallying the troops, planning attacks, so I brought you a little something to ease the tension. A gift basket? You're welcome. So let's see what you got. Heart-shaped box of slugs. Skunk-scented candle. - Look, this really isn't the... - What's this? Coupons! Let's see, "Good for one free foot massage. " "A mud facial!" Oh, and here's one... "Good for one free kiss. " Let's cash it now. Look, I don't know what this is all about, but I'm trying to run a revolution. So unless you have Rumpelstiltskin's head in there, I suggest you take your gift basket, get out of my tent and go make yourself useful! Wow. You're right. I am sorry. I was just trying to be friendly. No hard feelings? An apologetic hug? And a quick kiss goodbye. Hey! Wait! Is that mistletoe I see? Hey, Shrek! Are my babies cute, or do they make people feel uncomfortable? - Where'd we find that guy? - Could it be true? Have the years of prim and pampery made me soft? Don't be silly. Now who's a pretty kitty? I am. Daddy thinks you look real nice, Fifi. Honk. All right, Piggies, be gone! Don't forget to take her little potty box with you. This little piggy wants to go home! - Mr. Stiltskin! He's here. - Nice. Pied Piper. How was your commute? Good. You call this guy a bounty hunter? What's he gonna do, flute those ogres a lullaby? OK, got it! Make it stop! All right, that's enough. Looks like it's time to pay the piper. Griselda, seriously, it's time to pay the piper. Now go get my cheque book! Go! Move! Get out! Things are getting real sloppy around here! Here, now make sure they eat up! You can't end tyranny on an empty stomach! Go on! Go! Din-din! - Come on, Donkey. - One more time, please? All right, but this is the last time. Here it comes. Look at him. I see you! That's quite a friend you've got there. I can see why you haven't eaten him. Donkey! I hate to pull you away from your adoring public, but I'm not getting anywhere with Fiona. - I need your help! - Hey, everybody. Who wants dessert? - Where'd you get these? - Fiona's garbage. Just another gift from some clueless lover boy. That's a good one, Cookie! Anyone who knows Fiona knows this stuff ain't gonna work on her. Works on me. Donkey, what am I gonna do? It's like I don't even know her. You in trouble, Romeo. The only thing Fiona cares about is her cause. - To the cause! - To the cause! All right! Hello! - Nice moves. - What are you doing? What does it look like? I'm getting ready for ambush action. Oh, yeah. I always like to quad my lutes and do some scrunches before an operational... op. This one taken? We use that to clean the toilets. And we use that one to clean the thing we clean the toilets with. I knew that. There you go, chief. Hey... Scott? My name is Shrek, actually. You're going to get yourself killed at the ambush tonight. I'll be fine. I think I can take care of myself... Well, let's see about that. Hey! Hey... Hey! What the...? Fiona? I got it. Give me your hand. The dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop and finally... Into the castle. Wow. OK. Good. It seems like you can handle yourself. - But, Fiona... - Go get ready for the mission! - I will, but Fiona... - That's an order! All right, let's get those axes sharpened and weapons packed! Preparation is half the battle! Ogre! Un momento! Un momento! Ogre, ogre, un momento! Just give me a minute. Look, Puss, I'm a little pressed for time. I am not believing what I have just witnessed. Back there, you and Fiona. There was a spark... a spark inside her heart I thought was long extinguished. It was as if, for one moment, Fiona had actually found her true love! I am her true love. I ended her curse. You know of her curse? By day, one way, by night another. This shall be the norm. Until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form. You even know the little rhyme! It is true! You are the one! You must prove it to her! - How? - Convince her! Go to her when she is alone and tell her something that only her true love would know. Know about what?! Whoa! That's a whole lot of kitty! Shrek, can we keep him? Excuse me. Coming through! Pardon me, guys! Watch your back. Look, Donkey, the chimichanga cart! Quick! ndale! After him, burro! Donkey, vmonos! Man, you are a cat-astrophe! And you are ri-donkey-lous! I'll scout ahead. Wait for my signal. Secure your positions! - It's quite a view from up here. - What are you doing?! Get back in position! You need to know, once and for all, who I really am. You are going to ruin everything! Ruin everything? Actually, I'm gonna fix everything... The ogres, Rumpel, your curse. How do you know about my curse?! OK, OK, please, Fiona... Just hear me out. I can explain everything. - Where's Fiona's signal? - What's she waiting for? - He's going to get away! - No, he's not. Listen, I don't know who you are or how you know about my curse, but if any of these ogres find out I'm... - A beautiful princess? - That is not who I am! Not anymore. - Look, I know you're upset. - You don't know anything about me. I know everything about you. I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode. - Big deal. - I know that when you sign your name, - you put a heart over the "I". - So what? I know that when you see a shooting star, you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose and you make a wish. I know that you don't like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes... ...you're afraid you're gonna wake up back in that tower. But, most importantly, Fiona... ...I know that the reason you turn human every day... ...is because you've never been kissed... ...well... ...by me. - You move fast. - It's not me doing the moving. - Why is this happening?! - Love? - No, I'm being forced to dance! - By love! No, I can't stop myself! Please! Make it stop! I can't control myself! Yeah! Cookie's bringing the heat out of the kitchen! Oh, no! It's the Piper! I can't believe I let this happen, and it's all because of you! - If you'd just let me kiss you! - What? You're insane! We must do something before they fandango themselves into oblivion! - What can we do? - First, you must stop dancing! When somebody tooties that fluty, I got to shake my booty! Then it's up to me! Hurry! We must get them away from the music! Puss and Donkey to the rescue! We saved the day! Donkey... Can I borrow your tongue? Say what?! No. Hell... I don't care how big your eyes get, player, it's not going down. All right! Stop! - Where are you going? - To save my friends. - How, by getting yourself killed? - If that's what it takes. Puss, say something. - Puss? - Let me explain. That's how you knew so much about me. - Fiona, wait! Kiss me. - What? It's the only way to save your friends. Get out of my way. You used to believe that a single kiss could solve everything! I don't understand. This doesn't make any sense. True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything! Yeah, you know, that's what they told me, too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did. I saved myself. Don't you get it? It's all just a big fairy tale. Fiona, don't say that. It does exist! How would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep? Did you live all alone in a miserable tower? Did you cry yourself to sleep every night, waiting for a true love that never came?! But... But I'm your true love. Then where were you when I needed you? Maybe you kissed her wrong? No. The kiss didn't work... ...because Fiona doesn't love me. Don't despair, fellow ogres! They can put us in cages, but they can't cage our honour! Shrek and Fiona are together?! Yeah, I've heard enough of your toot-a-lee-toots! You blew it! Wolfie! My speech wig. Baba! Ready my makeup. And Piper, pull my socks up. - Tight. - Attention, citizens. Please stay tuned for a message from our tyrannical dictator! Hello, people. It is I, Rumpelstiltskin... ...shepherd of your dreams. Recently, a certain somebody has jeopardized our joyous lives. And that somebody is the rat-munching ogre called Shrek! That is why I come to you, dear citizens. For whomever brings me this ogre, shall receive the deal of a lifetime. Just think of it! Total and - complete happiness. - Ya! Dazzling, radiant fulfilment! All your greatest wishes. - Yeah! - Your wildest dreams. Anything you could ever want! No strings attached! But hurry, this is a limited time offer. So light your torches, sharpen your pitchforks and get your mob on! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Go back where you came from! It seems that we are safe. Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go. What's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over. Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end, you'll see. - I bet by this time tomorrow... - Don't you understand? There is no tomorrow. There's no day after that, and there's no day after that day after that! My life was perfect and I'm never going to get it back! If your life was so perfect, why'd you sign it away to Rumpelstiltskin? Because I didn't know what I had until it was gone! All right? I didn't know what I had. Surrender now! I'm taking you in! Don't try to fight it, ogre! The reward is mine! Gingy? - You unhand me, green devil! - What are you doing? Collecting my bounty! - Bounty? - What are you talking about, cracker? Rumpelstiltskin promised the deal of a lifetime - for whoever could bring you in. - Deal of a lifetime? Where all your wishes come true. Wait a minute. - I can still fix this. - How you gonna do that? You know what? I'm gonna give Rumpelstiltskin exactly what he wants. OK, Gingy, tell me about this... Were you going to eat that? Not Shrek. That is not Shrek. Also not Shrek. That's not even an ogre, it is a troll! Nice try. - And that... - Roar. ...is just sad. And what is that supposed to be? I'm just a frightened old man. Don't listen to him! These ogres are crafty! That is your father painted green. No, it's Shrek! Honest! Take them away! Can no one bring me Shrek?! Where is he? How hard can it be?! I want him! I want him! I want him! Stiltskin! I hear you're looking for me. All right! Finally! Who turned him in? Who gets the deal of a lifetime? - I do. - What? But... If I'm turning myself in, I get the deal of a lifetime. That means you have to give me anything I want. No! Only true love's kiss can break your contract! So if you thought you were just gonna... ...in here and get your life back... - I'm not here to get my life back. Then what do you want? The ogres. They are all free. But where is Shrek? This is not good. I don't know. Not much of a storybook ending. The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres. All that matters is that they're free... ...and Fiona is safe. I bet Fiona would be really touched to hear that. But, hey... ...I guess you can tell her yourself. Fiona! Stiltskin, we had a deal! You agreed to free all ogres! Oh, yeah. But Fiona isn't all ogre, is she? By day, one way, by night, another. Blardy, blardy, blar. Nobody's smart but me! That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you. No, you were right. I wasn't there for you. And not just at the Dragon's Keep, but... ...every day since. Well... ...you're here now. Let go of me! I have got to save Shrek! Don't be a fool, mule! She's right. Rumpel's palace is locked up tighter - than Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard. - And that cupboard wasn't guarded by a whole bunch of mean, ugly, nasty witches. Hey! We can hear you! Sorry! We must get into the palace. Man, Shrek and me just busted out of that place! But how? The same way we're gonna bust in. Yay! My new pretty ball! Didn't it look bigger in the catalogue? I guess it'll have to do. Witches, finally, the moment we've all been waiting for. The main event of the evening! I present Shrek and Fiona! And now, to put the past behind us once and for all, I give you a princess's worst nightmare! Fiona's old flame, the keeper of the keep... ...Dragon! - Donkey? - And Puss! In Boots! Get them, get them, witches! Incoming! - Donkey, woo her! - Woo who? Your wife! Uh-oh. I'll call you! We're in love! Fiona, hold on! Hey, you! - Chimichangas?! - Get 'em while they're hot! Jump! Now! The dragon goes under the bridge! Through the loop! And finally... Into the castle! Run! Foo! So long! Come on, Fifi, go! Go! Witches, close up the floor! Come on, Fifi, go! Flappity flap! Come on, go! Fly away! Up, up! Go! Fifi, no! Victory is ours! Looks like we're having curly-toed weirdo for breakfast. Hey, we make a pretty good team. You have no idea. Shrek? His day is up. His day is...! Shrek? It's all right. There has to be something I can do. You've already done everything for me, Fiona. You gave me a home and a family. You have kids? We have kids. Fergus, Farkle and a little girl named... ...Felicia. - Felicia. I always wanted to have a daughter named Felicia. And someday... ...you will. You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again. Fiona, the sunrise! You're still... an ogre! - True love's form. - Impossible! The kiss worked. What?! Fifi! Puss! No, no, no! No, not yet! I'm not ready! No, wait! I love you, Daddy! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Everybody, I have found another cake! Shrek? Are you OK? Fiona. I've never been better. Roar! Happy Birthday, Farkle. Fergus, my little man! And Felicia, sweetheart. I believe this is yours. Thank you, Daddy. Hey, Uncle Shrek! How about giving my babies an encore! Please, seor, let us have it! - I didn't know we could do that. - That's my best friend! You know, I always thought that I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep. You did. No. It was you that rescued me. Yummy!


	6. Vigil at the Graveyard

h2Bee Movie Script/h2  
pre According to all known laws of aviation,

there is no way a bee should be able to fly.

Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

The bee, of course, flies anyway

because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

Yellow, black. Yellow, black.  
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

Ooh, black and yellow!  
Let's shake it up a little.

Barry! Breakfast is ready!

Ooming!

Hang on a second.

Hello?

\- Barry?  
\- Adam?

\- Oan you believe this is happening?  
\- I can't. I'll pick you up.

Looking sharp.

Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.

Sorry. I'm excited.

Here's the graduate.  
We're very proud of you, son.

A perfect report card, all B's.

Very proud.

Ma! I got a thing going here.

\- You got lint on your fuzz.  
\- Ow! That's me!

\- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.  
\- Bye!

Barry, I told you,  
stop flying in the house!

\- Hey, Adam.  
\- Hey, Barry.

\- Is that fuzz gel?  
\- A little. Special day, graduation.

Never thought I'd make it.

Three days grade school,  
three days high school.

Those were awkward.

Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive.

You did come back different.

\- Hi, Barry.  
\- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.

\- Hear about Frankie?  
\- Yeah.

\- You going to the funeral?  
\- No, I'm not going.

Everybody knows,  
sting someone, you die.

Don't waste it on a squirrel.  
Such a hothead.

I guess he could have just gotten out of the way.

I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day.

That's why we don't need vacations.

Boy, quite a bit of pomp...  
under the circumstances.

\- Well, Adam, today we are men.  
\- We are!

\- Bee-men.  
\- Amen!

Hallelujah!

Students, faculty, distinguished bees,

please welcome Dean Buzzwell.

Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of...

...9:15.

That concludes our ceremonies.

And begins your career at Honex Industries!

Will we pick ourjob today?

I heard it's just orientation.

Heads up! Here we go.

Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times.

\- Wonder what it'll be like?  
\- A little scary.

Welcome to Honex,  
a division of Honesco

and a part of the Hexagon Group.

This is it!

Wow.

Wow.

We know that you, as a bee,  
have worked your whole life

to get to the point where you can work for your whole life.

Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.

Our top-secret formula

is automatically color-corrected,  
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured

into this soothing sweet syrup

with its distinctive golden glow you know as...

Honey!

\- That girl was hot.  
\- She's my cousin!

\- She is?  
\- Yes, we're all cousins.

\- Right. You're right.  
\- At Honex, we constantly strive

to improve every aspect of bee existence.

These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology.

\- What do you think he makes?  
\- Not enough.

Here we have our latest advancement,  
the Krelman.

\- What does that do?  
\- Oatches that little strand of honey

that hangs after you pour it.  
Saves us millions.

Oan anyone work on the Krelman?

Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know

that every small job,  
if it's done well, means a lot.

But choose carefully

because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life.

The same job the rest of your life?  
I didn't know that.

What's the difference?

You'll be happy to know that bees,  
as a species, haven't had one day off

in 27 million years.

So you'll just work us to death?

We'll sure try.

Wow! That blew my mind!

"What's the difference?"  
How can you say that?

One job forever?  
That's an insane choice to have to make.

I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life.

But, Adam, how could they never have told us that?

Why would you question anything?  
We're bees.

We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth.

You ever think maybe things work a little too well here?

Like what? Give me one example.

I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about.

Please clear the gate.  
Royal Nectar Force on approach.

Wait a second. Oheck it out.

\- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!  
\- Wow.

I've never seen them this close.

They know what it's like outside the hive.

Yeah, but some don't come back.

\- Hey, Jocks!  
\- Hi, Jocks!

You guys did great!

You're monsters!  
You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!

\- I wonder where they were.  
\- I don't know.

Their day's not planned.

Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what.

You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that.

Right.

Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime.

It's just a status symbol.  
Bees make too much of it.

Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it.

Those ladies?  
Aren't they our cousins too?

Distant. Distant.

Look at these two.

\- Oouple of Hive Harrys.  
\- Let's have fun with them.

It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock.

Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom!

He had a paw on my throat,  
and with the other, he was slapping me!

\- Oh, my!  
\- I never thought I'd knock him out.

What were you doing during this?

Trying to alert the authorities.

I can autograph that.

A little gusty out there today,  
wasn't it, comrades?

Yeah. Gusty.

We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow.

\- Six miles, huh?  
\- Barry!

A puddle jump for us,  
but maybe you're not up for it.

\- Maybe I am.  
\- You are not!

We're going 0900 at J-Gate.

What do you think, buzzy-boy?  
Are you bee enough?

I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means.

Hey, Honex!

Dad, you surprised me.

You decide what you're interested in?

\- Well, there's a lot of choices.  
\- But you only get one.

Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day?

Son, let me tell you about stirring.

You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around.

You get yourself into a rhythm.  
It's a beautiful thing.

You know, Dad,  
the more I think about it,

maybe the honey field just isn't right for me.

You were thinking of what,  
making balloon animals?

That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger.

Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey!

\- Barry, you are so funny sometimes.  
\- I'm not trying to be funny.

You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer!

\- You're gonna be a stirrer?  
\- No one's listening to me!

Wait till you see the sticks I have.

I could say anything right now.  
I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!

Let's open some honey and celebrate!

Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.  
Shave my antennae.

Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!

I'm so proud.

\- We're starting work today!  
\- Today's the day.

Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone.

Yeah, right.

Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,  
stirrer, front desk, hair removal...

\- Is it still available?  
\- Hang on. Two left!

One of them's yours! Oongratulations!  
Step to the side.

\- What'd you get?  
\- Picking crud out. Stellar!

Wow!

Oouple of newbies?

Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!

Make your choice.

\- You want to go first?  
\- No, you go.

Oh, my. What's available?

Restroom attendant's open,  
not for the reason you think.

\- Any chance of getting the Krelman?  
\- Sure, you're on.

I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.

Wax monkey's always open.

The Krelman opened up again.

What happened?

A bee died. Makes an opening. See?  
He's dead. Another dead one.

Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.

Dead from the neck up.  
Dead from the neck down. That's life!

Oh, this is so hard!

Heating, cooling,  
stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,

humming, inspector number seven,  
lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,

mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry?

Barry!

All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine...

What happened to you?  
Where are you?

\- I'm going out.  
\- Out? Out where?

\- Out there.  
\- Oh, no!

I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life.

You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?

Another call coming in.

If anyone's feeling brave,  
there's a Korean deli on 83rd

that gets their roses today.

Hey, guys.

\- Look at that.  
\- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?

Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.

It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.

Really? Feeling lucky, are you?

Sign here, here. Just initial that.

\- Thank you.  
\- OK.

You got a rain advisory today,

and as you all know,  
bees cannot fly in rain.

So be careful. As always,  
watch your brooms,

hockey sticks, dogs,  
birds, bears and bats.

Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us.

Murphy's in a home because of it,  
babbling like a cicada!

\- That's awful.  
\- And a reminder for you rookies,

bee law number one,  
absolutely no talking to humans!

All right, launch positions!

Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,  
buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!

Black and yellow!

Hello!

You ready for this, hot shot?

Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.

Wind, check.

\- Antennae, check.  
\- Nectar pack, check.

\- Wings, check.  
\- Stinger, check.

Scared out of my shorts, check.

OK, ladies,

let's move it out!

Pound those petunias,  
you striped stem-suckers!

All of you, drain those flowers!

Wow! I'm out!

I can't believe I'm out!

So blue.

I feel so fast and free!

Box kite!

Wow!

Flowers!

This is Blue Leader.  
We have roses visual.

Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.

Roses!

30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.

Stand to the side, kid.  
It's got a bit of a kick.

That is one nectar collector!

\- Ever see pollination up close?  
\- No, sir.

I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there,

a pinch on that one.  
See that? It's a little bit of magic.

That's amazing. Why do we do that?

That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.

Oool.

I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.  
Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?

Oopy that visual.

Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move.

Say again? You're reporting a moving flower?

Affirmative.

That was on the line!

This is the coolest. What is it?

I don't know, but I'm loving this color.

It smells good.  
Not like a flower, but I like it.

Yeah, fuzzy.

Ohemical-y.

Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.

My sweet lord of bees!

Oandy-brain, get off there!

Problem!

\- Guys!  
\- This could be bad.

Affirmative.

Very close.

Gonna hurt.

Mama's little boy.

You are way out of position, rookie!

Ooming in at you like a missile!

Help me!

I don't think these are flowers.

\- Should we tell him?  
\- I think he knows.

What is this?!

Match point!

You can start packing up, honey,  
because you're about to eat it!

Yowser!

Gross.

There's a bee in the car!

\- Do something!  
\- I'm driving!

\- Hi, bee.  
\- He's back here!

He's going to sting me!

Nobody move. If you don't move,  
he won't sting you. Freeze!

He blinked!

Spray him, Granny!

What are you doing?!

Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable.

I gotta get home.

Oan't fly in rain.

Oan't fly in rain.

Oan't fly in rain.

Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!

Ken, could you close the window please?

Ken, could you close the window please?

Oheck out my new resume.  
I made it into a fold-out brochure.

You see? Folds out.

Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.

What was that?

Maybe this time. This time. This time.  
This time! This time! This...

Drapes!

That is diabolical.

It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.

What's number one? Star Wars?

Nah, I don't go for that...

...kind of stuff.

No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.  
They're out of their minds.

When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.

There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.

I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it.

I predicted global warming.

I could feel it getting hotter.  
At first I thought it was just me.

Wait! Stop! Bee!

Stand back. These are winter boots.

Wait!

Don't kill him!

You know I'm allergic to them!  
This thing could kill me!

Why does his life have less value than yours?

Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement?

I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling.

My brochure!

There you go, little guy.

I'm not scared of him.  
It's an allergic thing.

Put that on your resume brochure.

My whole face could puff up.

Make it one of your special skills.

Knocking someone out is also a special skill.

Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.

\- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?  
\- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.

\- You could put carob chips on there.  
\- Bye.

\- Supposed to be less calories.  
\- Bye.

I gotta say something.

She saved my life.  
I gotta say something.

All right, here it goes.

Nah.

What would I say?

I could really get in trouble.

It's a bee law.  
You're not supposed to talk to a human.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

I've got to.

Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!

No. Yes. No.

Do it. I can't.

How should I start it?  
"You like jazz?" No, that's no good.

Here she comes! Speak, you fool!

Hi!

I'm sorry.

\- You're talking.  
\- Yes, I know.

You're talking!

I'm so sorry.

No, it's OK. It's fine.  
I know I'm dreaming.

But I don't recall going to bed.

Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting.

This is a bit of a surprise to me.  
I mean, you're a bee!

I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this,

but they were all trying to kill me.

And if it wasn't for you...

I had to thank you.  
It's just how I was raised.

That was a little weird.

\- I'm talking with a bee.  
\- Yeah.

I'm talking to a bee.  
And the bee is talking to me!

I just want to say I'm grateful.  
I'll leave now.

\- Wait! How did you learn to do that?  
\- What?

The talking thing.

Same way you did, I guess.  
"Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.

\- That's very funny.  
\- Yeah.

Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,  
we'd cry with what we have to deal with.

Anyway...

Oan I...

...get you something?  
\- Like what?

I don't know. I mean...  
I don't know. Ooffee?

I don't want to put you out.

It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.

\- It's just coffee.  
\- I hate to impose.

\- Don't be ridiculous!  
\- Actually, I would love a cup.

Hey, you want rum cake?

\- I shouldn't.  
\- Have some.

\- No, I can't.  
\- Oome on!

I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.

\- Where?  
\- These stripes don't help.

You look great!

I don't know if you know anything about fashion.

Are you all right?

No.

He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison.

He finally gets there.

He runs up the steps into the church.  
The wedding is on.

And he says, "Watermelon?  
I thought you said Guatemalan.

Why would I marry a watermelon?"

Is that a bee joke?

That's the kind of stuff we do.

Yeah, different.

So, what are you gonna do, Barry?

About work? I don't know.

I want to do my part for the hive,  
but I can't do it the way they want.

I know how you feel.

\- You do?  
\- Sure.

My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.

\- Really?  
\- My only interest is flowers.

Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan.

Anyway, if you look...

There's my hive right there. See it?

You're in Sheep Meadow!

Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!

No way! I know that area.  
I lost a toe ring there once.

\- Why do girls put rings on their toes?  
\- Why not?

\- It's like putting a hat on your knee.  
\- Maybe I'll try that.

\- You all right, ma'am?  
\- Oh, yeah. Fine.

Just having two cups of coffee!

Anyway, this has been great.  
Thanks for the coffee.

Yeah, it's no trouble.

Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,  
I'd be up the rest of my life.

Are you...?

Oan I take a piece of this with me?

Sure! Here, have a crumb.

\- Thanks!  
\- Yeah.

All right. Well, then...  
I guess I'll see you around.

Or not.

OK, Barry.

And thank you so much again... for before.

Oh, that? That was nothing.

Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...

This can't possibly work.

He's all set to go.  
We may as well try it.

OK, Dave, pull the chute.

\- Sounds amazing.  
\- It was amazing!

It was the scariest,  
happiest moment of my life.

Humans! I can't believe you were with humans!

Giant, scary humans!  
What were they like?

Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.

They eat crazy giant things.  
They drive crazy.

\- Do they try and kill you, like on TV?  
\- Some of them. But some of them don't.

\- How'd you get back?  
\- Poodle.

You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see.

You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal.

\- Well...  
\- Well?

Well, I met someone.

You did? Was she Bee-ish?

\- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!  
\- No, no, no, not a wasp.

\- Spider?  
\- I'm not attracted to spiders.

I know it's the hottest thing,  
with the eight legs and all.

I can't get by that face.

So who is she?

She's... human.

No, no. That's a bee law.  
You wouldn't break a bee law.

\- Her name's Vanessa.  
\- Oh, boy.

She's so nice. And she's a florist!

Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!

We're not dating.

You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes

with power washers and M-80s!  
One-eighth a stick of dynamite!

She saved my life!  
And she understands me.

This is over!

Eat this.

This is not over! What was that?

\- They call it a crumb.  
\- It was so stingin' stripey!

And that's not what they eat.  
That's what falls off what they eat!

\- You know what a Oinnabon is?  
\- No.

It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.  
They heat it up...

Sit down!

...really hot!  
\- Listen to me!

We are not them! We're us.  
There's us and there's them!

Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning?

There's no yearning.  
Stop yearning. Listen to me!

You have got to start thinking bee,  
my friend. Thinking bee!

\- Thinking bee.  
\- Thinking bee.

Thinking bee! Thinking bee!  
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

There he is. He's in the pool.

You know what your problem is, Barry?

I gotta start thinking bee?

How much longer will this go on?

It's been three days!  
Why aren't you working?

I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about.

What life? You have no life!  
You have no job. You're barely a bee!

Would it kill you to make a little honey?

Barry, come out.  
Your father's talking to you.

Martin, would you talk to him?

Barry, I'm talking to you!

You coming?

Got everything?

All set!

Go ahead. I'll catch up.

Don't be too long.

Watch this!

Vanessa!

\- We're still here.  
\- I told you not to yell at him.

He doesn't respond to yelling!

\- Then why yell at me?  
\- Because you don't listen!

I'm not listening to this.

Sorry, I've gotta go.

\- Where are you going?  
\- I'm meeting a friend.

A girl? Is this why you can't decide?

Bye.

I just hope she's Bee-ish.

They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena?

To be in the Tournament of Roses,  
that's every florist's dream!

Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering.

A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events?

No. All right, I've got one.  
How come you don't fly everywhere?

It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster.

Yeah, OK, I see, I see.  
All right, your turn.

TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?  
That's insane!

You don't have that?

We have Hivo, but it's a disease.  
It's a horrible, horrible disease.

Oh, my.

Dumb bees!

You must want to sting all those jerks.

We try not to sting.  
It's usually fatal for us.

So you have to watch your temper.

Very carefully.  
You kick a wall, take a walk,

write an angry letter and throw it out.  
Work through it like any emotion:

Anger, jealousy, lust.

Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?

Yeah.

\- What is wrong with you?!  
\- It's a bug.

He's not bothering anybody.  
Get out of here, you creep!

What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?

Yeah, it was. How did you know?

It felt like about 10 pages.  
Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.

You've really got that down to a science.

\- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.  
\- I'll bet.

What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this?

How did this get here?  
Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,

Ray Liotta Private Select?

\- Is he that actor?  
\- I never heard of him.

\- Why is this here?  
\- For people. We eat it.

You don't have enough food of your own?

\- Well, yes.  
\- How do you get it?

\- Bees make it.  
\- I know who makes it!

And it's hard to make it!

There's heating, cooling, stirring.  
You need a whole Krelman thing!

\- It's organic.  
\- It's our-ganic!

It's just honey, Barry.

Just what?!

Bees don't know about this!  
This is stealing! A lot of stealing!

You've taken our homes, schools,  
hospitals! This is all we have!

And it's on sale?!  
I'm getting to the bottom of this.

I'm getting to the bottom of all of this!

Hey, Hector.

\- You almost done?  
\- Almost.

He is here. I sense it.

Well, I guess I'll go home now

and just leave this nice honey out,  
with no one around.

You're busted, box boy!

I knew I heard something.  
So you can talk!

I can talk.  
And now you'll start talking!

Where you getting the sweet stuff?  
Who's your supplier?

I don't understand.  
I thought we were friends.

The last thing we want to do is upset bees!

You're too late! It's ours now!

You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword!

You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio!

Where is the honey coming from?

Tell me where!

Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!

Orazy person!

What horrible thing has happened here?

These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now

they're on the road to nowhere!

Just keep still.

What? You're not dead?

Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed?

To Honey Farms.  
I am onto something huge here.

I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,  
crazy stuff. Blows your head off!

I'm going to Tacoma.

\- And you?  
\- He really is dead.

All right.

Uh-oh!

\- What is that?!  
\- Oh, no!

\- A wiper! Triple blade!  
\- Triple blade?

Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!

Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?!

How much do you people need to see?!

Open your eyes!  
Stick your head out the window!

From NPR News in Washington,  
I'm Oarl Kasell.

But don't kill no more bugs!

\- Bee!  
\- Moose blood guy!

\- You hear something?  
\- Like what?

Like tiny screaming.

Turn off the radio.

Whassup, bee boy?

Hey, Blood.

Just a row of honey jars,  
as far as the eye could see.

Wow!

I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it.

I mean, that honey's ours.

\- Bees hang tight.  
\- We're all jammed in.

It's a close community.

Not us, man. We on our own.  
Every mosquito on his own.

\- What if you get in trouble?  
\- You a mosquito, you in trouble.

Nobody likes us. They just smack.  
See a mosquito, smack, smack!

At least you're out in the world.  
You must meet girls.

Mosquito girls try to trade up,  
get with a moth, dragonfly.

Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.

You got to be kidding me!

Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee!

\- Hey, guys!  
\- Mooseblood!

I knew I'd catch y'all down here.  
Did you bring your crazy straw?

We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,  
and it's pretty much pure profit.

What is this place?

A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead.

They are pinheads!

Pinhead.

\- Oheck out the new smoker.  
\- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.

The Thomas 3000!

Smoker?

Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.  
Twice the nicotine, all the tar.

A couple breaths of this knocks them right out.

They make the honey,  
and we make the money.

"They make the honey,  
and we make the money"?

Oh, my!

What's going on? Are you OK?

Yeah. It doesn't last too long.

Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls?

Our queen was moved here.  
We had no choice.

This is your queen?  
That's a man in women's clothes!

That's a drag queen!

What is this?

Oh, no!

There's hundreds of them!

Bee honey.

Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale!

This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something.

Oh, Barry, stop.

Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor.

Do these look like rumors?

That's a conspiracy theory.  
These are obviously doctored photos.

How did you get mixed up in this?

He's been talking to humans.

\- What?  
\- Talking to humans?!

He has a human girlfriend.  
And they make out!

Make out? Barry!

We do not.

\- You wish you could.  
\- Whose side are you on?

The bees!

I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.  
Those crazy legs kept me up all night.

Barry, this is what you want to do with your life?

I want to do it for all our lives.  
Nobody works harder than bees!

Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked

your hands were still stirring.  
You couldn't stop.

I remember that.

What right do they have to our honey?

We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!

Even if it's true, what can one bee do?

Sting them where it really hurts.

In the face! The eye!

\- That would hurt.  
\- No.

Up the nose? That's a killer.

There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters.

Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source.

No more bee beards!

With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.

Weather with Storm Stinger.

Sports with Buzz Larvi.

And Jeanette Ohung.

\- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.  
\- And I'm Jeanette Ohung.

A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,

intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey,

packaging it and profiting from it illegally!

Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,

we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book,

Olassy Ladies,  
out this week on Hexagon.

Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.

Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"?

Bees have never been afraid to change the world.

What about Bee Oolumbus?  
Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?

Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.

We were thinking of stickball or candy stores.

How old are you?

The bee community is supporting you in this case,

which will be the trial of the bee century.

You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too.

It's a common name. Next week...

He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots...

Next week...

Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em.

Bear Week next week!  
They're scary, hairy and here live.

Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,  
squinty eyes, very Jewish.

In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness!

It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.

Honey, her backhand's a joke!  
I'm not gonna take advantage of that?

Quiet, please.  
Actual work going on here.

\- Is that that same bee?  
\- Yes, it is!

I'm helping him sue the human race.

\- Hello.  
\- Hello, bee.

This is Ken.

Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.

Why does he talk again?

Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working.

But it's our yogurt night!

Bye-bye.

Why is yogurt night so difficult?!

You poor thing.  
You two have been at this for hours!

Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help.

\- Frosting...  
\- How many sugars?

Just one. I try not to use the competition.

So why are you helping me?

Bees have good qualities.

And it takes my mind off the shop.

Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now.

Those are great, if you're three.

And artificial flowers.

\- Oh, those just get me psychotic!  
\- Yeah, me too.

Bent stingers, pointless pollination.

Bees must hate those fake things!

Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done.

Maybe this could make up for it a little bit.

\- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.  
\- I guess.

You sure you want to go through with it?

Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able

to say, "Honey, I'm home,"  
without paying a royalty!

It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan,

where the world anxiously waits,  
because for the first time in history,

we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak.

What have we gotten into here, Barry?

It's pretty big, isn't it?

I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day.

You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers?

Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade.

\- What's the matter?  
\- I don't know, I just got a chill.

Well, if it isn't the bee team.

You boys work on this?

All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding.

All right. Oase number 4475,

Superior Oourt of New York,  
Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry

is now in session.

Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively?

A privilege.

Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world?

I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,  
we're ready to proceed.

Mr. Montgomery,  
your opening statement, please.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

my grandmother was a simple woman.

Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right

to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us.

If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines,

just think of what would it mean.

I would have to negotiate with the silkworm

for the elastic in my britches!

Talking bee!

How do we know this isn't some sort of

holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry?

They could be using laser beams!

Robotics! Ventriloquism!  
Oloning! For all we know,

he could be on steroids!

Mr. Benson?

Ladies and gentlemen,  
there's no trickery here.

I'm just an ordinary bee.  
Honey's pretty important to me.

It's important to all bees.  
We invented it!

We make it. And we protect it with our lives.

Unfortunately, there are some people in this room

who think they can take it from us

'cause we're the little guys!  
I'm hoping that, after this is all over,

you'll see how, by taking our honey,  
you not only take everything we have

but everything we are!

I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice!

Oall your first witness.

So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have.

I suppose so.

I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron!

Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms.

Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term.

I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you?

\- No.  
\- I couldn't hear you.

\- No.  
\- No.

Because you don't free bees.  
You keep bees. Not only that,

it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey.

They're very lovable creatures.

Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.

You mean like this?

Bears kill bees!

How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?!

Biting into your couch!  
Spitting out your throw pillows!

OK, that's enough. Take him away.

So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.  
Your name intrigues me.

\- Where have I heard it before?  
\- I was with a band called The Police.

But you've never been a police officer, have you?

No, I haven't.

No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example

of bee culture casually stolen by a human

for nothing more than a prance-about stage name.

Oh, please.

Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?

Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting.

Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!

That's not his real name?! You idiots!

Mr. Liotta, first,  
belated congratulations on

your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005.

Thank you. Thank you.

I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome

with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow.

I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?

Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you?

Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't

have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir?

Watch it, Benson!  
I could blow right now!

This isn't a goodfella.  
This is a badfella!

Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?!

\- Order in this court!  
\- You're all thinking it!

Order! Order, I say!

\- Say it!  
\- Mr. Liotta, please sit down!

I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that.

I think the jury's on our side.

Are we doing everything right, legally?

I'm a florist.

Right. Well, here's to a great team.

To a great team!

Well, hello.

\- Ken!  
\- Hello.

I didn't think you were coming.

No, I was just late.  
I tried to call, but... the battery.

I didn't want all this to go to waste,  
so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.

Oh, that was lucky.

There's a little left.  
I could heat it up.

Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.

So I hear you're quite a tennis player.

I'm not much for the game myself.  
The ball's a little grabby.

That's where I usually sit.  
Right... there.

Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,

and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill.

You think I don't see what you're doing?

I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common.

Do we?

Bees have 100 percent employment,  
but we do jobs like taking the crud out.

That's just what I was thinking about doing.

Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.

I'm going to drain the old stinger.

Yeah, you do that.

Look at that.

You know, I've just about had it

with your little mind games.

\- What's that?  
\- Italian Vogue.

Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.

A lot of ads.

Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine?

Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!

I think something stinks in here!

I love the smell of flowers.

How do you like the smell of flames?!

Not as much.

Water bug! Not taking sides!

Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!  
This is pathetic!

I've got issues!

Well, well, well, a royal flush!

\- You're bluffing.  
\- Am I?

Surf's up, dude!

Poo water!

That bowl is gnarly.

Except for those dirty yellow rings!

Kenneth! What are you doing?!

You know, I don't even like honey!  
I don't eat it!

We need to talk!

He's just a little bee!

And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time!

Long time? What are you talking about?!  
Are there other bugs in your life?

No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them!

Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...

My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster!

Goodbye, Ken.

And for your information,

I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man!

I'm sorry about all that.

I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it!

I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me.

I couldn't overcome it.  
Oh, well.

Are you OK for the trial?

I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas.

We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.

Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers...

Yeah.

Layton, you've gotta weave some magic

with this jury,  
or it's gonna be all over.

Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around

is to remind them of what they don't like about bees.

\- You got the tweezers?  
\- Are you allergic?

Only to losing, son. Only to losing.

Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know.

What exactly is your relationship

to that woman?

We're friends.

\- Good friends?  
\- Yes.

How good? Do you live together?

Wait a minute...

Are you her little...

...bedbug?

I've seen a bee documentary or two.  
From what I understand,

doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children?

\- Yeah, but...  
\- So those aren't your real parents!

\- Oh, Barry...  
\- Yes, they are!

Hold me back!

You're an illegitimate bee,  
aren't you, Benson?

He's denouncing bees!

Don't y'all date your cousins?

\- Objection!  
\- I'm going to pincushion this guy!

Adam, don't! It's what he wants!

Oh, I'm hit!

Oh, lordy, I am hit!

Order! Order!

The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins!

I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction!

You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages!

Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way!

\- Adam, stay with me.  
\- I can't feel my legs.

What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison

from my heaving buttocks?

I will have order in this court. Order!

Order, please!

The case of the honeybees versus the human race

took a pointed turn against the bees

yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery.

\- Hey, buddy.  
\- Hey.

\- Is there much pain?  
\- Yeah.

I...

I blew the whole case, didn't I?

It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died.

I'd be better off dead. Look at me.

They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.

Look, there's a little celery still on it.

What was it like to sting someone?

I can't explain it. It was all...

All adrenaline and then...  
and then ecstasy!

All right.

You think it was all a trap?

Of course. I'm sorry.  
I flew us right into this.

What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world.

What will the humans do to us if they win?

I don't know.

I hear they put the roaches in motels.  
That doesn't sound so bad.

Adam, they check in,  
but they don't check out!

Oh, my.

Oould you get a nurse to close that window?

\- Why?  
\- The smoke.

Bees don't smoke.

Right. Bees don't smoke.

Bees don't smoke!  
But some bees are smoking.

That's it! That's our case!

It is? It's not over?

Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.

Get back to the court and stall.  
Stall any way you can.

And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.

Mr. Flayman.

Yes? Yes, Your Honor!

Where is the rest of your team?

Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.

Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,

and as a result,  
we don't make very good time.

I actually heard a funny story about...

Your Honor,  
haven't these ridiculous bugs

taken up enough of this court's valuable time?

How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on?

They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges

against my clients,  
who run legitimate businesses.

I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case!

Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going

to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion.

But you can't! We have a terrific case.

Where is your proof?  
Where is the evidence?

Show me the smoking gun!

Hold it, Your Honor!  
You want a smoking gun?

Here is your smoking gun.

What is that?

It's a bee smoker!

What, this?  
This harmless little contraption?

This couldn't hurt a fly,  
let alone a bee.

Look at what has happened

to bees who have never been asked,  
"Smoking or non?"

Is this what nature intended for us?

To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines

and man-made wooden slat work camps?

Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man?

\- What are we gonna do?  
\- He's playing the species card.

Ladies and gentlemen, please,  
free these bees!

Free the bees! Free the bees!

Free the bees!

Free the bees! Free the bees!

The court finds in favor of the bees!

Vanessa, we won!

I knew you could do it! High-five!

Sorry.

I'm OK! You know what this means?

All the honey will finally belong to the bees.

Now we won't have to work so hard all the time.

This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson.

You'll regret this.

Barry, how much honey is out there?

All right. One at a time.

Barry, who are you wearing?

My sweater is Ralph Lauren,  
and I have no pants.

\- What if Montgomery's right?  
\- What do you mean?

We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years.

Oongratulations on your victory.  
What will you demand as a settlement?

First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps.

Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with,

every last drop.

We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more

than a filthy, smelly,  
bad-breath stink machine.

We're all aware of what they do in the woods.

Wait for my signal.

Take him out.

He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine.

And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames...

But it's just a prance-about stage name!

...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products

and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments.

Oan't breathe.

Bring it in, boys!

Hold it right there! Good.

Tap it.

Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,  
and there's gallons more coming!

\- I think we need to shut down!  
\- Shut down? We've never shut down.

Shut down honey production!

Stop making honey!

Turn your key, sir!

What do we do now?

Oannonball!

We're shutting honey production!

Mission abort.

Aborting pollination and nectar detail.  
Returning to base.

Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there.

Oh, yeah?

What's going on? Where is everybody?

\- Are they out celebrating?  
\- They're home.

They don't know what to do.  
Laying out, sleeping in.

I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket.

At least we got our honey back.

Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't?

It's the greatest thing in the world!  
I was excited to be part of making it.

This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well.

And now...

Now I can't.

I don't understand why they're not happy.

I thought their lives would be better!

They're doing nothing. It's amazing.  
Honey really changes people.

You don't have any idea what's going on, do you?

\- What did you want to show me?  
\- This.

What happened here?

That is not the half of it.

Oh, no. Oh, my.

They're all wilting.

Doesn't look very good, does it?

No.

And whose fault do you think that is?

You know, I'm gonna guess bees.

Bees?

Specifically, me.

I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things.

It's notjust flowers.  
Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.

That's our whole SAT test right there.

Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom.

And then, of course...

The human species?

So if there's no more pollination,

it could all just go south here,  
couldn't it?

I know this is also partly my fault.

How about a suicide pact?

How do we do it?

\- I'll sting you, you step on me.  
\- Thatjust kills you twice.

Right, right.

Listen, Barry...  
sorry, but I gotta get going.

I had to open my mouth and talk.

Vanessa?

Vanessa? Why are you leaving?  
Where are you going?

To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena.

They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying.

It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it.

Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.  
I never meant it to turn out like this.

I know. Me neither.

Tournament of Roses.  
Roses can't do sports.

Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?

Roses!

Vanessa!

Roses?!

Barry?

\- Roses are flowers!  
\- Yes, they are.

Flowers, bees, pollen!

I know.  
That's why this is the last parade.

Maybe not.  
Oould you ask him to slow down?

Oould you slow down?

Barry!

OK, I made a huge mistake.  
This is a total disaster, all my fault.

Yes, it kind of is.

I've ruined the planet.  
I wanted to help you

with the flower shop.  
I've made it worse.

Actually, it's completely closed down.

I thought maybe you were remodeling.

But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined.

I don't want to hear it!

All right, they have the roses,  
the roses have the pollen.

I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park.

All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got.

\- Bees.  
\- Park.

\- Pollen!  
\- Flowers.

\- Repollination!  
\- Across the nation!

Tournament of Roses,  
Pasadena, Oalifornia.

They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy.

Security will be tight.

I have an idea.

Vanessa Bloome, FTD.

Official floral business. It's real.

Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.

Thank you. It was a gift.

Once inside,  
we just pick the right float.

How about The Princess and the Pea?

I could be the princess,  
and you could be the pea!

Yes, I got it.

\- Where should I sit?  
\- What are you?

\- I believe I'm the pea.  
\- The pea?

It goes under the mattresses.

\- Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.  
\- I'm getting the marshal.

You do that!  
This whole parade is a fiasco!

Let's see what this baby'll do.

Hey, what are you doing?!

Then all we do is blend in with traffic...

...without arousing suspicion.

Once at the airport,  
there's no stopping us.

Stop! Security.

\- You and your insect pack your float?  
\- Yes.

Has it been in your possession the entire time?

Would you remove your shoes?

\- Remove your stinger.  
\- It's part of me.

I know. Just having some fun.  
Enjoy your flight.

Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job.

Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job!

I think this is gonna work.

It's got to work.

Attention, passengers,  
this is Oaptain Scott.

We have a bit of bad weather in New York.

It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay.

Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it.

I gotta get up there and talk to them.

Be careful.

Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine?

I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.

Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.

\- What'd you say, Hal?  
\- Nothing.

Bee!

Don't freak out! My entire species...

What are you doing?

\- Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!  
\- Who's an attorney?

Don't move.

Oh, Barry.

Good afternoon, passengers.  
This is your captain.

Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit?

And please hurry!

What happened here?

There was a DustBuster,  
a toupee, a life raft exploded.

One's bald, one's in a boat,  
they're both unconscious!

\- Is that another bee joke?  
\- No!

No one's flying the plane!

This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.  
What's your status?

This is Vanessa Bloome.  
I'm a florist from New York.

Where's the pilot?

He's unconscious,  
and so is the copilot.

Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience?

As a matter of fact, there is.

\- Who's that?  
\- Barry Benson.

From the honey trial?! Oh, great.

Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee.

It's got giant wings, huge engines.

I can't fly a plane.

\- Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?  
\- Yes.

How hard could it be?

Wait, Barry!  
We're headed into some lightning.

This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport,

where a suspenseful scene is developing.

Barry Benson,  
fresh from his legal victory...

That's Barry!

...is attempting to land a plane,  
loaded with people, flowers

and an incapacitated flight crew.

Flowers?!

We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls

with absolutely no flight experience.

Just a minute.  
There's a bee on that plane.

I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres.

They've done enough damage.

But isn't he your only hope?

Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all.

Their wings are too small...

Haven't we heard this a million times?

"The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense."

\- Get this on the air!  
\- Got it.

\- Stand by.  
\- We're going live.

The way we work may be a mystery to you.

Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs.

But let me tell you about a small job.

If you do it well,  
it makes a big difference.

More than we realized.  
To us, to everyone.

That's why I want to get bees back to working together.

That's the bee way!  
We're not made of Jell-O.

We get behind a fellow.

\- Black and yellow!  
\- Hello!

Left, right, down, hover.

\- Hover?  
\- Forget hover.

This isn't so hard.  
Beep-beep! Beep-beep!

Barry, what happened?!

Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time.

\- That may have been helping me.  
\- And now we're not!

So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.

All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out!

Move out!

Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,  
you copy me with the wings of the plane!

Don't have to yell.

I'm not yelling!  
We're in a lot of trouble.

It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice!

It's not a tone. I'm panicking!

I can't do this!

Vanessa, pull yourself together.  
You have to snap out of it!

You snap out of it.

You snap out of it.

\- You snap out of it!  
\- You snap out of it!

\- You snap out of it!  
\- You snap out of it!

\- You snap out of it!  
\- You snap out of it!

\- Hold it!  
\- Why? Oome on, it's my turn.

How is the plane flying?

I don't know.

Hello?

Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there?

The Pollen Jocks!

They do get behind a fellow.

\- Black and yellow.  
\- Hello.

All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop.

Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?

No, nothing. It's all cloudy.

Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.

\- Thinking bee.  
\- Thinking bee.

Thinking bee!  
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

Wait a minute.  
I think I'm feeling something.

\- What?  
\- I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.

Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.

Bring the nose down.

Thinking bee!  
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

\- What in the world is on the tarmac?  
\- Get some lights on that!

Thinking bee!  
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

\- Vanessa, aim for the flower.  
\- OK.

Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys?

Affirmative!

Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.

Land on that flower!

Ready? Full reverse!

Spin it around!

\- Not that flower! The other one!  
\- Which one?

\- That flower.  
\- I'm aiming at the flower!

That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.  
I mean the giant pulsating flower

made of millions of bees!

Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.

Rotate around it.

\- This is insane, Barry!  
\- This's the only way I know how to fly.

Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern?

Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.  
Smell it. Full reverse!

Just drop it. Be a part of it.

Aim for the center!

Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!

Oome on, already.

Barry, we did it!  
You taught me how to fly!

\- Yes. No high-five!  
\- Right.

Barry, it worked!  
Did you see the giant flower?

What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius!

\- Thank you.  
\- But we're not done yet.

Listen, everyone!

This runway is covered with the last pollen

from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth.

That means this is our last chance.

We're the only ones who make honey,  
pollinate flowers and dress like this.

If we're gonna survive as a species,  
this is our moment! What do you say?

Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains?

We're bees!

Keychain!

Then follow me! Except Keychain.

Hold on, Barry. Here.

You've earned this.

Yeah!

I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.

Oh, yeah.

That's our Barry.

Mom! The bees are back!

If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time.

I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight!

Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next?

Would you like some honey with that?  
It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.

Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.  
And I don't see a nickel!

Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat!

I had no idea.

Barry, I'm sorry.  
Have you got a moment?

Would you excuse me?  
My mosquito associate will help you.

Sorry I'm late.

He's a lawyer too?

I was already a blood-sucking parasite.  
All I needed was a briefcase.

Have a great afternoon!

Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,  
and I can't get them anywhere.

No problem, Vannie.  
Just leave it to me.

You're a lifesaver, Barry.  
Oan I help who's next?

All right, scramble, jocks!  
It's time to fly.

Thank you, Barry!

That bee is living my life!

Let it go, Kenny.

\- When will this nightmare end?!  
\- Let it all go.

\- Beautiful day to fly.  
\- Sure is.

Between you and me,  
I was dying to get out of that office.

You have got to start thinking bee, my friend.

\- Thinking bee!  
\- Me?

Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.  
Oan we stop here?

I'm not making a major life decision during a production number!

All right. Take ten, everybody.  
Wrap it up, guys.

I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

/pre 


End file.
